I was engaged to be married to someone I believe was suffering from NPD. We got engaged last year, due to get married in June, I got pregnant in March miscarried in April and 2 weeks after the pregnancy he postphoned the wedding 3 weeks later he refused to come on a holiday I had booked. when he cancelled our break he said some horrible things and I packed what little items I had, he said he resented me being in his house I was there only during the miscarriage and his mother was constantly interfering advising that it was too soon for her, to deal with us getting married and once the miscarriage was confirmed he hit the bottle and told me over the phone in his drunken state that we were finished after our visit to the hospital earlier that day. At the hospital he told me he loved me and we could try again he was pressurising me to get pregnant from the start the pregnancy in March was an accident as my gynie wanted to do tests. Dont get me wrong I want to be a mom but not prior to my wedding and I had briefed my gynie on his history with his ex wife (In his first marriage his wife had medical problems and they had a miscarriage but she also had 3 miscarriages in her first marriage) and she reassured him. Since that I have discovered that he not only is addicted to alcohol (his mother is a reformed alcoholic and she is constantly telling him he is her number 1 son hes 41) she was fab to my face and stabbed me in the back as he repeated everything verbatim gbut also cocaine since the lose and I have blamed him for my miscarriage due to the drugs. Which is wrong as I never was negative or shouted or degraded him like I have heard his mom and his ex's do.
I have being left, contacted, told he loved, adored me and missed me 2 weeks after the break up, but he cant be with me due to his mother not liking me, his father is still in contact with me and 2 weeks ago he came back again and asked me back and was embarrassed as he made a massive mistake cancelling things, I agreed we would see one another but he would have to seek counselling recover from the miscarriage in his first marriage (we all have a past but I dont flash my past in his face) our miscarriage 10 weeks ago and the death of his sister 2.5 years ago. Again he said cruel things about her and then the next day she was dead. He has said cruel things to me and left me in a terrible state, I was in denial about the threatend miscarriage, I spent money getting a 2nd opinion and he refers to that as a waste of money when he spends I think 300 on coke a week.
He agreed the counselling 2 weeks ago and 3 days after the agreement I provided him with available dates with the counsellor he informed me that he was looking after the dog that he shared with his ex girlfriend - the relationship prior to me who finally moved out of his home in March. So a dog comes before our health and bereavement. We had a row that night and I asked him to admit he had a chemically dependency he pushed me so far talking about a miscarriage 10 years ago and nothing about our recent loss and he signed on to a dating site 10 days before our wedding which was due to take place 4 weeks ago and he went on 2 dates. One he continued to text and asked if she would like to date him 48 hours before he asked me to start again bearing in mind his Dad had seen me out with a pal friend who my ex thinks fancies me (I have not being romantically linked with anyone, I cant bear the thoughts and I cant trust anyone) - but he didnt like 2 acquaintances of mine wanted me to go for a promotion in work cos I was wasting my talents and he constantly talks about this rather than asking how I am I cry myself to sleep had to take a few weeks off work My self esteem is hit, I cant stop crying, I have lost 28lbs, I am nauseous every day I have to see my GP and a pschyogist weekly. I slapped him across the face cos he wouldnt admit to the drugs then fell to the floor sobbing & saying look what you have done to me, I have had 9 weeks of crying and I have had to put a brave face on and I dont hate you nor have I said a bad word but I have lost a baby and now you are doing drugs and I am afraid you will die. His family had to call the police 4 weeks ago as he went to a wedding and he called me and his mother the bride was the same term as what I would have being and he wasnt heard from for 3 days the day they phone me he was supposed to meet me to hand over our belongings and he called me and never mentioned what happened only cancelled me and I have handed back his belongings and todate I havent received mine.

After that row I had suicidal thoughts and I was admitted to hospital my friend contacted him and he never bothered his dad called me a number of times and the day I was being discharged I answered my phone I never said why I was in hospital. My ex said that he wanted NO CONTACT from me even though I apologised for my out of characther behaviour he yesterday sent me an email requesting the engagement ring back. I have not responded but I bumped in to his father this morning and all he said was his son is an embarrassment and he doesnt know him anymore and a gift is a gift. And he is upset that he knows his son loves me but his behaviour is inexcuseable.

Was I involved with a narcissist I still love him - or is it pity or me caring as I am afraid for his welfare and I blame myself that I didnt try harder. He was there for me last year when I had a breast tumour and was my sunhine now its a dark cloud. Can someone help me get my head around this or suggest a book to help me as reading and getting an understanding helps