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Recovery after Ending a Relationship with an Abuser  E-mail

 

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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How to end a relationship with an abuser or a narcissist

You have navigated to this page because you are going through hard times trying to end an abusive relationship. The aim of this website is to help you and support you on the path to freedom and mental balance.

Maintaining No Contact

Do not think it is going to be easy to end a relationship with a narcissist or an abuser. Breaking up with your abusive partner may be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life.

The hardest thing while trying to end an abusive relationship is to maintain NC. NC is a term often used by the victims of abusive relationships. NC stands for "No Contact" and literally means no connection of any kind with the abusive ex partner. This is often very hard. Most people who have never been in an abusive relationship find it very hard to understand why an abused spouse often ends up returning to the abuser for several times before finally is strong enough to break free. The power of this negative cycle is much easier to understand for those who have experienced such relationship themselves.

Recognizing physiological and emotional withdrawal symptoms

During your relationship you have literally become addicted to your abusive spouse. This addiction is the reason why you feel strong emotional pain when you are imagining the life without your spouse. The reasons that have led to this addiction can vary, however the physiological basis of different types of addictions is relatively similar. This knowledge will help you to understand why it is so hard for you to leave. Your addiction to your abusive spouse is keeping you in a toxic relationship even though you know the relationship is not good for you. If you are trying to leave, you experience strong withdrawal symptoms.

These withdrawal symptoms can be both mental and physical. You may feel stomach ache, nervousness, nausea etc physiological symptoms. You feel anxious and agitated when you are thinking what your spouse is doing now when you are not with him or her. You feel strong mental pull towards your abusive spouse. At some point the pull might become too strong to resist and you might pick up the phone and call your abusive spouse. If you do this you are taking several steps back in terms of your recovery process. The link between you and your abusive spouse has been re-established, even if there would not be reconciliation. When you hear your spouse's voice over the phone or see him, the neuronal networks in your brain that are related to the memories of your relationship are activated. Recurring activation keeps these networks strong and prevents you from recovering from your "addiction".

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Comments (5)
  • J.J.  - Parental abuse
    I ended my relationship with my narcissistic mother after she physically assaulted me in front of my children. Since I have cut off all contact with her my family has ostracized me, blaming me and telling me I need to get over it. It will have been 2 years in June, and I have never regretted my decision to end the cycle of abuse. However, I find myself sorrowful at times because I don't have a mom as far as I'm concerned.
  • Kerry
    I needed to read this so bad. I just got out of an abusive relationship after several attempts to leave (but I was never strong enough). She keeps emailing me, calling me, texting me. Yesterday I was debating emailing her and just telling her it's over and to stop contacting me. But now I'm sure that no contact whatsoever is the best course of action. This site has been an answer to my prayers.
  • Anonymous
    I was in the same situation as you where and honestly what I did was I syarted counseling and talking to a therapist. I was dating my exboyfriend for 6 years and it has been two years since I don't comunicate with him and with time trust me he does fade away. Its a process tjat you go through and it does take time but the happiness that u end up with is so rewardong and if I tell you to seek help its not because u have a problem but because u need someone professional to just walk with u through ur bad experience and help u guide u through the right path....I swear u will be fine and through the process there will be apoint in where u will b so upset with ur self of lettting some worthless man treat u that way and its okay to feel like that because in the emd this experience that u lived made u stronger.
  • Barbara  - Been there/done that
    Hi, I am in the same situation only it's been 1yr and 4 months, sooooo mnay off and on's, he lives downstairs from me, we fell in love over a cat colony that he and I were (unknowingly of each of us, me in the back and him in the front) feeding, that I thought this was finally the man of my dreams, my Prince Charming, more like my worst nightmare now!. Yes, we broke up so many times, he's ajerk, I went no contact with him since Easter sunday (he made some weak attemps to call for this or that, and I wasn't buying, so I kept it short and sweet. Ok .........I see his car daily, even look for it, feel bad when I don;t see it, (torture) Last Sunday, I ran nto him feeding our Colony (ususally dodge him if i can see he;'s there from 2nd fl window) but his time ... bam, ran right into him , (I love my cat colony and he does too, we both spent the year and 4 months feeding them and caring for them) I was relieved to see him as the cat haters (who I had to bring to Court for harrasement of me and the cats) are always lurking around the bushes. So we hugged and now he's trying to "get back" with me , all the "baby, baby"words, etc, ugh! I can never forget how awful he treated me, but I almost did the other night but I am too strong for his manipulations now and he kinda sort knows it. It's pure hell having to see them and all cause they live so near and bumping into them is exciting, and disturbing. Just be strong! and rmember he will never change not for you or the next girl, he's a lying , cheating, jerk and his day will come. Keep your distance, or do no contact, build a snake fence around your heart, like I have to do, sinc e I live in a community.STAY STRONG, boot his sorry arse to the curb in your heart! Just do it! You won;t regret it! But if you go back , you will regret it in time (his time) and suffer horribly!! Don't let him see you cry! I could of won an Emmy! Inside I was a mess
    Barbara
  • Dad's Sam  - hard to accept break up
    I find it so difficult to release Tom L. from my life after our 5 yr relationship. Every time he tells me he wants someone he can come home to and that I need to find someone else, I think to myself this time is it. I am going to go on with my life but it is so difficult. This article says it all. I have become addicted to the abuse and being treated like a dog. My main obstacle is that Tom L. house is 3 1/2 feet from my house. I see him come and go. I get so upset when he leaves and I don't know where he goes. A lot of time he doesn't answer his cell when I call. He says, if I had someone else do you think I would put up with you and your kids. I love to hate him I guess you would say. When he is on a high, he is the greatest person on earth but when he doesn't want to do with me he hurts me with the cruel words. I have been faithful, loving, kind and honest with him but I can't take the abuse any more. I am tired of hurting and the tears. I need to get out of this rut but the withdrawal symptoms are too much. I need some advise.
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