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How to End an Abusive Relationship  E-mail

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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The difficulty of ending an abusive relationship

You have just made the decision to separate from your abusive or narcissistic spouse. You have perhaps moved out from the home you shared or if you did not live together you have simply cut all connection with your partner. You were strongly in love with your partner and you still are. If you were not strongly in love, you would not feel the pain you are feeling now and you would not have had the need to look for this kind of information online. The aim of this website is to help you to deal with your negative emotions.

Even though you love your spouse strongly, that is NOT good enough reason to go back to an abusive relationship. Do not use your love as a justification to go back. Do not fool yourself to believe that your love towards your abusive partner can change him or her. If you go back to your abusive or narcissistic partner simply because you love him or her, without having any other justification for your return, you are making a big mistake. If your abusive partner has realized he or she has misbehaved towards you and is willing to seek help, in some cases this might be a good enough justification for returning to relationship, depending on the severity of the abuse you have endured. In some cases it is not wise to return back to the abuser even if the abuser is willing to seek help.

Why does one feel drawn to an abusive spouse

Your abusive or narcissistic spouse was most likely not misbehaving in the beginning of the relationship. It is typical for a narcissist to behave extremely well in the beginning of the relationship. Often the beginning of the relationship with a narcissist is like a dream.

A narcissist has the ability to make their partners to feel extremely special in the beginning of the relationship. You are literally being put to the pedestal. You feel extremely happy, endorphins and other pleasure-related substances are being released in your brain and as a result of this you become very strongly attached to a narcissist. You love the feeling you get when a narcissist is telling you he or she loves only you. Life is wonderful and you could not be happier. Until a narcissist enters devaluation phase and you are suddenly and unexpectedly pushed down from the pedestal.

Once a narcissist has started the process of entering the devaluation phase, a narcissist can turn cold and emotionless very fast. The person who used to tell you how wonderful might suddenly be criticizing you, calling you with names, lie to you and cheat on you. All these abusive actions are making you feel your spouse no longer loves you the way he or she used to. This is making you feel you have lost something precious. You are struggling to get back that feeling you had in the beginning of the relationship, during those golden days when your brain was literally soaked with endorphins due to an overwhelming affection you received from your narcissistic spouse. This is the "emotional hook" that prevents you from breaking free from an abusive relationship.

You have literally become addicted to that wonderful feeling you had in the beginning of the relationship and you are experiencing withdrawal symptoms when you think your spouse would go away from you forever, or even worse, perhaps give his or her "love" to someone else. A mere thought of this possibility evokes strong emotional pain and anxiety in you. You are trying to find relief by returning to the person who once brought such joy in you. But like drug addicts, you soon realize that you can never again feel the same euphoria you felt in the beginning of the relationship. You might find a momentary relief to your pain by going back to your abusing partner, but soon the pain returns, when you understand that no matter what you do, you cannot get back what you once had with your partner.

Once you have reached this point where you understand that you can never return to the past, you are ready to start your healing process for real. It takes time to reach this point of understanding. Many times people end up going back to their abusive relationships several times before they start to realize that the situation is not going to change. Do not be too hard on yourself if you end up going back to your abusive partner. Your reactions are very natural. It is very hard to break free from an abusive relationship. It will most likely be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life. The aim of this website is to hep you to break free from a toxic relationship and to regain your happiness.

Abuse changes the relationship permanently

It is very important to understand that no matter what you do, you can never return back to the days of innocence and unconditional love towards your partner. When a relationship becomes abusive, something precious is broken forever. This does not automatically mean that the relationship could not be salvaged after the abuse. It can. But the relationship will be different after the abuse has taken place. Your feeling towards your abusive partner has changed forever.

The same thing happens when cheating occurs in a relationship. You might forgive your cheating spouse but you will never forget the betrayal. Emotional or physical abuse in a relationship is also a betrayal from your point of view. You trusted your spouse fully. Your spouse was supposed to be the backbone of your life, the one person you can trust even if everything else fails. Now that one person has literally turned against you, is causing you a great suffering and does not show signs of empathy and regret when you try to make him or her understand how bad you feel. Your spouse has literally betrayed your trust and this betrayal adds to the pain you are already experiencing due to the abuse.

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Comments (4)
  • Jan Attard  - Courage and Commitment to Love Self
    Avid Designer, Writer, Innovator, Creator, Artist; I embrace a "Tunnel Vision Approach" can do attitude to accomplish all of life's aspirations and dreams. www.tunnelvisionapproach.com. I inspire my three talented beautiful creative sons and one gorgeous Ukrainian Orphan to reach deep inside themselves to embrace their uniquely individual creative genius with childlike abandon; all is possible if we believe in the ever present truly amazing silver linings and moonbeams that come our way! I am humbled by an amazing life journey that has taught me to cherish each opportunity, to empower others passionately. I am a Bay Area Realtor who places interests of clients first with purchases, sales and lifestyle decisions. I am a seasoned Registered Investment Advisor who is loyal, honest, and acts with integrity and utmost care with each transaction. I am a Georgetown Nurse who loves to care for babies. I am studied and proficient in Finance, Insurance, Health Care and Law. I am learning the immense challenge of farming land on a daily basis as to the task of raising a child ( as weeds grow and multiply if not tended to always) to create a sustainable "oasis" masterpiece, Makiivka Estate Farm Reserve. Giving birth to a flat oasis of land surrounded by mountains and lakes, "Switzerland of California" biodynamic farming is promoted to regenerate the earth, share fruits of the soil, delight all who venture here! Diverse and challenging life lessons have served as my greatest guides, instilling in me a commitment to love each moment, a child, family, positive enriching community involvement to make me the person I am today. I mentor others on this very important topic. I am blessed, my three healthy sons live their passions no limitations no regrets. There are no mistakes here, everything happens for a reason; believe this to be so! Allow your architecturally perfect "tunnel" and journey begin now! Imagine, if you will, your own perfect masterpiece! Carpe Diem! Please read my book about the creation of miracles, the power of focus via a strong internal belief in self "Tunnel Vision, a focused life". Diverse channeling will assist others to heal, to grow and flourish! I Thank you kindly! xo
  • avi  - Narcissism
    Narcissism is a mental disease on some level
    there are multiple reasons for it to occur mostly due to a problematic childhood.

    the sad part is that you can't help them because they think nothing is wrong with them. And unless they accept there is a problem with them (really unlikely)
    nothing would change and they will keep hurting you.
  • Kerry  - right on
    Wow... just got out of an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. Your site is providing strength. I am fighting the urge to go back. It is tough - feels like I want to return to a drug.

    Thanks for all the help.

    :)
  • M
    Good article!
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