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Fiancé Sent Facebook Messages to Other Women - How to Get Over the Pain  E-mail

Hi Maria,

I am very happy to have found your site, but not happy about why.

My fiance and I had been together for almost a year when I found on his facebook page that he had been messaging with two other women the entire time we had been together.  Our relationship was a long distance relationship.  We lived two hours away from eachother.  I found the messages and I confronted him.  He didn't deny what he had done and he apologized.  He begged me to stay with him and I decided to forgive him.

After finding what I found I didn't deal directly with the pain. He graduated from college and moved in with me and my children.  The other day I went to put some money in his laptop to surprise him. He was having car trouble and I wanted him to know things were going to be ok.  When I lifted the laptop up the facebook messages were up and there were two more pictures of two new women.  The messages were old, but the wound was opened again and I broke down.  That made four women he was talking to the entire time we were together.  I confronted him, but this time he was angry with me.  He threatened to leave me and treated me as if I had done something to him.  He treated me as if all of the love and support I have given him has been worth nothing.

Today I told him I need time to heal.  He told me he doesn't think I will ever be able to trust him or love him again.  I told him I needed time to heal. I explained that th wound is fresh all over again and I just don't know what kind of a relationship we had.  He tried to explain that the long distance relationship took a toll on him and he didn't sleep with anyone, but the long distance relationship drove him to it.  I am having a hard time trying to swallow all of this and accept his answer.  It is the only answer he can give me.  I have never felt so empty, ugly, insecure, unloved, and lied to in my life.


The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.


Maria's Reply:

Fiancé sent Facebook messages to other women - How to get over the pain


Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. I am so sorry to hear about your pain. You wrote: I confronted him, but this time he was angry with me.  He threatened to leave me and treated me as if I had done something to him.  He treated me as if all of the love and support I have given him has been worth nothing.

It is understandable that one can get angry if one feels that his/her private area has been invaded to. Your fiancé might have a feeling that you have been snooping into his things and intentionally trying to find an evidence of his betrayal. Most likely he also felt guilty because he knows he has done something he knows you do not like. His anger is most likely the result of combination of all these factors.

However, you have not done anything to deserve such a reaction from him. You did not deliberately "hack" into his account, you saw the messages accidentally. Clearly he is not able to put himself into your position and imagine how it feels like to find out about something like this, especially when it is happening for the second time. This is often the problem in this kind of a situation: A person who has never experienced the betrayal cannot relate to the pain the betrayed person feels. For this reason, the cheater often becomes angry because he/she thinks the cheated partner is blowing things out of proportion and is over-reacting. Only those who have experienced similar situation can fully relate to physical pain that finding out about cheating causes.

So, in a way your fiancé is reacting in a "normal" way (normal for someone who is in his position: He has done something wrong and now when he is caught he is trying to shift the focus away from his wrong-doing by putting the blame on you). However, this does not mean you should tolerate this kind of behavior. You have done nothing wrong, your reaction is also very normal - if you did not feel severely hurt after finding out that your fiancé has been doing this kind of thing behind your back, that would mean you do not truly love your fiancé. If we love someone and then find out something like this, it is natural that we feel extremely hurt. In order to continue the relationship, you should be able to resume your trust in your fiancé. That is not possible unless your fiancé is supportive instead of being angry and threatening that he would leave you.

There is also another important matter that you should consider. Ask yourself if you could have done something similar with some men behind your fiancé's back. If you love him strongly, the answer is most likely "no". If we are passionately in love with someone, we usually are unable to feel romantic excitement towards other people. The fact that your fiancé was able to do this sort of thing suggests that his feelings towards you are not as strong as your feelings towards him (obs! This does not suggest he has no feelings towards you: it is clear that he has. It merely suggests that those feelings are perhaps not as strong as your feelings towards him. If they were, most likely he would not have done something like this, and definitely he would not threaten to leave you). You need to take this point into account when you make the decision of whether you want to stay together with your fiancé or not.

If you do decide to remain together, you need to be prepared to go through a lengthy recovery period. Your trust and good feeling cannot be resumed overnight. But if your fiancé is being supportive, it is possible to resume the trust. It is important that your fiancé understands things from your point of view: He needs to understand that you are not trying to be "difficult" and complicate his life deliberately, but that instead your reaction is very normal. He should also understand that your strong reaction is not your fault but that instead it is caused by something he did, and so he needs to take the responsibility of his actions and do the best he can to help you to get over this.

If your fiancé is unable to take responsibility of his actions and support you during this difficult time, I recommend you to consider seriously if you wish to remain in a relationship with this kind of a person. If he is unable to support you now, he is most likely unable to support you in the future during other difficult moments in life. Mutual respect, support and love are the corner stones of a balanced relationship. If this man is unable to give these things to you, you need to consider if you truly want to spend your time and your life with this kind of a person.

Warm hug,


It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.


If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it


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