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Ending a Relationship with a Narcissistic Person - Getting Over the Pain  E-mail

 

Dear Maria,

My situation started a couple years ago. I was recently divorced and I have children.  I was approached by a man, that I thought was my night in shinning armour.  He was a dream come true, or so I thought.  He told me everything a woman would want to hear, in the first couple years.  In the beginning, I did not know for several months that I was involved with a married man. By the time it was confirmed to me, by him it was too late for me to get away from his spell.  He told me that he was going to divorce his wife when his daughter graduated from high school. He told me that him and wife did not have a relationship and that she was crazy. Basically, I heard how bad his life was at home.  He told me that he had not had intimacy with his wife in 10 years (now I feel stupid for believing he did not cheat before me).

I only saw him on business trips and we still did not have much time together, because he was always working. He liked to brag about his money, but yet he never really spent any on me. I know realize, that I was just his bed partner. He enjoyed the way other people would look at me when we walked down the street or compliment me on how I looked (nothing but his arm candy). I also now know that he used me until he got divorced because it was convenient and I never complained. I wanted to be with him so much, that I over looked the obvious.

My devaluing stage started in year 4.  I did not do exactly what he wanted and he showed me a very ugly side of himself.  He said I did not have any self confidence.  I was nothing but my bosses arm candy, if I went to lunch with him.  He felt he wasted his time trying to help me get better compensation at my job, if I blew an opportunity to speak up.

I knew something was not right when he finally moved out and he did not tell me or when he got divorced and I found out from him a week later. After I found out about the divorce, he basically only texted me for 3 months,  no phone calls but I did not want to seem needy and I felt by giving him space and time he would appreciate me. That was not true, he had moved on to another relationship. He actually discarded me in a text message.

Finally, when he did talk to me it was all about him.  How I live in another state and how I have my kids. He wanted to talk about the problems he was having with himself.  I even said you knew that I had kids when we were together. I realize that was know going to be an issue for him.  This is an adult man breaking up with me in a text message.

The hurt that came over me when he texted me that he was in another relationship is a pain I wish on no one. I believed in this man and that I would have a future with him, no more living in the shadows and we could be together. Now, I know that it was just an illusion and nothing more.

I know time heals, but this is extremely difficult.  I have finally come out and told a few close friends the truth that I have kept hidden for all these years.  One of my closest friends told me he was a narcissist.  I knew the word, but when I googled it, I read about the person I was in love with for the past several years and it made me sick and sad. I realized what I was involved with and it has helped me not blame myself, but I would be lying if I said it still does not hurt. I pray to God to help me remove this man from my head and give me strength to go on. I would say to anyone ask God to take the battle from you, because it is too difficult to do alone.

I could go into a lot more detail of the relationship, but I think you understand already.  
Thanks for listening.

 

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___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Maria's Reply:

Ending a Relationship with a Narcissistic Person - Getting Over the Pain

 

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through with this man. I am so glad that you are now free of this person who clearly is unable to treat you with respect and kindness that you deserve. Most people with a normal ability to feel empathy would not be able to treat their significant other this way. The decent thing to do would have been to let you know that he wanted to end the relationship with you and only then move on with another woman. On the other hand it is not surprising that he chose to keep his plans from you, considering that he got involved with you when he was still married and kept it from you for months. It is quite clear that this man has a habit of being dishonest, and had you remained together with him, it is very likely that there would have been more problems in the future.

I know you are hurting tremendously right now. I wish it will take away at list part of your pain when you know that this man is most likely not capable of being in an equal, respecting and honest relationship with any woman. He kept this other woman from you, but he also kept you from her. Before he left you with text message, he allowed you to believe that there was still something between the two of you, so he was being dishonest not only with you but his new lady friend as well - not an ideal way to start a relationship. It is very difficult to have a functional relationship with someone who is incapable of being truthful. I sincerely believe you were lucky to get away from this person.

You wrote: I also now know that he used me until he got divorced because it was convenient and I never complained. I wanted to be with him so much, that I over looked the obvious.

Dear Friend, you are not the only one to close your eyes to flaws of the beloved one. When we are in love we want to believe the best of our partner. Many people have told me that after finishing relationship and looking back at their time with their spouse, they cannot understand how they did not see the warning signs and how they allowed themselves to be treated so badly. It is important that you do not blame yourself for not seeing the true nature of this man sooner; it takes time to become aware of these matters. There was most likely nothing you could have done differently in your relationship.

You wrote: The hurt that came over me when he texted me that he was in another relationship is a pain I wish on no one.

I know exactly what you mean with this, I remember well the pain I felt when I was in a similar situation. It feels as if someone is pulling the carpet from right under your feet. Often the most painful part is the knowledge that there is nothing one can do to go back to the way things were. Even though it is possible to save the relationship after cheating (if both spouses truly are committed to the relationship and are supportive of each other), cheating still changes the relationship profoundly. Part of the pain caused by cheating is due to the fact that your life has been altered unexpectedly and irreversibly, and you have practically no control over the situation. When one's spouse chooses to cheat, the spouse is literally gambling on the happiness of his/her partner, for if the partner finds out about cheating, it causes tremendous pain. This is why cheating must be considered to be a very selfish act: The cheater is literally jeopardizing the spouse's happiness and emotional well-being, and hence taking the spouse's control of his/her life. If we truly care for another person, we do not take such huge risks that they will get badly hurt.

Dear Friend, I know you are hurting very much right now. I have been through similar pain and I have recovered, and so will you. Right now you need to be patient and allow yourself enough time to heal. My thoughts are with you, please write to me anytime you feel like it. You are not alone.

Warm hug,

Maria

 

It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.

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If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

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