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Husband Contacts Other Women Behind my Back - How Do I Deal with It?  E-mail

 

Hi Maria,

I have been with my husband for 10 yrs this year and we have a young child together. Last year I found evidence of communications with another woman (all sexual related). I confronted him and asked if he was cheating. At first he denied it until I said her name. The result of this: he deleted her from Facebook and we cancelled his mobile and got him a new one on my acc. He said it had only been going on since I started my new job. I looked into his mobile bills to find it all started just after our child was born (so he lied). He promised it would never happen again.

Couple months later when logging into Facebook I noticed an unusual email address so I looked into it, and I couldn't believe it: he had set up a new email and Facebook account and started contacting this woman again.

Once again I confronted him and he couldn't explain himself apart from saying it was stress. Once again I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he promised it wouldn't happen again.
An then just as I am starting to trust him and not feel like I have to check his phone /Facebook and emails, low an behold I find emails to another woman. This completely knocked me for 6.

I truly love him, but don't know how to get past this to trust him again. I find I am constantly wanting to check up on him again and I hate it. I hate feeling that it could be happening again.

He gets snappy at me over little things, and that's what happened last time to make me suspect something. I know he is messaging a couple of girls but can't prove anything as the conversation history doesn't save. I find myself getting suspicious every time he picks up his phone or is on the Internet.

I really hate feeling like this and love him to bits, but I don't know what to do or how to get past this anymore.

Do you have any suggestions please?

Thanks.

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Maria's Reply:

Husband Contacts Other Women Behind my Back - How Do I Deal with It?

 

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your letter. I understand the pain you are going through, I have experienced a similar situation. I know the devastating feeling you experienced when you saw those messages; It feels literally as if someone put a dagger into one's stomach or poured freezing cold water all over one.

You said your husband is complaining to you about small matters, and that it is making you suspect that something is out of place. I had a similar experience with my ex partner, he was doing something behind my back with another woman and around that time he got very irritated with me over minor matters. Only later when I looked back I was able to connect his strange behavior with the fact that he was simultaneously hiding something from me.

Since then I have heard similar descriptions from many people who are dealing with dishonesty in a relationship. It is, however, important not to draw fast conclusions; this kind of a behavior is not automatically an indicator of cheating. However, in some cases there appears to be a connection between getting excessively upset over small matters and simultaneously hiding something.

Dear Friend, you said you love your husband dearly, but you do not know how to get over this last incident. When cheating happens for the very first time it is hard to get over it, but with time and patience (and with the support of one's partner) the trust can be regained. However, if the betrayal occurs again it is very hard to get over it, let alone if the betrayal takes place several times. The only way you can continue your relationship comfortably (without having to check on your husband constantly) is if you are able to regain a full trust in him. If there is no trust, you will always have to be on your guard.

I know how it feels like not being able to trust one's partner, I lived in that kind of a situation for several years and I would not recommend that kind of a life for anyone. When you feel you need to constantly check on your husband you are living in a constant stress, and a constant stress has a negative influence on one's physical and mental health. I do not wish that kind of a life for you.

How to recover after cheating

I understand that you wish to remain together with your husband. In order to have a functional relationship, your husband needs to understand how his behavior is affecting you; he needs to understand how badly the betrayal hurts the cheated spouse. If your husband has never been cheated on, it can be hard for him to relate to your pain and understand what you are going through. If he does not understand what you are going through, it is hard for him to be sympathetic and supportive. If he instead of being supportive shows you with his behavior that he does not care about your emotions and your recovery, he is essentially preventing you from healing.

So to conclude: In this situation your husband is the key player. You cannot save your relationship alone. If your husband is not supportive and do his part to help you to recover and regain trust, then you are left with only two options: Either to remain with your husband and continue living under stress and constant fear that something similar will happen again (an option that I do not recommend to anyone) or to leave.

Dear Friend, I understand that leaving is something you absolutely would not want to do, and so I wish from all my heart that your husband understands how important his role is in your recovery process. If he loves you and cares for you, he will not do things that hurt you. If you tell your husband clearly these things and if he refuses to help you in your recovery process by changing his behavior, then you must conclude that his feelings towards you are not as strong as your feelings towards him.

Ask yourself how you would behave if things were other way around: If you knew that your husband is suffering, would you do everything in your power to help him feel better, or would you ignore his pain and keep doing things behind his back, even though you know how much he will be hurt if he finds out? I believe your answer is clear, I do not believe you would do anything to hurt your husband. That is how we behave towards those who we love. If your husband is not behaving this way towards you, you must consider carefully if you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

If you have a chance, I warmly recommend you to go to talk to a professional counselor about your painful feelings. Do not dwell on sad thoughts alone, that will only worsen your pain. I strongly believe that talking face-to-face with a professional who is dealing with these issues on daily basis will be beneficial for you. If you feel hesitant about the idea of going to see a counselor, you can go only one time at first and see how you feel about it. Then if you feel that counseling is helping you, you can continue going either alone or together with your husband, should he agree to go (if he cares for you, he should agree to do whatever it is necessary to help you to recover).

Dear Friend, I wish things will turn out the best for you. My thoughts are with you, please write to me whenever you feel like it. I wish to help you any way I can to deal with this difficult time in your life.

Warm hug,

Maria

It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.

____

If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (5)
  • Kay  - never again
    :angry:

    After supporting him through everything - found out by seeing his phone texts that he was with other women from the start and using my car and my phone I gave him to hook up with women after dropping me off at work...i gave him the car because he didn't have one, to find work, to be able to get his errands done...I told him I might as well have given him the loaded gun and helped him put it to my head...he never stopped - started stalking strangers on facebook, one of who which contacted me....then he would put me down...i always knew when he wa sin a good mood it was because his supply was good and when he would criticize me, deny me and ignore me he was busy trying to chase his new supply...after 3 years all it took was him completely going awol like a 2 year old on a holiday weekend so he could spend it with his other gals to say ENOUGH...it was the least of the injuries but the fact he didn't even care enough to try and hide it this time...its obviously so much deeper than that and the things he did were so horrible - rages, threats, serial affairs, slandering, humiliating, ignoring and when I look back and piece together the real reasons behind the lies I want to cry but instead I walked away - it always gets worse not better and the only power I had was to remove myself from his game and say finally that I am not playing....and I know he doesn't care cause he was already discarding...but the new supply isn't better or more deserving, they are just different and a distraction from having to think about the terrible things he does to you...walk away as many times as you have to to leave these leeches behind....
  • Louise  - Know what you're feeling
    I always thought cheating would be a deal breaker for me, however when I met my now x partner, I forgave him the first time. It was FB, others sites and physical cheating that I didn't find out about for months. He then cheated another few times. I left, but before I did I nearly went insane worrying about him doing this behind my back. Trust is everything.
    Good luck, I hope your partner understands what he is doing to the relationship and grows up
  • S  - Me too ...
    I caught my bf sending Facebook messages to another woman behind my back, it was a woman with whom he cheated on his previous girlfriend, so as you can imagine it felt quite bad to find out about that... I read the messages and he told her how much he wanted to see her again, how warmly he still thought of her etc. It was so very painful to read such stuff. That was not the only problem in our relationship, he had things going on with several other women as well ... But I do remember the pain I felt when i read those fb messages, so I can relate to you. It is hard to trust again ... I was not able to do it, so I left him. And I know today that it was the right thing to do.
  • Kay  - never again
    So devastating to see inside the true monster with the texts and messages you find...i still shake and can't believe it was happening...still...no contact is hard but i decided I couldn't take the pain of knowing anymore
  • yep
    Been there too :(
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