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How Can I Make My Boyfriend Trust Me Again  E-mail


Maria,

I stumbled upon your website a few days ago, and i am so grateful, as i've found much comfort in reading the different stories so similar to mine. If possible, i would love some advice relating to my specific situation.

My boyfriend and I have been together for couple years. We have a beautiful little child together. Over the past few months, we have been having issues; fighting over petty things, past incidents and trust (not physical cheating, text and email messages between female friends that hurt me a great deal, while I was pregnant). He started leaving every time we fought, to his parents house, to a friends. He has a very bad temper and has to flee from the situation before it escalates (never physical, but at times he can be very cruel with his words). He is not, however, solely to blame. I started many fights over nothing, and am more controlling than I guess I should be.

About two months ago, I became friends with a friend's brother. At first it was innocent enough, friendly. We began chatting via text and Facebook. As the fights between my boyfriend and I happened more frequently, my male friend and I became closer, and he actively began pursuing me, offering me everything that was lacking in my current relationship. It took about a month but eventually I ended up sleeping with him.

It was awful. I cried afterward, and began distancing myself from him and realizing how wrong I'd been, began looking at the real problems in my relationship, and vowed to work to fix them. My boyfriend suspected something happened but I denied it because I selfishly wanted to keep the relationship untarnished, and because I didn't want my boyfriend to be in pain. As life is never that easy, the other man in his anger with me, told my boyfriend everything. My boyfriend was angry and hurt, naturally, but more so that I lied to him about everything. He left, and now I'm left wondering how I should go about this.

We have a little child together, and so much love between us, and I desperately want to salvage our relationship. He says he can never look at me the same again, never trust me again. I have apologized and expressed my regret and swore never to repeat what I'd done, I truly learned my lesson - I should've worked on the relationship before looking outside of it. I love him so deeply and want to make it work for our child. He is an amazing man with so much strength and compassion for other people, he's grown so much in these years; and is such a great father. I feel so low for betraying him.

What do I do? How do I make him see I am so unbelievably sorry, and I want our family together? What is the recovery process, do I give him space or tell him everyday how sorry I am? He hasn't told me to leave him alone, but I'm afraid he will if I bother him too much.

I'm so lost. I truly feel there is a chance he would try again for our child but I don't know how to get him to come home, or even talk to me face to face. I have prayed day and night for forgiveness, and for guidance on what road to take. Please help.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Maria's Reply:

How Can I Make My Boyfriend Trust Me Again

 

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email, I am glad you found my website and decided to write to me. Yes, you made a mistake by sleeping with this other man, but you realized that it was wrong shortly after. If this was the first time something like this has happened to you, please do not be too hard on yourself; people make mistakes in their lives, the most important thing is to learn from those mistakes.

You said that you have learned your lesson, and I believe that now when you know what kind of pain cheating causes to you and to those close to you, you are not likely to cheat again. So, instead of blaming yourself excessively, try to look at the positive side: This experience has made you a better person that you were before this happened. Before this incident, you were the kind of a person who was able to cheat. Now this incident has forced you to carefully think of what kind of a person you want to be, and based on your letter you seem to had come to a conclusion that you do not want to be the kind of a person who cheats when times are difficult, instead you want to work on the problems in your relationship. So, this experience has helped you to improve yourself as a human being. I am not trying to justify what you did, as you said yourself that it was wrong of you to cheat on your boyfriend and I agree with you. Having said this, I wish you are able to see the positive sides in this tragic situation.

It is understandable that your boyfriend feels he cannot trust you after what happened. If he can be certain that you are fully committed to your relationship he would feel more relaxed and secure, but unfortunately he cannot see into your mind, all he sees is your behavior and your past behavior has made him feel that you are not fully committed to him. You also said your boyfriend feels he cannot trust you. If one cannot trust one's partner it often makes one feel that one is not in control of one's life, but that instead one is vulnerable and that one cannot predict (based on the behavior or worlds of one's partner) if the partner truly is happy in a relationship or not. This leads to constant insecurity and fear that the partner is not truly happy and therefore is tempted to start an affair should an occasion present itself.

Because your boyfriend cannot read your mind and gain secure feeling that way, you need to help him feel as comfortable as possible in this situation. One of the most important things is to not to see the brother of your friend again (I believe you have already made this promise to your boyfriend).

You wrote: What do I do? How do I make him see I am so unbelievably sorry, and I want our family together? What is the recovery process, do I give him space or tell him everyday how sorry I am? He hasn't told me to leave him alone, but I'm afraid he will if I bother him too much.

Each person reacts in his or her unique way in this kind of a situation, there is no one rule that applies to all. If you totally withdraw yourself, your boyfriend might interpret it as if you do not care so much about your relationship with him after all. The reason we feel hurt when our spouse is cheating on us is because we feel we have lost the love of our spouse. If the cheater cries, is acting desperate and is praising how much he/she loves us despite what happened, we are more likely to give him/her another chance. If the cheater acts cool and does nothing, it is easier to believe that the love is truly lost and hence not to forgive and move on.

You said that your boyfriend has not told you to leave him alone. This is a good sign. I believe you are right when you said that you believe he is willing to give you another chance because you have a child together, and, according to your words, lots of love between the two of you. It is good that you keep reminding your boyfriend that you feel bad about what has happened and that you have not moved past this tragedy on your side. On the other hand, if you constantly praise your love and tell how sorry you are, it can get rather annoying and hence may turn your boyfriend off even more. In situations like this, there is a rather delicate balance and a thin line between what is too much and what is too little. I would recommend you to keep communicating your feelings to your boyfriend, but try not to do it too much. You can also ask him if he feels annoyed by your approaches: If he says yes, then you need to back down a bit.

You asked what you can do to get your boyfriend to come home and to get your family back. You are not mentioning in your letter if you have been to a couples counseling after this incident. If you have not been to a counsellor yet, I warmly recommend you to go to see one. You could suggest to your boyfriend that he goes to see a counsellor on his own at first, while you also go alone, and then after some time you can go together if you both feel like it. If you both are serious about saving your relationship, I strongly recommend you to see a counsellor instead of trying to get over this alone. Talking to a professional face-to-face will help your boyfriend to clarify his feelings and also helps him to understand you better.

You also mentioned you have had other problems in your relationship that you believe partially led to this situation (your boyfriend's bad temper and related problems). A counsellor can help you to start to work on those problems as well, instead of letting them keep affecting your relationship adversely. If your boyfriend feels that the underlying reason for your betrayal (the problems in your relationship) have been solved, it is easier for him to learn to trust you again.

I wish you are able to work things out with your boyfriend. Please write to me anytime you wish, I will be here for you. I wish to help you any way I can.

Warm hug,

Maria

It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.

____

If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 


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