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Boyfriend Treated Me Coldly and Broke Up with Me - How Can I Recover?  E-mail

 

Hi Maria,

It's been about a year since I met who is now my worst nightmare. The love I have in my heart and the pain from everything he's done to me is unbearable. Our hole relationship was a cruel emotional roller coaster; one day perfect the next I would shake walking around in eggshells. It is this feeling you get in your stomach that they give you because their actions are off from their words.

He was protective of his phone. Alienated me from his friends which now hate me because of him. Never included me, I had to beg and cry. When we met I was strong and did not like him at all, but he was so over the top nice and taking me to dinners and buying me gifts that he sucked me in. A few weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend and as soon as this happened, bang the narcissist came out.

That week he went to a big party which I wasn't invited to and his ex was there walking around in bra and undies all day. I was only asked over that night to drive him home (drop him off to be exact) I was blinded by what was happening out of pure fear of being rejected. I still feel like I have to fight to prove I'm worth him. I always put photos up on my facebook of us and wrote on his wall and to this date I got nothing back. I was invisible.

On our valentines date all he did was perve n ask about the waiter who was an old friend of mine. For his birthday I spent months organizing a surprise birthday party for him. I new noone but I pulled it off, spent so much money I didn't have, and for my birthday which was recently I got swore at, made to cry, a present wrapped in big silver duck tape thrown at me, a bottle of alchol and i dont drink at all, and called a selfish bitch because my friends and family were going out for me, but I was selfish because his mates were having a beer pong party. So that night I was so beaten I left all my family who were on there way out for me and went an sat in a cold shed with all his mates fighting, showing there balls and bits. Swearing, throwing drinks, wrestling and nearly hurting me, and that was my birthday. I even had to drive his car back to my house which was manual and I never drove.

I can't explain what I am going thru. I always felt things were wrong but I new this pain of the break would hurt to much, so I fought with every bone in my body to stop it. This week I was dumped for no reason over Facebook while I was in surgery (my worst fear). I honestly can't believe this is happening to me. I miss him every god damn minute and cry and I don't no why, after everything he's done.

I need help. it's been several days and each day gets harder. I just want all this pain, fear, shaking, no sleep and vomitting to go away. How can someone I love more than myself and honestly want to spend the rest of my life with do the cruelest thing in the world to me. I have no words. I have even thought of suicide to just escape this pain. I have had a bad few years and I asked him all the time to move out with me. I would say let's get out and grow up together, be independent and he would give me 191. Reasons as to why not. "I'm too young (he is in his twenties), I don't earn enough" etc etc, but now he is moving out with his friend and I think to be honest that's why he split with me.

I want someone to drive a knife in his chest. I can't live with him and I can't live without him. I can't even go on Facebook because he has all his mates, he's moved on already and I'm in bed wanting to die. I don't know how to get thru this.

There is so much more bad stuff I could write about but all I can think of is the good times. He was meant to be staying at my house right now and I can't stop shaking. I loved and love this monster with every bone and muscle in my body.

If anyone can help me, please, I am begging. I don't know if I can go on anymore.

 

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Maria's Reply:

Boyfriend treated me coldly and then broke up with me - How can I recover?

 

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email, I am so sorry to hear you are in such a pain at the moment. I understand so well how you are feeling. Based on everything you mentioned in your letter it is quite clear that your boyfriend is very immature. The way he treated you on your birthday is very cold and rude, he seems to be totally unable to put himself into your position and take your feelings into account.

 

Even though your boyfriend is young, he is not a teenager, instead he is an adult man, who should know better than to treat people this way. Instead of being able to make compromises, he seems to be fully focused on himself and has to always have things his way. Unfortunately it seems as if his personality is quite cold and uncaring. You deserve so much better than to be treated like this, this person could never have made you truly happy, instead it is very likely that had you stayed with him you would have faced more heartaches in the future due to his behavior. I know you miss him so much, but I am so glad that in the same time you realize that this person was not good for you. Holding on to that thought will help you to get over the emotional pain you are now experiencing.

 

Dear Friend, I understand that you are very strongly in love with this man. I too was extremely in love with a person who treated me badly, and I know how illogical it feels (and often appears to outsiders) that one can love so strongly someone who is treating one in such an uncaring manner. Unfortunately emotions often have very little to do with logic. You and I are not the only people in this world who have loved cold and uncaring men, countless of women have experienced the same pain. it helps to know that we are not alone.

 

Dear Friend, I know you are now in the middle of the darkest phase of the break up process: Your boyfriend decided to leave you in a very cold manner (via Facebook) and it has only been a couple days since this happened. Your emotional reaction is very normal, there would be something wrong with you if you did not feel totally miserable after being treated like this. I know you feel that you would do anything to get your boyfriend back, despite all the bad things he has done to you. It will help you to get over the sharpest edge of the pain if you keep reminding yourself that what you feel now is essentially a physiological reaction to a negative event in your life. Just as you feel the pain when you hit your toe, you now feel this horrible emotional pain as a result of an alteration in the biochemical balance in your brain. Try to observe the pain as an "outsider", instead of allowing it take control over you.

 

I am not trying to say you can fully get over the pain this way (unfortunately there is no magical button that one can push to completely erase this sort of pain), but if you are able to internalize the thought that the feeling you are experiencing is something "mechanical", caused by certain physiological events in your brain, it will help you to feel a bit better as you know that as time passes, the pain will lose its intensity and will eventually disappear completely.

 

As I said, i have been through exactly the same emotional suffering you are now going through. When you are in the middle of the emotional storm, you feel as if there is no way you could ever love anyone as much as you love your boyfriend (most likely you feel you can never love anyone else in a first place). All other people appear gray and uninteresting, and same goes to all sorts of activities and life in general: Nothing seems interesting if you cannot share those things with this man. This feeling is so familiar to everyone who has experienced the same pain. I wish you trust me when I say this: You WILL get over this, this pain that you are now feeling will not last forever and the world does not appear gray and uninteresting forever.

 

You mentioned that you have even been having thoughts of suicide. Dear Friend, I cannot emphasize this enough: Please do not allow such thoughts to occupy your mind. I understand that you are feeling strong pain right now and want it to end, but in the middle of your suffering remind yourself of the people who care about you: your family, friends and beloved ones, who love you and who would never hurt you like your boyfriend has hurt you. All these people will be extremely hurt if you would do something to yourself. Even though the pain you are now feeling is very strong, the pain of a parent who has lost his child is even stronger. Dear Friend, I am sure you would not want to cause your parents such pain.

 

If you feel these negative thoughts just keep entering your mind, please do not keep them to yourself, instead go to talk to a counsellor, talk to your parents and other people who are close to you. Do not let these thoughts pile up inside you. Please write to me anytime you wish, i will be here for you for as long as you need, and I will help you any way I can to get over this difficult time in your life. As I said, i have been through what you are now going through, and so I know that it is possible to get over such pain and to regain one's full happiness, and even the ability to fall in love again. You will get over this too, just as I did.

 

Remember that you are not alone. Never hesitate to write to me.

 

Warm hug,

Maria

It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.

____

 

 

If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (3)
  • val
    I know how you feel ... I know it is hard to think like this now, but in the end of the day you are much better off without that jerk. He is not worthy of you. He will eventually get what he deserves, one way or the other. I don't think a guy like him is able to have a functional, equal relationship with anyone. He sure has a lot of growing up to do. I wish you the best, one day you will look back and feel happy that you are no longer with this poor excuse of a man.
  • E
    Been there, I can feel your pain. My ex dumbed me for a flight attendant. It took time but I got over it and now I feel great again and am enjoying my life (I feel SOOO much better than when I was with him!). My heart goes out for you, hang in there love! YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS!!!! Never doubt!
  • Anonymous
    Thankyou so much to you both. It's so hard being bullied like high School from your own boyfriend . He's just a kid and I hope I wakeup soon with no more sadness
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