Home Stories My Husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder - How to Cope

Search from this Website

Latest Comments

  • JLP said More...
    I loved him for 15 years and also los... 2 years ago
  • Elli said More...
    This is a classic and heartbreaking s... 2 years ago
  • Selena said More...
    I'm 24 and I have in this relationshi... 2 years ago
  • Selena said More...
    I'm 24 and I have in this relationshi... 2 years ago
  • lgl56 said More...
    I left my guy Nov 2014. Rented the ap... 2 years ago
  • unknown said More...
    Hi..I read your story and feel your p... 2 years ago
 
Banner
My Husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder - How to Cope  E-mail

 

Hi Maria,

I'm writing to you because I saw your website, and I thought maybe I could also get some advice on my situation. I firmly believe that my husband has NPD. He is "seeking out" professional help, although I'm not certain how serious he is, or if it will last. (He's done this once before, when I had one foot out the door.)

We just had a baby, and like a fool I remarried him not long ago. Yes remarried, because we had been married for one year prior to this marriage, but I left, and filed for a divorce. Well, now I feel as though I have repeated the cycle, only this time it's worse. The belittling, lack of trust, jealousy, isolation, no connection, roller coaster emotions, or personality changes on a dime, etc that he has is very difficult (to say the least) to live with.

For instance, we've been together several years now, off and on. I've left on several occasions, but he always ends up where I am (even if I leave the state, and disconnect completely). Somehow, I always end up back with him. I have a hard time standing on my own, and I always seek out an "alpha" male to "take care of me" (which they do financially, but then it becomes exactly this way again). Maybe the problem is me, who knows. I'm bullheaded myself, but in this relationship the only way to co-exist with my husband is to cater to his every need, whim, desire, and so on.

I don't like the way that makes me feel, but he's not interested in my feelings. He is hard, cold, mean, rude, has no empathy for my feelings, seems to "forget" any wrong he's ever done, and has no desire to take any blame for anything he's ever done on himself. He has young children whom he said both of those "baby mama's" took those kids away from him. (hence their fault, not his for not appearing in court). We now have a brand new child of our own, and this is the first and only time I've ever thought about doing the same. Instead for the family unit to be intact, I've decided to try to just be the "submissive wife" that he has repeatedly told me to be. Now a days, I simply don't engage in any argument, and notice when he's annoyed.

The more kind I am to him the better off we seem to be. In other words, as long as I have no opinion about anything, and agree with his every statement, do not have an opinion on anything he does including sex with me whenever he wants it, and dinner on the table immediately after he comes home from work. He states he has to have a clean wife, so everything must be kept tidy to his approval (which he himself doesn't do).

He has said things to me like, if you don't learn how to be MY wife, I will find someone who will. That was a couple years ago, and after that I divorced him, and now once again I'm back with him and have been for awhile now, and now we have a new baby, who I am worried about, maybe this is genetic, or maybe he will mistreat her, or maybe I'm just having anxiety about my new baby, and how to protect my child, and if I need to, or if I'm taking it to the extreme, and really it's just me.

I don't have many ways out, I've left him several times. He has no relationships with anyone. His own family wants nothing to do with him. They didn't even say much about our new baby being born, which he says is their fault, and used to say they didn't like me, and that's why he has no relationship with them, but he said that same thing about his ex not getting along with his mother, and so he moved away with her too, and it was her fault he didn't have any relationship with his own family. I've since learned that it's not me, and it wasn't his ex, they simply don't want much to do with him. His mother has all but walked completely away from his life. His grandmother calls once in awhile, usually if he calls first. The rest of his family, most everyone never speaks to him. He says he doesn't like how they are, so he doesn't want much to do with them (not the other way around).

When we first met, and each time we separate, he treats me like gold. He calls me his queen when I'm around, and tells me my job as a queen is to allow him to uh... how to say this "pursue his sexual desires" outside of our marriage. well, I don't want him doing that to me, so I instead allow him to go elsewhere to take out his frustrations on someone else. I guess this is unkind of me, but I've had enough pain and angry sex brought on me that I would rather not have to do that anymore. The only way to not have to do that, is to agree for him to do that to a prostitute, or another unsuspecting woman.

I write in my journal every day, and I've been to DV shelters for women, and I've left, and I've returned, and I've been drawn back in by his manipulating charm, and I've felt guilty, and I've left, and he's been in trouble with the law. The police even were convinced by his charm, until they came back to my house after he had destroyed everything i owned because I refused to return that day. The police have been confused. They were not educated on domestic violence, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

What should I do? I'm doing what i know how to do now. I'm submissive, caring, understanding, and he' always right. I have no opinion, and this is all for self preservation. I think about leaving, and I think why, it's just the same old cycle over again. He'll chase me around the country if need be (and has) and he will end up charming police, and I'll be the "crazy one".

Obviously moving around, and being in this type of relationship wasn't healthy for my older child. We have finally settled into a "normal' life. I just wish he would get better so I could stop thinking about leaving, and having to supress my own emotions. It's not about me. It's about him. It will always be about him.

He has started to release me a little bit by saying I could visit my relative in another state once a month, so I've been enjoying that freedom. When I returned however, several days later, he went into a rage of anger, and naturally I "cheated on him while I was away" and here comes the belittling me, my family, and anyone else who 'doesn't have my best interest at heart" and I should "walk away from them entirely". I guess he wants me to be like him with his family, but my family won't let me walk away anyways.

My ex calls me a whore (I guess because he spent his time with other women, and I finally found out about his year long relationship, and ended up leaving my ten year marriage due to infidelity and betrayal). My new husband has learned the many things that went wrong in my ten year marriage, and uses that pain as a weapon during fights. Fight Fight Fight... I told my husband that I REFUSE to stay in a relationship where two adults, him and myself, cannot sit down and talk, instead of fighting, yelling, or calling names. I'm not going to be in one, hence he's now again seeking counseling, because I was leaving again, and I didn't care if it meant another Domestic Violence shelter.

My children deserve two good parents and to be raised in peace. If we cannot live in peace together than we shouldn't be together. However, it seems us splitting, divorcing, or anything else always turns into us right back together again, and then we have to start from the ground up rebuilding our lives. Instead, we now have medical insurance, and are financially okay. Although it didn't take him long to control that aspect too. I'm lucky to have money for the laundry mat. I take care of our little children, and although I want to work, that is a constant fight if I bring it up, so I no longer bring it up. I miss working though.

Thanks for listening, any advice is appreciated.

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Maria's Reply:

My Husband has Narcissistic Personality Disorder - How to Cope

 

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your letter. Many things that you mention regarding your husband's behavior are quite alarming. I am glad that you said yourself that if you cannot live together with this man, then you should not be together. Based on everything you told, it is quite clear that this man is not capable of treating you with respect and warmth that you deserve.

You said you have tried to leave several times but always ended up returning to your husband. Dear Friend, you have lived like this for so long that this kind of a lifestyle (not being genuinely happy) has in a way become a "norm" and routine for you. I am not talking about the bad moments, I am talking about your general life with your husband. After everything you have endured with him, the negative memories are constantly in the back of your mind, even if you are not arguing with him on that particular moment. In order to heal, you would need a long period of time when there would be no arguments, name calling, belittling or other abuse. Unfortunately it seems your husband is unable to behave well for more than a short amount of time, after that he reverts to his old ways.

I understand that you feel you do not want to leave your husband just to return back to him and start all over again. You need to internalize the thought that once you leave, you shall not return. You said in your letter that you have left and returned so many times that you feel that should you leave now, you will certainly return to him again. Dear Friend, if the choice was yours, what kind of a life would you like to have: Would you rather live with this man the way you live now, or would you like to leave and regain your happiness (it is obvious that you are not happy now)? I am sure your answer is that you do not want to live like this for the rest of your life.

Dear Friend, the keys to that happiness are in your hands. You do not have to return back once you leave. People feel they can never quit smoking and after trying several times (often several tens of times) they finally are able to do so, if they really put their mind to it. If you truly put your mind to it, you are able to walk away and not return.

How to find the strength to break free

Having a good motivator often helps a smoker to quit. Such motivator can be for example lung cancer or other serious medical issue or a prospect of developing one. A motivator can also help you to break free and stay away from your husband. The best motivator for you are your children: I am sure you would not want them to grow up thinking that the relationship that you have with your husband is an example of a "normal" relationship. If you argue with your husband constantly, that is definitely not good for the emotional development of your children. And if you do not argue and are constantly submissive, that is not a good example either: I am sure you do not want your children to grow up thinking that a woman should be a "servant" of her husband, succumb to his will in everything and never have an opinion of her own.

Dear Friend, I know you want what is best for your children. Your children can help you to break free from your toxic relationship by serving as your source of motivation if you are having hard time leaving. I sincerely believe it is best for both you and your children if you walk away from this person who clearly is incapable of taking your feelings into account. This is not healthy environment for you to raise your children in. If one hears constant name calling, belittling etc, it will slowly render one depressed. If you become seriously depressed, you are unable to care for your children properly. Please do not wait until that happens, please leave as soon as you can.

You said your husband will not allow you to leave (that he will follow you if you try to leave and lures you back in) and that you are financially dependent on him. You are the one who knows your husband the best; if you suspect there is a danger that he might do something to hurt you or the children if you attempt to leave, you need to be very careful and not to make fast decisions. The best thing you can do is to talk about this matter with a professional counselor. A counselor can give you suggestions as to how to proceed with your plan of leaving. You do not have to tell your husband why you want to go talk to a counselor (in fact it is better if you do not mention to him about your plan of leaving until you know exactly where you stand legally and what you are going to do).

The most important thing is that you do not allow this situation to continue. It seems clear that this man is not able to make you happy, instead he can eventually make you severely depressed. You wrote: "My new husband has learned the many things that went wrong in my ten year marriage, and uses that pain as a weapon during fights". This is not the way we treat someone we love. Your husband knows how badly you were affected by the problems in your previous marriage, and you trusted him enough to share your painful memories with him. It is very cruel to use those things against you.

Dear Friend, do not subject yourself and your children to a life with this kind of a person. Regardless of what your husband's problem is (narcissism or something else), you will be much happier in a long run if you leave him sooner rather than later. You already divorced him once and then decided to give him a second chance. You have done all you can, but he is still unable to change. Now you need to put yourself and your children as a priority and walk away. I know it is hard, but with your children as your motivator, I know you can do this. You are much stronger that you think, never doubt yourself!

Please write to me anytime you wish. i am here for you for as long as you need me.

Warm hug,

Maria

It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.

____

If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (3)
  • PRPPRT  - OMG! YOUR LIVING MY LIFE
    :0 I WENT ON THE NET TO FIND OUT SOME INFORMATION, I CAN NOT BELIEVE WHAT I AM READING. I AM BOTH RELIEVED AND SHOCKED THAT THERE ARE OTHERS WHO LIVE PARALLEL LIVES. I HAVE BEEN TRYING FOR 11, COUNT THEM 11 YEARS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE #$%@ HAS BEEN GOING ON IN MY MARRIAGE. I KNOW I AM NOT STUPID, I KNOW I AM NOT CRAZY, I KNOW I HAVE BEEN LIVING A GOOD CLEAN LIFE. I WORK HARD AND DO RIGHT BY US. SO WHY IN THE WORLD WAS HE CONSTANTLY BEING SELF CENTERNED, AND REFUSING TO ACCEPT OR SEE BLAME. ALWAYS PUTTING ME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT I DID TO PLEASE HIM. AND IF AND WHEN HE DIDN'T GET HIS WAY OMG WATCH OUT. AND THE CONSTANT THREATS OF "I'M AM GOING TO LEAVE YOU" WELL BUDDY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO START AN ARGUMENT WITH ME FOR THAT, LET ME OPEN THE DOOR FOR YA!! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I KNOW MY SELF WORTH AND WHO I AM. THE ONLY DOWN FALL I HAVE IS THAT I AM AN ANALYST. I TRIED SO HARD TO ANALYIZE HIM, NOT TO FIX HIM; BUT TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I WASN'T CRAZY LIKE HE HAS TRIED TO MAKE OUT TO BE. GOD REST HER SOUL, HIS FIRST WIFE COMMITTED SUICIDE. I JUST DON'T KNOW THE CIRCUMSTANCES BEHIND IT ALL. HE HAS TRIED TO START ON MY MENTAL STATUS; BUT HE HAS MET HIS MATCH; I AM OF STRONG MIND, BODY AND SOUL. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME. IT IS A CONSTANT GAME OF CAT AND MOUSE. WELL, I AM OUT OF CHEESE AND INTEREST. GO, FLY AND BE FREE. I AM FREE NOW FOR I KNOW IT ISN'T ME IT IS YOU! :D
  • S  - I wish you find freedom and happiness
    I know how you feel, my ex was N. Your words sound so familiar. I wish you will be free soon. Love, S.
  • pepper
    Thank you so much. I am just for relieved! Question, lil worried about safety....are they or can they become violent?
Write comment
Your Contact Details:
Comment:
:D:angry::angry-red::evil::idea::love::x:no-comments::ooo::pirate::?::(
:sleep::););)):0
Security
Please input the anti-spam code that you can read in the image.
 
Copyright © 2017 Peer2Peer Support. All Rights Reserved.