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I Love My Husband But I Cannot Live with Him Anymore  E-mail

 

 

Hi Maria,

My husband and I have been together for more than ten years. Recently he has been going to the gym to work out. He would encourage me to go and at the time I wasn't interested. A year goes by when I start noticing drastic changes. He started to pull away from me and started spending longer hours at the gym. He became chummy with some of the female staff. I started to workout several months ago and he started dropping hints like " you work out in the day and ill work out at night"

One day I popped in one of his workouts and he ignored me. When I brought it up he said he was embarrased by my fat appearance and I disgust him. Hurt, I moved in with my daughter, and he didn't even care. My younger child (a minor) was having a hard time so reluctantly I moved back only to be verbally attacked and demeaned.

Months went by and I lost 33 pds. I guess now my husband wants to work it out, but he still doesn't want to introduce me as his wife to the female staff. He then changes his password to his facebook and emails. I found out he has a secret acct. And 3 credit cards.

The last straw was when he told me he wanted to go out with his male co workers and I said ok. I found out through my girlfriends that he was out with the female staff from the gym and that he cancelled my membership there and has me at another gym.

I love him, but I can't take this anymore.

 

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives due to problems in their relationship. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Maria's Reply:

I love my husband but I cannot live with him anymore

 

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email, I am so glad you wrote to me. I understand how hurt you feel after being treated like this. To be honest I became quite angry on your behalf when I read the part of your letter where you mention that your husband told you he did not introduce you as his wife because he was ashamed that you are "so fat". That is an incredibly rude and insulting comment. I do not know what other problems your husband may have, but the fact that he is able to say something like this to you shows that your happiness is not a priority to him: an empathetic person who cares for his spouse does not make hurtful ignorant statements like that. I fully understand why you moved out after hearing such comment. I would have done the same thing.

You said you moved back to your husband because of your younger child, and that when you returned to him, the bad treatment continued. Dear Friend, I understand that it can be difficult for you to even think about leaving your husband, even after everything that has happened. You said that you feel your husband wants to work things out now, but he still does not want to introduce you as his wife to the staff of the gym. You also said that he has a secret account and several credit cards that you did not know about. This is suspicious behavior to say the least. On top of this he lied to you that he was going out with some co-workers when in fact he was going out with some women from the gym. That is not an innocent misunderstanding, that is a betrayal. All these matters that you have mentioned are extremely insulting behavior towards you and I fully understand that you do not feel comfortable trying to make the relationship work if your husband is not ready to meet you in half way.

Dear Friend, you are the only one who knows your situation in detail and so you need to decide what is the best for you. But if I were you, I would give a serious consideration to whether I want to remain in a relationship with this kind of a person who clearly has no respect for his spouse. This man does not appear to care for concepts like "honesty" and "respect" in a relationship, instead he appears to be solely thinking of himself. It is very difficult to have a functional relationship with a person like that.

If you despite everything still want to try to make this relationship work, I strongly encourage you to talk to a marriage counselor, either alone or together with your husband. If your husband wants to make the relationship work, he will agree to go to marriage counseling with you if you suggest it. If he refuses to go, you are left with very few options: You can either stay with him and live in an unsatisfying relationship or you can leave. I would not recommend you to stay with your husband if he is showing with his behavior that he is not interested in your emotional well-being even so much that he would be willing to go to counseling with you. If he is that ignorant, I strongly encourage you to leave.

If your husband, however, agrees to go to see a counselor, you need to make him understand how badly his ignorant behavior has influenced you. If he is unable to understand this and if he refuses to change his habits (regarding the other women, secret accounts, lying to you etc), I still recommend you to leave, because living with a person like that might render you seriously depressed in a long run.

Dear Friend, perhaps the best thing you can do right now is to go to see a counselor on your own at first, so that you can talk about your painful feelings without your husband's presence. Tell the counselor about his insulting comments (that he claimed he was ashamed to introduce you as his wife because you were "too fat") and also tell about everything else you have mentioned in your letter to me. In order to recover and regain your happiness, you need to be able to process your painful feelings with an independent outsider who has no connection to your husband.

Lastly, I want to emphasize an important point: Do not think that you are being "too sensitive" or "over-reacting" when you feel bad about your husband's behavior. He has literally hit you to your soft spot: what he said about your weight and about "being ashamed" to introduce you as his wife is very cruel. If he does not realize how hurtful his comments were and if he is unable to apologize to you in such a way that you can believe it, it is very difficult for you to continue a relationship with him. It is not healthy to remain together with a person who does not respect one but instead is putting one down, if you remain in such a relationship it will slowly eat your self-esteem and can make you severely depressed. Dear Friend, I do not wish that kind of a life for you.

Please write to me anytime you wish, I will help you and support you any way I can. Please remember that you are not alone, and that you deserve so much better than this.

Warm hug,

Maria

It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.

____

If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

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