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My Boyfriend of 10 Years Left Me for Another Woman - How to Recover  E-mail

 

Hi Maria, 

I am a 30 year old female, who had been in a relationship for about ten years. My fiance had been very sweet all this while, until I spotted him texting alot at his birthday celebration. I asked him about it and he claimed that it was a colleague, texting to enquire about work. It felt weird, but I decided to brush it off since we were celebrating his birthday. After the dinner, he asked me for ideas to get a specific watch. It felt so strange and random. However, he mentioned it was for a colleague's birthday. I had a niggling thought that it was for a woman, but I brushed it off since he had never betrayed me.

Two weeks later, he messaged me, informing that he had fallen in love with another woman, and had began a new relationship with her. I was so shocked. I felt so much hurt, pain and disappointment. I am not sure how I could survive this, or how to trust another man again.

Your advice would be much appreciated, thank you.

 

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Maria's Reply:

My Boyfriend of 10 Years Left Me for Another Woman - How to Recover?

 

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your message. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through, I know how devastated you feel right now. You are not mentioning much about your boyfriend's personality, but based on the things that you do mention it sounds like he does not have a very mature way to handle conflict situations. It is quite cold to inform you with a mere text message that he wants to end the relationship, after spending ten years together one would expect at list a personal notification along with some sort of explanation that helps one to understand what has happened. It sounds like your boyfriend wanted to avoid any kind of conflict and so decided to go the easy way and send text message instead of telling you about the matter personally.

Dear Friend, I understand that you feel betrayed after experiencing something like this; in fact, if you felt any other way there would be something wrong with you. Ten years is a long time to spend together with another person. During such a long period the other person literally becomes one's family member, someone who appears to "always" have been around, and if that person suddenly disappears it leaves a huge empty space. Please trust me when I say this: There are also other kinds of people on this planet, the kinds who you can trust and count on that they behave in more responsible manner and even if they would want to end the relationship you can trust that they will give you more respect after sharing so many years together. Do not let this negative experience influence you in such a way that you never dare to trust another man again.

There are certain phases one must go through after experiencing this kind of a betrayal. Based on your message it sounds like this unfortunate development has happened relatively recently. If this is true, then you are still in the state in which you are hurting tremendously and are trying to understand why this happened as well as trying to adjust emotionally to this new situation. Unfortunately there is no button that one can push to get over this state faster, however luckily there are several things one can do to help oneself heal faster.

How to help oneself to recover after experiencing betrayal

The most important thing to do right now is to accept that what you are feeling is very natural and to realize that you could not feel any other way in this kind of a situation. The pain and depression that you are currently experiencing are physiological reactions to traumatic events, just as the pain that you feel when you hit your toe to a rock is a physiological reaction to that type of event (to read more about physiological basis of depression, please visit my other support website at www.brain-depression.com). It will help you to cope with your pain when you remind yourself that it is just as natural to feel that way as it is to feel bad when one is sick with a flu: It feels horrible and all you can do is to sit back and wait for the bad feeling to pass, as it most certainly will at some point.

Dear Friend, I know this is so much easier said than done; when one is in the eye of the emotional storm it is very hard to just "wait for the pain to pass", but if you only can, try to observe the sensations you are experiencing as an "outsider". Try to determine where you feel the pain the strongest; is the sensation strongest in your stomach, in your head, or perhaps in your chest? When you have located the area where you feel the strongest pain, concentrate on that area and try to relax it as well as you can. This way you can slightly reduce the level or tension and hence anxiety in your body, in similar fashion as one can reduce the intensity of the stomach pain during the period by concentrating on relaxing the stomach.

This exercise is not going to take the pain away completely, but it will hopefully help you to cope with it just a little bit better. This particular exercise works in two ways; firstly, it will relax your body resulting in slight decrease in the level of anxiety and depression and secondly it will take your focus momentarily away from the negative thoughts related to the betrayal, which will further help you to reach a more relaxed state of mind.

Dear Friend, I understand so well how hurt you feel right now. Please trust me; you will recover from this, never doubt that. Please write to me anytime you wish. Remember that you are not alone.

Warm hug,

Maria

 

It helps to know we are not alone. To read more personal stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.

____

If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

 

Comments (5)
  • JLP  - same here
    I loved him for 15 years and also lost a baby for him. He moved to another country and didn't join him because my father was so sick at that time. He asked me to move there again last year when I visited him and I was seriously consider it. Since I am getting older I do need to stay with him to get a baby and he also wants a baby. I decided to quit my job and join him and I had to get a care taker for my dad (I feel bad about it). Everything was smooth and I have already started planing to move and then I got a message from him 'I met a girl today and I think I like her a lot'. And that was the last message I got from him...
  • Selena  - This is my frist proper relationship and I've done
    I'm 24 and I have in this relationship since i came to Australian..And making him happy meant everything to me..

    I still remember there were few months that we lived together, I cooked him breakfast but then he got so pissed at me because I woke up him for breakfast...

    I kept all my profile private so that no other man will find me and try to talk to me because that's what he wanted..

    Well...He hit me a lot back in the time but everytimes I wanted to break up with him, he begged me...So I couldn't really break up with him because I loved him so much..

    But then out of sudden, this girl came into his life...They were friends before, but then she cut off all her friends because she was married to a guys. Now she just got disvoiced.

    I'm pretty sure they had a history otherwise there is nothing can explain how they got together so fast just by 1 month during the time he was in Malaysian.

    He told me that he knew her from very long time ago...

    And now this girl is even living with him in his flat which is just 1 building away from my flat! And I moved here just to be with him! And I'm paying super expensive rent.. which now I feel its just such a waste... She came here to visit him btw... because they are soooooo in love and he kept telling me noooooo she is just a friend... LOL ... Why is he still trying to lie after all these truth has came out?! She is showing all the pictures that they are together on facebook right now...

    I feel so pissed and sad at the same time.
    I tried to kill myself but I couldn't.

    It's like yesterday we were still talking about when are we gonna live together soon but today he is with another girl..

    How can a man do such thing? Don't they have feelings??? Are they humans??? I guess not..

    He is worse than an animals...
  • sdsds  - dssdsd
    During our breakup conversation, he told me he hasn’t been happy for a while. No time frame was mentioned. Yet when we were together, he never once acted like there was anything wrong. We would laugh and joke just like before. He told be he’s tired of being lonely (I guess referring to us not living together). That made me feel so hurt for him because I NEVER wanted him to feel like that. I very loved him. I need get him back and my last chance was love spell . Entered on the website http://best-love-spells.com, because I read that she has a lot of positive feedback. I’m not disappoint. My lover back to me in only one month. We are happy couple now.
  • smg
    My fiance and boyfriend of 10 years left me 6 months before our wedding for another woman. Knowing that there are others going through similar heartbreak makes me feel that we are not alone. Everyone tells us to move on. But it takes great strength just to go a day to force ourselves not to communicate with the ex.
    My finance left me 3 months ago. Being the soft person I am, I begged him everyday which gave him the opportunity to toy with my emotions when I was vulnerable. I'm not going to lie, it's not easy. But i look forward to the day where I don't feel anything for this man. We can do this! Even if it means we have to cry or feel sad for a while. This is just temporary. hang in there!
  • lacey
    My boyfriend left me for another women and im 5 months pregnant he said he would always be there and kissed and told me.loved me till the day he left i loved him more than anything i feel like i cant recover but thanks for the motivation to get better it helped :)
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