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Depressed after being Abused in a Relationship - How to Recover  E-mail

 

Hello Maria,

I hope you can help me please. I have read many stories on your other website regarding narcissism and can relate to them completely. The gaslighting, blame, infidelity, porn addictions and pathological lying and abuse in every form. There was never any pleasing my husband, it was "you make a great house mouse" but don't know how to be a good wife and love him right. I was the main supporter as he lost job after job from multiple absences to ego wars with his bosses as he is a mechanic and there is no better than him. He was addicted to gambling, xbox violent games 3-4 nights a week all day and all night and wouldn't be intimate or come to bed with me and when I mentioned it I was a f***ing nag and insecure.

He left me so many times to take "time" for himself and cheated, screwed me and his son financially, blamed me for pushing him away when he would come home from work midnight, again he is a regular day mechanic, emails from other girls, personal ads posted by him I would throw on his lap and he told me if i dig deep enough I will always find something so stop digging.

Gosh, there is so much to tell, the day of our wedding he made me call my mom and put her on speaker and say I lied, he was a good guy and never abused me. She flipped out and he got furious at me for making him look bad as she begged me not to marry him and if i do I'm written off. He dangled my wedding dress and said if you want to be Mrs. X you better shape the fuck up and start telling everyone including the judges for prior final restraining orders that I committed perjury and lied and to clear his name.

9 Final restraining orders later, trials, arguments, insults, lies I dropped the last one and he left the state and his family to move in with his sister and her drug addicted husband who he has made believe I am psycho and crazy and a liar. All of his friends became my friends because they hear personally how he was using me and cheating on me and he blamed me for that. He blamed me for his parents doubting him seeing and hearing what he did to me but they all now have taken his side and believe him even witnessing the abuse and wanted me to to leave him and now have a vendetta for me.

I pleaded, cried and begged for him to come back home to his family and he said I'm not his blood and to get a f***ing backbone and move on realizing all the mistakes I made to destroy my marriage. I was faithful, I cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, bailed him out on my own child support warrants, gave him my car, paid for it all from food rent, clothes to his cigarettes. I paid for a beautiful honeymoon, he didn't buy any of us bday or xmas presents cuz I didn't deserve it, my kids would say why doesn't santa bring anything for mommy as he had a pile of gifts.

But to get the the deepest part, this has tainted who i am, how i live and financially destroyed me, my golden credit and my career. I see a psychiatrist, they have medicated me but like many who say on here i feel a gaping whole and if he just said the word "go" i would return to stop the deep hearted pain. I still love him, I gave him all of me and he left with my heart, soul and wallet and tells me he will never be with me again because i am a sick diabolical devil who needs to be homeless and get raped a few rimes and he wouldn't piss on me if i was on fire, i am his true enemy for calling the cops and getting him arrested when he was abusive, my son lost a father due to my illness and not able to love him.

I loved him with every fiber of my being and did and would do everything to make this work since it's only been 2 months but he moved so far away, blames me for that and he said there is no way he will step into this city ever again cuz it's always arrests and bench warrants but that is because he doesn't pay. Last night I blocked his number from calling, not that he calls much but when he asks to talk to my son he gets upset cuz daddy never says a day he will see him and then goes off on me on the phone to remind me I'm all alone and I did this.

I spent the first two months crying, begging, pleading and he said it's to late to apologize. What am I even apologizing for. Is it because all of the money is gone and I'm a shell of the strong independent career driven house owning woman. I was to becoming so depressed I had t go on public assistance because I can't seem to get a grip on why or what made him do this to me because all it ever is is blame and I can't handle the burden.

Please help me from here, I know this isn't the whole story but I miss my husband and he says don't even call me that, a w**re isn't his wife, he's heartless, cold and telling me he wants to find "him" again before me and begin his life without me, what about me and his son down here who he has damaged and took everything financial he can so we lose it all and i lose my son from a nervous breakdown that I'm doing my all to prevent. Nightmares, fear, my world is so scary now, so alone.

Please help me.


 

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Maria's Reply:

Recovery from Depression After Being Abused in a Relationship

 

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your letter. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. You have been through a lot. It is no wonder you have become depressed after experiencing mental abuse and neglect for so long. I understand so well how you are feeling. I also understand that you miss your husband and wish he would return to you. Dear Friend, remember that you are just in the beginning of the recovery process. It has only been couple months since your husband left you. It is natural to miss him strongly at this point. If you did not feel the way you feel right now, there would be something wrong with you.

Based on your story it seems your husband has some serious issues. He is clearly unable to take your feelings into account. In the beginning of the relationship you fell head over heals in love with him. It has been shown in many studies that when we fall in love, during first several months the biochemistry of our brain is changing. As a result of this we become strongly attached to the person we love.

Unfortunately your partner started to act abusively towards you. When this happened you naturally felt miserable because you thought your husband loved you as much as you loved him, but when abuse took place you were forced to accept the fact that this was not true (because you knew that if we love someone we cannot behave like that towards the target of our love). You experienced an emotional conflict and you were forced to rearrange your view of your marriage and of your husband. This adjustment to new situation can be very painful and one can literally experience strong withdrawal symptoms.

I am sure that between abusive episodes there were better times in your relationship. Those good times gave you hope and made you stay with your husband. But eventually he always returned to his old ways and abused you again. This led to a negative cycle that fortunately has now finally come to an end.

Emotional abuse in a relationship

Relationship with our partner is the most important relationship in our lives. It forms the center of our lives and serves as a base rock upon which we build everything else. Together with our spouse we form a solid unit, two adults sharing their life. This relationship should be balanced and equal. If it is not, we feel insecure because the very foundation of our life is in jeopardy. If we cannot trust that our husband or wife is going to be there for us, support us and stay with us, we cannot plan our future. The insecurity will create all sorts of other problems, such as jealousy and co-dependency.

It is even worse if we are being abused by our partner in life. Our partner should be the one person who we can always trust and rely on. If we are being attacked and abused by our spouse it will wound us deeply. We have opened our heart to this one person and now he or she has turned against us. This makes us feel disoriented, confused, depressed and anxious. If the abuse continues for a long time there is a danger that one becomes seriously depressed.

If one is being abused by the beloved one but is unable to end the relationship, this has usually been the course of events : At first we fall strongly in love. Then our spouse takes away his or her love and starts to mock us, telling us we are no good etc. As a result of this we feel miserable, we literally experience withdrawal symptoms. The love of our spouse has been like a drug for us and now we are suddenly denied the access to that drug. Then our spouse tells us he or she loves us again. We have wanted to hear those words so much and now when we do we feel so happy, we feel we can finally go back to the way our life used to be.

But this is not the case. Something has changed, even thought we may not be aware of it at first. We can no longer love our spouse unconditionally after being treated badly. We try to get back that loving, happy feeling we had in the beginning of the relationship but that is impossible, especially if abuse continues. We are literally in a roller coaster ride of emotions. We feel relative happiness when our spouse is expressing his or her love towards us. When that happens we are being lifted to the peak of "happiness" but then again being thrown to the dark valley of depression when our spouse is withdrawing his love and is mentally (or even physically) abusing us. But the peak of that happy feeling gets smaller and smaller as abuse continues. Eventually we no longer remember how it felt like to be truly happy. Even if our spouse is with us, we cannot feel fully secure and happy because we know he or she can unexpectedly turn on us and abandon us.

Children who's parents are neglecting them do not develop the basic sense of security as they grow up and might find it difficult to trust other people as adults. It is a bit similar situation if our spouse is abusing us. We trusted that person fully and that person let us down. That leaves deep mental wounds.

Dear Friend, you are now in a similar situation. You have loved your husband dearly, but he has wounded you deeply. You have become dependent on him emotionally and now when he is not around you experience withdrawal symptoms. It is perfectly natural to have such emotions. If you did not feel the way you do, there would be something wrong with you. The hardest part is to get over the first weeks and months after the separation. I know it is hard, but try to stay strong and not to contact your husband. Do not let him hurt you and humiliate you more.

Depression due to abuse in a relationship - Biological approach

Now let me say few words about the depressing feelings you are now experiencing. It will help you if you know what is causing your negative feeling. You are feeling sad and depressed because you are still in love with the dream image you created of your husband in the beginning of the relationship. You are not in love with the real man who has been abusing you and hurting you. You feel the way you do right now because you are experiencing withdrawal symptoms. It is the same situation as if you were trying to get rid of drug addiction or quit smoking. You said you just cried last two months and that you had to go to see a psychiatrist and get medication to help you to deal with your depressing feelings. It is good that you have been seeking help. Medication will help you to get over the sharpest peak of the pain.

Based on your story it is likely that you have been getting slowly more and more depressed over the years due to bad behavior of your husband. Most people will get depressed if they hear constant mocking and experience constant mental abuse. It is possible to be depressed for a long time without being aware of the seriousness of one's condition. If you have been depressed for a long time, medication will help your brain to regain the ability to to maintain healthy level of production of certain neurotransmitters that are important for mood regulation. To read more about this topic, visit page "Physiology of Depression" at my other website brain-depression.com.

The most effective way to treat severe depression is the combination of medication and several behavioral changes that help the brain and the mind to heal. There are many things you can do to help your brain to regain the healthy biochemical balance and hence regain your happiness. To read more about these methods, visit page "Ways to treat depression without medication" at website brain-depression.com. Make it your priority to heal your brain and your mind after the damage your husband has done. When you concentrate on this goal, you will soon see you spend less and less time thinking of your husband.

Medication is helping your brain to increase the concentration of crucial neurotransmitters that help to elevate your mood. If you follow the instructions on page "Ways to treat depression without medication" (see link above) you are speeding up this process tremendously. Observe how your mood elevates after doing some exercise or simply after going for a walk. Accept momentary bad feelings as part of the healing process, do not try to fight them.

Remember that your feelings are not caused by your love towards your husband. You do not love the person who has been treating you this badly. Your negative feelings are the result of the changes in the physiology of your brain. From now on your situation will start to improve. Once you have healed your brain and mind, I am sure you will never again want to let your husband back into your life to cause you more suffering. Give yourself time to recover. If you have a weak moment, please re-read the letter you sent me and ask yourself do you really think you can love a man who can treat you this badly? I believe your answer is "no".

Dear Friend, trust me when I say this: You WILL survive this. The day will come when you will be happy that you left this person who has caused you so much pain and suffering. There are millions of people on this planet who are this very second going through exactly the same emotional suffering as you are going through. It helps to know you are not alone. Please write to me whenever you feel like it.

Warm hug,

Maria

 

It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.

____

 

If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (2)
  • lisa
    May god give u enough power to overcome your suffering.m also in a physically and verbally abusive marriage.we sleep un a separate room an d have no intimate relationship.i feel so lonely and depressed. I cry every night. I cant leave him since we have two kids.and i dont want my kids to grow without their father. I am no t at all happy.sometime i feel like ending my life but the thought if my kids comes. My lifr has become misreable. I regret marrying my fu**ing husband.
  • danniella
    hello i hope you can help me, it has been one month since i have left my parter we has going to get married this year but i could not go alog with it, he abused me everyday with nasty comments calling me all sorts of things im only 20 and i met him when i was 16 and we have was dating for 2 years and then i moved in with him that was when it all started me would always think i was with some other man when i was meeting up with my girlfriend and call he a whore he is egiptian and he likes me to be in the house all the time at first it was fine for me but aventuly he contoled everything i did, i would not be able to see my friend because they were aparently slags and no good foe me that they would brain wash me, he would like me to cook 7 times a day because he is a bauncer in a night club so he needed to eat alot to train, but i am not very good at cooking if i did not do everything he told me to do he would beat me but this lasded hours a day, i would feel so tierd and i did not no why he was doing all of this to me, he would say to me its so i would lern how to respect him and do whatever he tells me to do, then it just got worse he useto take me to a forest and strangle me and when i would wake up i would me punching me in the stomak me would repetedly say to me why do u make me do this why dont you just make it easier and respect me i never did anything wrong to him, i always did whatever he would like but it was never enuf for him when he useto tell me the things i did wrong it all sounded so correct that i was wrong and i did deserve everything he would do to me, but i was always unhappy i have no self esteam and i feld like he did love me he was just making me lern and it was his way of showing me, he would always say if i dont change he would go with another gierl i loved him so much and i still do and i cannot stang the tort that someone elce is with him, he tryed to change me into muslim i am christian i did not miend to change because i loved him and i would do anything to make him happy and if i arged with him or evan say something that was not what he wanted to head he would go crazy so i did everything for him, he made me read the coran and said to me that i could not see my family anymore because they would not be ok with it, i left eveyone my family are eveything to me they did not want he to be with him because they sore me with brooses all around my boby i just said i was doing kickboxing and i had a black eye,they did not belive me i am not good at lying, and they new i was unhappy but the thing is he just useto kiss me and say sorry that he does not no what happends when he gets angry and he cannot stop, i wanted to help him i thorti could but i would happen always but i could not go i loved him and i thort one day he would be the way he useto be we useto laf to mutch hours a day but things changed, but i did not want to leve him he was had bad relationships and they have left him and hert him and i did not want to be one of them but one day i just could not do it any more veryone was saying to me whats wrong with me i am not the same bubbly person that make everyone happy, the day i felt him was when he was at work one night and i junped over a wall in the garden to get out on the street,he useto lock me in the house,but i got out and i got a taxi to my mums house and he was ringing the house fone and no one was picking up so i supose he new that i runaway i herd his car when i was arriving at my mums house my mum was wating for me because i rang her from a pay phone i did not have my own phone he did not want me to have on, and he was crying sayin come back that he loved me and lets try and sort something out i realy just wanted to go back home with him but i new he would kill me one day, and i never went back to him,he would write to me over email and say he loved me me missed me that the hause still smelled of me, and he missed holding me in bed at night i missed him so much i just wanted to hold him and say eveything was ok and that things would change and never do the things he did but i now he cannot change, he massaged me all the time i was not replying my family was hellping me soo mutch, then we was sending me messages that he was going to kill himself and the things he said was horrible so i rang him but my family stoped me to go and see him, they said he is playing with my head. they got me a flight out of spain that is where i was and i moved to nigeria with my dad but i miss him always and always think of him i do not feel the pain he corsed me i only feel that i need him i just miss him so mutch but i no he is not good for me, my family want me to go to the police back at home because the police all no him and they said to my sister that all he needs is one person to come and tell thers story but i dont wnat go hert him, i dont want to be the person that puts him in prison, i dont want him to be in pain, he would make himself be sick when i was with him so i would lookafert him and he would say it was my folt he was ill and it was my folt he did not eat, i need some help to get him out of my head i no he is no good for me but i miss him
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