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Depressed after Ending a Relationship with a Narcissistic Emotional Abuser  E-mail

 

Maria,

I came across this site while searching for an answer to the pain that I am feeling.  I was completely shocked to find out that the man I love might be a narcissist.  I will tell you my story, but please bear with me as it is quite long and very painful for me.  I’m hoping this will be a good outlet to let it out and begin the healing process.  Here is my story.

Let me start by saying that before I met this man couple years ago I had just purchased a house by myself and had a great job.  I was single, independent and happy with many friends and family. Then I met what I thought was the most wonderful man.  We became fast friends and had been talking and hanging out almost every day for 2 weeks.

I learned that he had a girlfriend, who I’ll call Stacy, so my hopes of being in a relationship with him were quickly squashed.  He stated that he wasn’t happy with her and that they had been drifting apart for a long time.  I still decided that we were to remain friends, as I am not the type to enter into a relationship with one who seeks to have an affair.  He had a wedding that he attended with her, and I had sent him a text and called him the next day to see if he had a good time.  I got no response, but I thought nothing of it.

Later that night he came to where I was working and told me that he was sorry he didn’t respond, but he was busy helping her move out.  He had kicked her out of the house (they lived with his mom) with no explanation other than things weren’t working.  I asked why he did that and he said he realized he wanted to pursue a relationship with me.  I, of course was elated, but sad at how she must have felt.

Needless to say, we began dating and it was wonderful.  I was head over heels in love and he claimed he was too.  We talked of marriage and actively tried to have a baby, which never happened.  He moved into my house and started paying the mortgage, while I paid all the other bills.  He showered me with love, flowers and other pricey gifts and this went on for about 6 moths.  On Mother’s Day he told me that he loved me so much and he couldn’t wait to marry me and make me a mother someday. Two days later I came home from work to find that he had moved all of his things out.

Hysterical with tears, I frantically tried to get a hold of him and when I did, I was told to calm down that he would be there soon.  When he got there he explained that he loved me but he was confused.  I asked if he wanted to go back to Stacy and he said he didn’t know.  I was so devastated, I cried for hours.  Eventually, after hours of talking to him and crying, he decided he wanted to stay.  He moved his things back in the next day and everything was great again.

Then after a little while, the lying, manipulation and cheating started.  I would catch him in lie after lie and when I would confront him he would continue to lie.  He always had a way of making me believe everyone else was lying.  He would tell me he’d be home in a little while and he wouldn’t show up for hours on end.  He would lie about stupid little things just to frustrate me and play games with my head.  All the while, when he was with me he would continue the marriage and baby talk and constantly tell me that he loved me more than anything in the world.  He told me that I was the only one for him and he would never do anything to jeopardize losing me. I had my suspicions about cheating, but I never had any concrete proof.

I found out about the cheating through his brothers girlfriend.  We were all out one night and she blurted out that Stacy had attended a recent skiing trip that he neglected to tell me about.  I questioned her more and she looked bewildered that I had no idea that Stacy was always spending time at his mother’s house, even going as far as sleeping there on occasion.

My heart dropped and I was in complete shock.  I questioned him about it, but he denied everything and claimed that our friend didn’t know what she was talking about.  He said she was just saying those things because she didn’t like him.  For whatever reason, I believed him.  He had 2 weddings to attend while we were together, both of which he said he wasn’t allowed to bring a guest.  On those nights I sat home alone while he sent me texts saying I love you and miss you and I’ll see you soon.  A few days later our friend showed me pictures on a social network site of my boyfriend and Stacy skiing, going to the beach, at the weddings.  Yes... he took her to both of the weddings.

Again, I was heartbroken and devastated and when I confronted him he claimed that the pictures meant nothing and that they were just friends.  I told him to take his things and get out of my house, which he did, but he had left behind his laptop and washer and dryer and refused to give me back my key.  My family took action and decided to change the locks on the house. A few days later, I came home one night and noticed the laptop was missing and the window was open.  I called the police to make a report which they did and told them that it may have been him.  They questioned him and he admitted to breaking into the house and taking it but he believed he had every right since he was paying money into the house.

Two days later, I was shopping with my sister and he had called asking where I was, he said he was waiting at the house for me and wanted to talk.  I hurried home, but unbeknown to me, my sister had phoned the police because she was worried and didn’t trust him.  When I arrived they were already there talking to him and made him leave the property.

Later that night he called and told me how much he loved me and wanted to work things out, and I agreed because I truly do love this man.  He did not move back in at that point, but he continued to help me pay the bills and I thought things were going okay for a bit.  I still had my doubts. I was extremely depressed and started having panic attacks and had even had thoughts of suicide.  I told him about the panic attacks and he told me that I needed therapy, so we found a therapist and he paid for many of my visits, even driving me there on occasion.  He said it would be good for me to get me to trust him again. My family and friends stopped talking to me, all I had was him.

Then we got into a little fight and he refused to talk to me for a couple of days.  He finally agreed that on Tuesday night he would come over and we would talk. I waited and waited and he never came so I called him and he said we could talk another night because he was sick in bed.  I agreed and went out for the night with a friend.

On the way home, I saw his truck parked outside of a local bar so I went in to see if he was feeling better.  I find him in there with Stacy.  I went over to him and confronted him and Stacy yelled at me saying that I needed to leave her boyfriend alone.  She tried to punch me the face and we got into a terrible fist fight in the middle of the bar.  He just walked away and left the other patrons to clean up his mess.

He left with her and left me to go home by myself, bewildered and crying.  At this point I was a mere shell of what I used to be.  I was emotionally and mentally drained.  This is when my panic attacks started.  A couple of days later he showed up at the house saying that nothing was happening with the two of them and that he was in love with me.  He said he didn’t know that she was going to be at the bar. He wanted us to have our dream of a family again.  Hurt and confused, I continued to believe him.

A couple of days after that, he was at my house for dinner after work, we talked about him moving back in again.  He left to go home saying he’d be back later.  Not long after that, a friend tipped me off that Stacy was at his house.  I drove over there and sure enough her car was there.  I marched right in and confronted him and he told me I was acting crazy and that I needed to leave.  I did, but before I left, I told him that he has hurt me for the last time.

I left in tears and went to a friend’s house.  Within the hour he was calling me telling me that he loved me and that he asked Stacy to leave for good.  He would do anything to be with me even if that meant severing his ‘friendship’ with Stacy.  Again, I agreed.  He moved some of his things back in, but the lies and manipulation started again shortly after.  In the end, he left me, penniless and alone with no way to take care of any of my bills.  He had made me quit my job quite awhile before all of this happened.  When he left, the only reason he gave me was that he couldn’t take me being so paranoid all of the time.

I was devastated again and severely depressed.  My depression got worse when I learned that the day that he left me, Stacy had moved back in.  For 3 months I tried to wrap my head around why this man would do this to me and the only conclusion I came up with was that he wasn’t in love with me.  I slipped into a very deep dark depression and contemplated suicide again.  Luckily, my family stepped in and helped me get back on my feet, I was still very depressed but I could pay my bills and hold down a job and I slowly started coming out of my shell.  Three months of relief. It didn’t last long.

Two months ago he contacted me saying he made the biggest mistake of his life.  He wrote letters to me begging for another chance and if given the chance he would never screw it up again.  Reluctantly, because I am so madly in love with him, I took him back.  It was absolutely wonderful.  We booked a trip to Mexico together with hopes of being married there and he put me on his cell phone plan.  We were communicating better than ever and through talking to his family I was sure that Stacy was gone.  He said he asked her to leave because he realized that he was in love with me, and his family confirmed that for me.

For two months, I was never happier.  We were together everyday constantly for the better part of 2 months and he slowly started moving back in. We attended my sister’s wedding and that was wonderful.  We came home the next day and carved pumpkins and then he left to go to his friend’s house to fix his truck. He never came home that night and never called.

I heard nothing from him for 3 days until he sent a text saying he’d call me later, which he never did.  I let it go for a couple days and when I still didn’t hear from him, I went to his mother’s house looking for him.  When I found him he was cold and distant.  I asked him why he was doing this and he said it was over.  Just like that.  He said he doesn’t think that I will ever trust him.

I asked him about the trip that he had already paid for and he told me to go by myself.  When I asked him about our cell phone plan, he just shrugged his shoulders.  I said “Do you not love me anymore? Is there someone else?”  He said “It doesn’t matter if I love you or not and no, there isn’t anyone else”.  With that, he left me standing there alone and crying.

He would not return a phone call or a text message; it’s as if he erased himself from my life again.  He has not cancelled the trip nor cut off the phone and he has yet to come and pick up any of his things (which include his only suit, passport, birth certificate and about 25 articles of clothing) and has not brought the key back. He ignores any messages I try to send him about these things.

I’m left heartbroken and alone again, with no one to turn to.  When I took him back, my family and friends refused to talk to me.  I sit home alone at night and cry myself to sleep and I only leave the house to go to work.  I have slipped back into a severe depression and it is extremely painful.

I don’t understand why he would do this to me… why would he come back into my life just to hurt me again?  Is this the pattern of a narcissist or is he just a horrible, careless thoughtless person?  I am crying out for help and answers and I feel that I am at the end of my life.  Someone please explain this behavior to me and help me to understand this.  Maybe if I understand the pattern, I will have an easier time moving on.  For some reason, I’m still in love with this man after all of this and I’m afraid that he will come back again and I won’t be strong enough to say no.

Please help me and thank you for listening.

 

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Maria's Reply:

Depressed after ending a relationship with a narcissistic emotional abuser

 

Dear Friend,

Thank you for sending your story. I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been to that same dark place where you are now, not being able to imagine a future without my narcissistic partner. Life without him seemed meaningless and colorless. When I finally decided to end my relationship with this person who had such a damaging effect on my life and emotional well-being I felt sad, confused, depressed and very lonely.

In the beginning my bad feeling was constant. But after some time I started to have brief moments when I felt less bad. As time went by, those moments became more and more frequent. Then I started to have moments when I could actually feel something close to happiness when I experienced something beautiful like heard a beautiful song, saw a touching movie or just saw a beautiful landscape on a sunny day. Little by little those moments started to be more frequent. I still felt very sad and depressed whenever the memory of my narcissistic partner would enter my mind, but I was able to control my emotions better.

What I described above is a typical pattern of a recovery process when a relationship ends against one's will. Even though I was the one who decided to end my relationship I did it against my will. I loved my spouse very much and would have given anything to be able to continue the relationship. But that would have required that he would have changed dramatically, and he was not capable of doing it. He was unable to experience empathy, insensitive to the pain his behavior caused me, dishonest and abusive. It is impossible to be in a relationship with such a person and maintain one's mental health in the same time.

I finally understood this and realized that if I stayed with this person, he would destroy my whole life. I became very depressed as a consequence of the emotional abuse I experienced constantly for several years. After ending my relationship I had to recover not only from the separation itself but also from all the emotional wounds I had as a result of his emotional violence. Emotional wounds are invisible to others but they are often much more difficult to heal than physical wounds. Physical wounds eventually heal, but in some cases emotional wounds prevail for a lifetime. Emotional wounds can change the whole personality of a person.

I used to be outgoing, cheerful, happy person before I met my narcissistic partner. After couple years I had changed into a reserved, depressed person, not smiling as often as I used to, not meeting my friends but instead slowly withdrawing myself from the world. That is what an emotionally abusive relationship can do to a person. My narcissistic partner blamed me of my depression, telling me it was "in my genes" and also said that he "did not like people who get depressed". He accused me of being depressed and was completely unable to see that it was his abusive behavior and dishonestly that had caused my depression in a first place. Sadly this kind of a behavior is very typical for narcissists and emotional abusers. Only after I ended the relationship with him I started to resume my earlier, happier personality.

Dear Friend, I know how extremely hard it can be to end a relationship with a narcissistic partner. Many people who have been involved with a narcissistic partner and have managed to separate find it hard to believe later on how they endured in a toxic relationship for so long. In a similar way people who have not been in a relationship with a narcissist often cannot understand why someone would stay with an abusive spouse when it seems clear that the abuse is continuing. Only those people who have experienced a relationship with a narcissistic person can truly understand the horrible power a narcissist can have over his or her victim.

It is not possible to know if someone is a narcissist or not without knowing the person. However, regarding your boyfriend, the actual diagnosis does not matter. It is clear that he has some serious behavioral issues. He seems to be unable to put himself into your position and understand how much his behavior is hurting you.

It is not normal to disappear for several days without calling or informing anything. Normal people dont behave like that. There were also many other things you described in your story that are not the behavior of a normal person. I know how horrible you felt every time you found out about his lies. You said that in the end he blamed you of being overly jealous and paranoid. You would have been a fool to trust him after everything he had done, and yet he expected that from you. There is clearly something wrong with him. It is clear that this relationship is not good for you. This man has made you severely depressed with his emotional abuse and constant dishonesty. He has literally pushed your life off balance. I am glad you have reached the point where you realize that this is not the way a relationship should be between two people. That is the first step in your healing process. To read more about how to break up with a narcissistic partner, visit page How to end an abusive relationship.

I know how extremely hard it is to break free from this kind of an abusive relationship. I know the pain you felt when you realized that he had been lying to you and had been spending time with his ex girlfriend behind your back. It feels like he is literally stabbing you to the back. When lying and dishonesty continues, you eventually reach the point when you no longer feel good even in his presence. His presence used to be soothing to you, but if you examine your feelings now I am sure you realize this has changed. Even if he would come back to you and tell you he loves you and wants to be only with you, you cannot fully trust him after all his previous lies.

It is important that you realize you cannot get back the feeling you had towards him in the beginning of the relationship when you felt he loved you back as strongly as you love him. All the lies and dishonesty regarding his ex girlfriend have shown you that whatever he is feeling towards you, that feeling is not similar than what you feel towards him. I believe he cares for you in some way, in a way that is possible for a person like him, but that caring is nowhere near true love. We do not treat those who we love this badly.

Ask yourself could you ever do to him what he did to you. I do not think you could. And I think the reason why you could not do such things is because you love him too much to even feel the desire to be with anyone else. This is not the case with him. He is clearly only thinking of himself. He is unable to settle down with one person and commit to a serious relationship. It can be that he needs "excitement" and "drama" in his life and starts to feel anxious and nervous when things go on unchanged for too long. That is very typical for narcissists. They get easily bored and restless unless they have a sufficient amount of exciting stimuli around. They need the admiration of others in order to feel worthy and important.

Your boyfriend had two women who "wanted him" and who were literally fighting over him. If your boyfriend is a narcissist, such situation made him feel "grandiose", "special" and "important". That is why he kept cheating on you. It made his life exciting and reduced his restlessness. Sadly people like that are unable to think of the consequences their selfish actions have on others around them. It seems very likely that your boyfriend did not truly love neither you or Stacy. He might be incapable of experiencing the feeling we refer to when we talk about "true love". He was in a way playing around with the two of you, seeking for "narcissistic supply" in a form of the excitement he got from being involved with two women.

Dear Friend, I wish it does not make you feel worse when I say the above things. In my case it made me feel better when I realized that I had not lost the "love of my life", because my narcissistic partner had not truly loved me in a first place. If he truly loved me, he could never have done the things he did. I could never have done such things for him. I do believe he cared for me in some ways, in a way that is possible for an abuser, but that caring was very different from the caring of a normal person who is in love with someone. Normal people do not deliberately hurt the people who they claim they love. I told my narcissistic partner many times how hurt I was because of his behavior. This did not make him to change his behavior. There are only two explanations for that. Either he was stupid or an abuser who did not care about the pain he caused. I knew that he was not a stupid person who simply does not understand what he is being told, so I had to face the truth that I was in a relationship with an abuser. That was not what I wanted from my life.

Same is true in your situation. I am sure you could never have treated the person you love this way. You could never have abandoned your boyfriend when he was crying over you. We dont do such things to those we love. His actions have proven that he does not love you or his ex girlfriend. He loves himself the most. He is ready to sacrifice the happiness of others around him in order to get his "drug", his narcissistic supply (in this case the thrilling feeling when two women want him). When he keeps going back and forth between the two of you, he keeps feeling irresistible, because you take him back time after time, no matter what he does. Same seems to be true in case of his ex girlfriend. I am sure that woman is also feeling miserable due to his behavior.

Dear Friend, it is very important that you find the strength to break free and end this toxic relationship. If you stay with this person, he is slowly making you more and more depressed. It is clear by now that he cannot change. The things he has done are not mere minor mistakes that can be forgiven. He has betrayed your trust in a worst possible way over and over again and he has behaved in a cruel and uncaring way towards you.

Do not let him keep hurting you. Make it into your priority to save yourself and to regain your happiness. I know you feel right now that you cannot be happy without him, but trust me, after some time has passed you will be wondering how you could have allowed him to treat you the way he did. Separation is hard at first, but keep your eyes on the prize! Remember how happy and balanced your life was before you met him. The memory of those days will give you strength and hope. It is now your primary goal to get back to that emotional state. You know it is possible to feel as good as that because you have been there, you have felt it yourself. The memory of this man is not going to haunt you forever. Breaking up is hard in the beginning, but trust me, you WILL survive this! Never doubt that.

Warm hug,

Maria

 

It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.

____

 

If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (69)
  • Elli  - It is a drug
    This is a classic and heartbreaking story. But the writer will find peace and healing when she truly understands what has happened to her.

    To the outside world, this woman would seem weak, irrational, in denial, even deserving to be left out of her friends' and families' lives due to her poor choices time and time again.

    Unless you have experienced a relationship with a disordered, narcissistic partner, you cannot understand how much this relationship is like a drug-- and like a drug addict, you are not thinking clearly, and consumed by the next fix.

    Relationships with this kind of man don't have the kind of the kind of natural progression where the passionate honey-moon phases deepens into mature love, trust, and true friendship.

    You are kept constantly on your toes, your heart is constantly broken. As a loving and caring person, all you want to do is make up and get that feeling of love back from your abuser. Constant adrenaline, roller-coaster ride of emotions, fear of loss, and then the words that are like a hit of heroin..."I love you, I'm sorry, I miss you. It will be different this time." Loving a person like this drives you crazy.

    The man does not see her. She is a vehicle for his drama, and gets to feel special and desired when she is clearly so desperate for his love.

    The world pales in comparison to the little love crumbs he offers her, because she is in a state of constant withdrawal.

    She may believe these addicted feelings means she is head over heals in love with him, when in reality, he simply provides the fix that no one else can.

    It is important for the victim, as well as her support network, to understand this.
  • unknown  - hmm
    Hi..I read your story and feel your pain...however I did read your story very thoroughly and I'm gonna be quite honest with you ...first...the first mistake you made was being friends with a man that was married knowing u had feelings for.him in the first place and was attracted to.him. ..secondly ...he just got out of a relationship with someone else...it's to be expected that they might try and work things out ...in relationships people break up and get back together a few times before there final move...when she moved out after seeing her car at his mom's and u showing up don't u think she got upset with him when u showed up at his mom's and that's why she moved out and they fought again ....that's why he called u within the hour because she probably got mad and left...I totally know you must of been blind sided but let me tell u ....this story reminds me of my own...except I was the Stacy and u were the other woman... (that knew about me ) but still continue to mess with my man ....that's how I read this story ...sorry if I sound harsh but maybe try not to jump into a relationship ship with someone again so quick if he's just getting out of another one. .
  • unknown  - hmm
    Hi..I read your story and feel your pain...however I did read your story very thoroughly and I'm gonna be quite honest with you ...first...the first mistake you made was being friends with a man that was married knowing u had feelings for.him in the first place and was attracted to.him. ..secondly ...he just got out of a relationship with someone else...it's to be expected that they might try and work things out ...in relationships people break up and get back together a few times before there final move...when she moved out after seeing her car at his mom's and u showing up don't u think she got upset with him when u showed up at his mom's and that's why she moved out and they fought again ....that's why he called u within the hour because she probably got mad and left...I totally know you must of been blind sided but let me tell u ....this story reminds me of my own...except I was the Stacy and u were the other woman... (that knew about me ) but still continue to mess with my man ....that's how I read this story ...sorry if I sound harsh but maybe try not to jump into a relationship ship with someone again so quick if he's just getting out of another one. .
  • Gartely  - Addictive Love
    I'm sure people read this story and wonder to themselves, "How on earth did you continue to stick around with this guy?". I think unless you've lived it you can't understand it. In hindsight it will appear so obvious but when you are caught up in the addiction that is created you simply can not see it. I would recommend reading Dr Carnes book, "The Betrayal Bond". It makes it so clear as to how such a relationship can take place and how hard it is to break away from the addiction. I would go as far to guess that the authors attachment style is one of a "Pre-occupied" and her Narc boyfriend is a "Dismissive" type. This is a horrible combination and destined to failure especially when dating, or in this case, being abused by a malignant narcissist. I feel for you. I have lived what you have lived and that hurt is like nothing one can experience. You will survive and you will come away with a sensitivity that will forever effect you and be a blessing to someone who truly deserves your heart.
  • AngelBee  - WOW!!!
    Thank you all for sharing your stories. I divorced my Narc husband in Aug 2014, after 17 years of this crap. I kept thinking it would get better, after every good cycle....and kept giving him second chances after every bad cycle. My friends and family didn't understand why I stayed with him.

    I have four kids, and I kept trying for them. I NOW realize how damaging it was for them to see that dysfunctional of a relationship.

    I recently started dating a really sweet, kind man that I've known for awhile. And I just can't believe I allowed myself to put up with the horrible name-calling, lies, cheating, belittling, etc from my xh for so long. There are people out there who will treat you well...and will love you in a healthy way. Plus, I've come to realize that I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than be with miserable and mistreated with my xh.

    Please, please find the strength to break free from your abusive R's and move on. It is very, very hard....but is so worth it in the end to find your own self-worth again. You deserve better!!!

    My xh, after himself threatening divorce for years, now wants me back. It makes me sad that he is sad and hurting, but from all of the research I've read, these people can rarely change. I am never going back to being treated that way, ever again.

    Good luck to you all!!! You deserve a good life....be strong!
  • free bird
    Oh that I could grow wings and fly to hug you. I allowed that crap for five years. I can't believe strong me stayed. Letting him berate me day after day. He told me who he was and still I stayed. Love conquers all right. That was not love. I've got a list just like yours. It breaks my heart and frightens me how similar all these stories are. I hate pain. I hate being hurt. So he liked to hurt me. He's admitted this to me. He's also denied saying it. It's forums like these that are going to get me past feeling sorry for him. I remember crying as I struggled to sit up with three cracked ribs and he trying to look like he cared but couldn't quite muster it. After I tried to kill myself, he joked about it. Ha ha I can't be scared. Most of these people are cowards. I say calmly " I will call the police". He's afraid ofhe's afraid of jail. lol I know it's scary but thank him. He's teaching you survival skills. To stay hyper-vigilant at all times to keep you safe. Bullies have no power but the power we give them!
  • Mk85  - Recovering
    I could spend hours and hours writing about my experiences with my ex-N. I broke up with him in November 2014. Last time I spoke to him was the 17th of December after he sended me an abusive e-mail.

    I am angry, I feel screwed, I am sad and empty. Most of all I feel this towards myself: How could I have been this stupid! He doesn't even know I know about his cheating, yet he calls me a slag and far worse. The fact he is unaware I know many things about him is actually quite empowering. But if I think of the good times, I catch myself wishing we were back together. And this is what really is pissing me off!!!

    Anyone have experience with that?
  • Mimi  - Ms
    Please read the book: 'When Love is a lie' by Zari Gallard I found it on 'Amazon.co.uk'
    I too have broken up last year after 5 years of abuse from my N
    He kept giving me Silent Treatments after creating havocks in my life so I used one of those silences and then blocked his number in october as I could not take any more from him
    He has not contacted me since October after 4 calls which I never returned and that idiot
    was on match.com by December (This is how much He Truly loved me) with a false profile full of lies about himself
    he is now getting new fresh Narcissistic supply after I booted him out
    Believe me I am suffering still every day cos I wanted my relationship to work out right but he was so cruel and hurting me all the time without care
    he never took me out never paid for anything and used my home to please himself: Hot water, food, electricity...money...- I was never allowed in his house by the way the list goes on and on
    Those men are dangerous and can destroy normal decent people and their boundaries
    try and find a support group on line and read that book
    Good Luck and my deepest thoughts
    Mimi
  • slp52  - Similar experience
    You don't by any chance live in Indiana do you? I broke up a relationship with a narcissist who changed from an angel to a monster overnight. What is weird is that it was the same time period you described. His divorce from his wife was final on 12/17/14. I got a nasty email from him on 12/19. I suspect he tried to get back with his wife (who had sued him for divorce) during November which was when he got very cold with me and I broke it off. My only salvation from worse abuse was that I lived 500 miles from him. I know he had someone else and I suspected the wife because she had "abandoned" him by filing for divorce, and NOBODY LEAVES A NARCISSIST. However, I always wondered if he tried to talk her out of it while he was with me and I was supporting him through this bad time. Then I wondered if he had someone on the side also. The dates just got my attention. Hang strong - it gets better. Some of your pain may be coming from childhood - I had to realize my mother was the Godzilla of all narcissists and she had damaged me almost beyond repair. I had been attracted to narcissists all my life trying to work out the drama with her and I have taken a lot of abuse and pain. This is it for me. You will make it.
  • becky ross  - A GREAT SPELL CASTER THAT BRING BACK MY BOYFRIEND
    My name is Jessie Bender from USA My boyfriend and I were happy as far as I could tell and I never thought that we would break up. When his cousin died in a tragic car accident he went back to Philippine for a week to be with his family. I could not go because I was in the middle of entertaining out of town clients for work. He did not seem to be upset that I could not go so I let him be. The next thing that I know, he reconnected with an old friend from high school that he had a crush on years ago and they started to have an affair! I had no clue what was going on until a month after he came back from Philippine.He proceeded to see both her and I until I caught him testing her one night. I confronted him and he told me the truth about what happened. We broke up and went our separate ways. Neither of us fought for our relationship. I was angry and decided not to be upset about it and just keep it moving. Then after about a month of not speaking to him I became sad. I wanted him to tell me that he wanted to be with me and not her. I contacted Dr.ogala for a love spell and he totally helped me! he was able to get him to miss me to where he wanted to get back together again. He had a lot of regrets and felt bad for not fighting to keep me and for cheating in general. He values our relationship so much more now and we are together now! You can also get your lover back with the help of Dr.ogala contact him through his email:Holyspellcast@gmail.com.Or Holyspellcast@yahoo.com.his web site http://holyspellcast.webs.com and you can also call him +2348072371282 THANKS.
  • Mel B  - Miss
    Hello to all the wonderful brave women that have written on this amazing website- I can't thank you enough for sharing your horrific but hopeful stories, it really helps.

    I too was with what I think is a narc, he reckons he has bipolar which is rubbish- just an excuse for his behaviour.

    I absolutely fell for him hook line & sinker- he was so funny & charming at the beginning.
    I took him away for a few days as he doesn't work (surprise surprise!!), and I suppose the warning bells started to go off when I had less money in my account than I thought. Then in the next couple of days I wasn't snooping, I was looking for my phone charger I think, & I found a piece of paper with all my bank details written down in his writing, obviously I then knew he had been in my purse to get this. I stupidly didn't pursue it.

    We had been friends before we started to be physical, & I was aware that he had just split up with his ex, and that she was pregnant but he said that they had a very toxic relationship. He told me that she had tricked him into having the baby but that was probably a lie looking back. She then called up one day & asked to speak to me so I agreed. She told me that she was near to having the baby & she had had to call the police for domestic violence so be careful of him. I'm sure she was warning me off as a woman and because she was jealous, but of course I took no notice- I was smitten with him by this time.

    Things went really well for a while- the sex was absolutely mind-blowing, I'd never experienced anything like it, & that's saying something as I'm a very physical person. However, there were definite signs of being forceful sexually- he got a thrill out of very rough sex.
    We seemed to have so much in common & the sweet nothings and charming comments were endless. He used to call me "princess" which I thought was exclusive to me, then later found he called every woman he knows that! Of course!

    Then while I was there one day the phone rung & inevitibly it was his ex gone into labour.
    I insisted he left immediately, but he wasn't in any hurry. He was vile to her on the phone- extremely unsympathetic and I was shocked to the core for his behaviour. He did leave though and returned later on to be with me!

    By this time I felt guilty for being the other woman but I was totally besotted with him.
    He would be on the phone to his ex for hours sometimes when I was there or he'd go off for days on end without contacting me to see her & the baby or stay with his friend then come back and be abusive to me down the phone like I was being over-dramatic.

    Things just went from bad to worse then as his friend (or his 'friend with benefits' should I say) contacted him again who had not been speaking to him it turns out because he had attacked her!!
    I did know her but hadn't seen her for months, & I had no idea to the extent their friendship ran. I learnt that she was extremely jealous of me by him but she never said it to my face, and he was obviously loving playing off three women at the same time.

    This woman used to ring him every morning practically- every time I visited and arrange to come round. It was driving me so nuts I confronted him about it but that's when he started being mentally abusive & standing up for her instead of me, telling me not to be so jealous. She was his friend and I had to put up with it. Of course I did like an idiot even though it was obvious they were having regular sex when I went back home. We all had far too much to drink one day (I was drinking more & more now because of the pain and stress and frustration I was feeling) and this girl and I came to blows as they had shut themselves in the other room!! He loved us fighting with each other- it gave him a cheap thrill.

    The pattern had begun. He would throw me out while she was there or in front of other people after I had travelled all the way to see him accusing me of something or another. It was the most humiliating thing ever- I know you can all relate ladies.

    He would call her up after having been nasty again in front of me & invite himself over for sex! I lost count of the amount of times I left in the middle of the night- it was INSANE.

    Eventually the final straw came when we stopped seeing each other but then he contacted me out of the blue and I arranged to see him. Little did I know that he wouldn't be at home like he said I would have to go round to his friend's. I arrived it was awkward & he literally changed his personality from being nice to me earlier to the usual abusive monster. I still stayed the night but discovered my brand new phone had gone from my bag. I confronted everyone- they denied it but it was obvious to me. I left absolutely devastated a broken woman, only to find they had taken a £1000 watch from my luggage too.

    I stayed at my friend's for a bit, but I was so downtrodden from all this trauma I felt too weak & worried to call the police. Everyone told me what goes around comes around, and let me tell you all of you that have suffered far worse than me- it certainly does.

    A few weeks later I foolishly contacted him and he responded with the usual charm and agreed to see me. When I arrived he admitted he'd been drinking all day so I kind of knew something would go wrong.

    We left to visit his Uncle's and I'd probably been there for half an hour and the paramedics and police had been called. He had picked up a full can of beer and stuck it in my face. I'm now scarred for life and had to have over 16 stitches in my face. Everyone has been AMAZING. Without his Uncle and hospital staff/police I don't know what I would have done, as you've all said on this website there are some kind people in this world- my Mum is an ANGEL and it's AWFUL to put friends and family through these things because of these ABSOLUTE SCUMBAGS.

    But it's NOT great to hold onto or harbour bitter feelings, it isn't healthy. His own family have turned their backs on him now for doing that but he doesn't even seem to care- and he doesn't!! He wanted me to drop the charges and he's pleading NOT guilty!!! I won't because I don't want him to do the same or WORSE to someone else. He'll be going to prison next year. It still played on my mind though let me tell you EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING he's done.

    Please take care all of you and I hope you all feel lifted out of the darkness soon- these monsters are not worth our tears.
  • Austin  - went through something similar with my SO
    I was with the girl for three years, loved her with ask that I had. Found out she was cheating probably for the majority of the relationship. Even after I caught her when she left her facebook open I tried to forgive her and did anything I could to make it work. She just up and left me one night and wouldn't even talk about it, I didn't talk to get for a month then realized I couldn't live without her. I asked her to marry me and she said led me on without an answer for a month, kept promising to leave her new boyfriend (the guy she cheated on me with) bit never would. Shed promise over and over tonight was the night but she's just ignore my phone calls and never follow through. She always said she wanted to marry me, and loved me with all of her heart but that obviously wasn't true. Ironically she would always accuse me of cheating and would make me feel guilty for enjoying anything in my life that she didn't have control of our enjoyed herself. I realized I sacrificed all the things I did enjoy to keep to keep her and it's been 3 months since i cut off contact after she begged me to stay in her life as a friend. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and like you I found no joy in life, and s suicidal at times, but like others said with time it gets better I only have down periods for two to three hours a night now, it's not my whole distance. I'm learning to enjoy the things I used to and finding new things which is a huge help. Learn something new and develop a new skill. It really helps with confidence and self worth which seemed to leave me after I lost her. When I hit my lies I reach out one or with friends and it helps as well. Never forget you're not alone in experiencing something like this.
  • Anonymous  - reply to Maria
    Dear Maria,
    I have been to that dark place. I will not get in to my story now as it is still ongoing and complex. I just want you to know that this is the type of person who wants to be in control, wants the final say. So when YOU decide it's over, that is a major blow to his ego.That is why he kept coming back. He had to be the one to say it is over. He is the master. Bows to no one. I feel for you so much. You are much better off without him and worth so much more!! Respect is the key word here.Just remember that. He obviously had no respect for you and you cannot love someone without respecting them. His loss. Love should lift you up. Not suck the life out of you. Be strong. Respect yourself. Love yourself. And know that you deserve so much more!! :D
  • Mimi
    Yeah Maria You hit it on the nail
    if you spend all the time of you relationship fearing to lose it and being unhappy as I was then it is a sign the whole thing is dysfunctional/toxic/abusive I used to spend hours dissecting what he had said as nothing ever made sense and then all the lies enmeshed with it..Time to work on our self-esteem and self-compassion... those men are supposed to protect us not destroy us
  • Esther  - Don't ne misled by "Spell Casters"
    (Note from Admin: this post is a response to a spam post that has already been deleted from the site. Thank you for posting this warning message, Esther!)

    When I was having issues with my Narc, I sought out a psychic. She told me that me and my Narc were destined to be together forever, and that I needed a spiritual cleansing, and so did he (I was surprised). She charged me $200 and gave a big clear quartz crystal, and told me that my $200 allowed for another session, at which time she would give me a white candle that was going to "clear my home" and "protect us". Well, this "psychic" named Millie from NJ, did not return a phone call, but would set up appts and flake every time. 3 weeks passed and I texted her to tell her that I wanted that candle before I left for FL. She waited for me to go to FL, then called me and we spoke...I told her what was going on, the narc abuse had escalated, and then she said she wanted me to give her $1000 from credit cards over the phone to fix him. I laughed.

    Its really disgusting how people, like Millie, and my Narc, and this person who posted this "spell" are so willing to manipulate and pounce... especially on the weak. Its deplorable behaviour to try and take advantage of a depressed and mentally abused person. So I'm sorry, but your "spell" isn't going to work, and you shouldn't have even posted on this website, where there are people suffering and trying to recover from months or years of psychotic abuse from their partners. We are not your targets to drain our bank accounts. Get a real job at McDonald's or something similar that you're probably not even qualified for...
  • Louise  - Narcissism
    I'm sorry to say, he will never change and it has nothing to do with you. I have had a three year battle with my xN. I went back to him 6 times. It got worse. They are empty, having two or three women hanging on that will accept their horrible behaviour makes them feel good. It's all about control. The first time he moved his things out on you would be to see how much you loved him. It was a game way back then. Please, everyone told me this for so long, don't take him back. He will destroy you. He is not as good as you think he is, he has created this desire in you as he's treated you like shit. You probably think you're not good enough for him and have to constantly fight for his love. My story is way too long to go into, but I am still trying to get back on my feet financially from this experience. Leave him and don't look back, he is a narcissist and they destroy everything and everyone they touch. I feel for you I know they can turn you inside out with pain. If you break free you will see there is better out there. You just have to give yourself time. It will be lonely for a while but it wont last. There are plenty of support forums out there with supportive women who have been through the same thing. They will all tell you NO CONTACT. The baby and marriage thing, he knows you want that so much, he's found your weakness, he will play on that and it will always be what the both of you will be in the future. They are selfish, uncaring, empty individuals. Write down a list of what he has done to you and then pretend you're advising your friend on this. What would you say? Good luck, I'd love to ship all these guys to an island where they couldn't hurt decent people.
  • bre
    Wwow thank you this story and these comments are helping me to deal with what I went through. I am still working on how not to feel like an idiot and embarrassed for myself ... How I could allow such a person to come in and out of my life and basically inflict harm.... a stronger person would have never let that happen. She would have took him at face value and believed that what he was showing her the first time, was his true self never... and would never want to see that man again. so on top of what he did to me this realization has caused me Great Depression and embarrassment. It's like I'm ashamed of myself. He would disappear as well, but little did I know he actually had someone in his life. He would say he loved me and then I wouldn't hear from him and I will get mad, and he would say never mind this isn't my priority. And I would be left trying to get ahold of him asking what happened I don't understand I'm confused. It wasn't until I fell down his flight of stairs that I realize I have to be done with this man because all he did was drop me off and did not contact me and ask how I was, he completely disappeared for a couple of months. And when he did call little did I know he got engaged to someone.... but I said no I can't do this anymore. about a month later which happened to be a month before his wedding, which I had no idea about, he contacted me again...I ignored the text. a few days after his wedding his friends had contacted me and told me the whole story, to which I contacted him and confronted him about....WRONG thing to do! He basically got me under his spell again. He told me he was having a breakdown. He told me he had to buy his way at a DUI, that his ex wife was taking him to court, how he was spending thousands of dollars dealing with his child issues and what not...... and I believed it all and I would talk him through it. I feel gullible and naive and stupid. He'd send me text messages saying I'm thinking of you. did make note that he wanted to have sex with me, but I brushed it off, I said something like you have to stop pushing away and realize people care about you... in reflecting back now I see he was serious he just wanted to have sex with me... I have a Masters in psychology, of course I'm trying to help him. I even wrote him the most beautiful unselfish email about how everything was going to be ok and how he should just take control of his life and write his own happy ending. He would always ask to see me and this was going on for 6 months after he got married. Now no married man should be asking his ex to meet up with him for a drink. it wasn't until my father had passed away and he kind of came in even stronger wanting to see me and I agreed finally because I thought he wanted to explain what happened and I asked if he thought he was going to leave her well I had to change the time of what was suggested and it was like I didn't hear from him. so I sent him a text the next day but his horrible behavior and I ended up sending an email to his wife. This note was very apologetic on my part of continuing to talk to him after he had gotten married but I let her know what he was saying and his behavior although I did sugar coat a lot of it. Again in reflection how stupid of me to protect this man. But I described her robe I found in the house that I guess she was staying out or moved Into so she knew I wasn't lying. In her response, it seemed like she believe me but also that he convinced her I had unresolved issues.... and that I wanted to break them up. In truth I needed this man out of my life and that was the only way it was going to work which it did. Its been a year and I haven't heard from him.
  • Karen  - It is a bd day
    Hi everyone. reading your entries have helped a little. I broke up with my boyfriend two months ago. I adored this man and did it against my will. He with held emotionally and physcially. Sex was down to 0 and the strange thing is he said that was my fault and I had problems and that is why we could not have sex. He wouldn't kiss me, said there was something wrong with me. He would take breaks from me, said I was too overwhelming and then he would be be back like nothing happended and he was so in love with me and all over me. It was so weird, and I could figure it out but I just loved him and wanted to spend time with him. He was cruel, tried to convince me I was mentally ill, and that I had such serious character flaws that no one would ever want to be with me. I finally ended it because I thought I would lose my mind if I didn't. I have been doing okay, and today I am having a bad day. can't stop crying. I am at work and just really needed to get this off my chest so I could go on with my day. I am wondering if it gets worse before it gets better. I have not contacted him in 7 weeks. this week I am doing worse than ever. I haven't cleaned my house, I am irritable and just down on myself. Does it get worse before it gets better?
  • free bird
    How it gets depends on you. Keep doing what you're doing that feels like success to you. I've been trying NC for two weeks now. Today I actually have not texted at all. I came here instead. One day at a time...one step act a time. Love to you
  • free bird
    I feel your pain but please don't let that stop you from finding you and taking care of you. If we wallow they win. It's so ridiculous. I(ve been swallowing these posts like air! This man had me twisted. One posts reads "...face it he got the better of you..." No he most certainly did not. I am queen of this castle. His weak ass could not be. That's why he's home. I'm finding strength in all of this. Feel the pain but get up anyway. You know how success is the sweetest revenge?
  • PAMELA
    Sounds like the creep left you wanting so you would desire him more U know that old trick these guys are Evil Shallow Scoundrels How Godless Evil men can do this to women makes me sick. Your all beautiful women created in image of God to be cherished n loved. Don't ever setttle FOT some Lazy immoral scoundrel. Men r suppose to make us feel beautiful when we are around them not Worthless. God makes us feel beautiful! !! He do not do what these men do!!!! And taking our money all time!!! my golly the bad man I just leave was always taking my pesos n making me do all work physical emotional financial Golly I was Exhausted! !! SHAME ON THEM!!!!!!! :angry:
  • Bonnie  - Reply to Kim
    Hi Kim,

    I do the same thing as you. I am a social worker and should know better but I read and read and read about narcisstic males. I am involved with I do not like to say labels, but a mixed up, confused and sick man. I loved him so much and he said he loved me. I have been with him 2 years, and tried to go on but he had a hold on me. He was good many times, cooked for me, said nice things about me, and was a good friend most of the time. However, he had this dark side that gave me the silent treatment if I asked for more commitment or marriage. I am 60 years old and he is 53. We had so much in common, he being a therapist and me a social worker. However for 1 year he did not say where he lived and I still don't know for sure. He says he lives with his friend, a man friend and at a hotel. We went to many places, and my house but never his in another county. I tried to believe him but deep inside I knew he was lieing. Now he says he cannot have just one woman. I think he is a nut now but I still hold out he will change because we shared so many good moments. We are going on a month of silent treatment except some texts from him and me calling and saying I need closure so I can go on with my life. I had a beautiful marriage for 21 years and he never cheated on me, always sweet and attentive. I need to stop calling, texting and pineing for a man who can never love anyone.

    Good luck Kim on your journey of recovery. You are a beautiful woman and do not deserve someone who treats you bad and discards you. I deserve better,too even if I am 60 years old, and have a kidney problem. I am still beautiful, lovely, educated and fun. Tell yourself that, Kim I am better than this man who makes me feel like nothing!

    Good luck to us all and thank you all of you for your stories, since even if I almost have a PhD in Psychology I am not used to men like this. I had a wonderful husband but he died, and how dare he leave me in this world of so many selfish and mean men!!!! ha ha
  • Joan Jones  - 32 year relationship
    After reading all the comments above I won't go into much detail because my situation very much mirrors what you all have written. I was married for 32 years and thru much of this time I knew things were not quite right but I always believed if I just loved him enough that I could love away all his demons.
    The signs were all there but my love for him was so strong I excused them all away.
    Several affairs and addictions later I am where I am now. Divorced thankfully and trying to put my life back together. I have tro beautiful caring sons that thankfully show no signs of narcisism. I shielded then growing up with excuses and tried to monitor the time they did spend with their Dad. I was always uneasy when they were little he was alone with them. You never knew what drama would take place.
    So it's now eight months later and as I said before I am trying to move forward. He left me with a business to run and has not honored the court settlement at all. Big surprise there! I have had done good days and just when I think i am moving ahead the gloom descends again. He left me after I had lost my job of 18 years and was going thru menopause. I guess I was not reflecting back to him what he wanted to see.
    Is this normal?
    My family has been extremely supportive. I feel guilty that I can't just move forward and be thankful I made it out without completely losing my sanity.
    Thanks for any advice you all might give me.
  • C L  - They all seem the same
    It was a relief to read stories that all seem to sound almost exactly like mine. I have walked away from a 3 yr relationship with a N bipolar man in my opinion. I think he may fit the bill for a sociapath also. 2 1/2 - 3 years of a back & forth relationship, he would just "go away" every 6 weeks to 3 months. Ususally the cycle lasts about 6 weeks but sometimes he would hang on a little longer. Most times with the same exit! Everything going along fine & then all of the sudden I call him or expect him to call me and then it is sometimes a week before I hear back from him to up to 3 weeks or more on occassion. He has a lot of grief (tragic loss) from 3 1/2 yrs ago. Anyway, I suspected he was "cheating" but could never really prove it. Then there was things like a strange womans hair in the drain or hair on the sink in his perfectly clean house. Calls at midnight or txt messages late at night. This time was my final time. 3 1/2 months together. Then all of the sudden, vanishes. Won't call me back, won't txt me back, etc. So, I drive over & it is the same as has been before. He does not want to see me anymore, it is all my fault, he did not feel he needed to call me & tell me. I ask are you seeing someone else, he says no. So, I wait till he falls asleep, snoop in his phone & guess what I find!!! It is him pursuing a relationship with someone over 2 hours away that he has not even met. I left his house in the middle of the night. She perhaps will figure out what is wrong with him, but it may take her a little longer since she lives so far away. Either way, I find it interesting that he did not waste anytime moving on to another victim while I had no clue. Be warry of this type of person, know that it is that person with the issues & get out & love yourself sooner than later. Don't waste 3 years or 3 minutes on someone who is treating you badly. Life is too short & we cannot get today back, so move on quick & no it is them that is the defective one! :)
  • Cassandra  - Humiliated and Devastated
    You all have no idea how much I appreciate reading and listening to the stories. I have been involved with my N for just shy of 4 years. I was a unhappily married mom of 5, and he was a great friend. My gut feeling said something was different, but I chucked it up to being different because I was falling in love...or so I thought. The red flags were there. I ran my own business and began staying up late as he worked evenings to see him and I should have realized it didnt go both ways. I started missing time at work and we became inseperable. We did everything together. I never once suspected he would cheat...that all came later. My now exhusband filed a restraining order against me for seeing someone else..and accused me of awful things...this was the beginning of my emotional abuse from both sides. We moved in together. He is a master manipulater. He can convince anyone of a lie...even though the truth is clearly obvious...I have seen him do it to everyone...and no one sees it until after the damamge is done. He has told me women he has slept with and others he says he hasnt...and the funny thing is...I know the ones he says he has slept with...he hasnt...and the ones he says he hasnt he has....and it is soooo sad. He is a con artist and very good at it. I gave up my family, my lake home, my job, and my kids to some extent. He would always preach about my needing to fight my ex husband for injustice, but he was always the first one NOT to support the fight or support me in court. I know this is long, but it helps to have me talk, because it makes the walking away that much easier as I liste to how stupid and foolish I was. We lived togethor for a year with my kids and the emotional abuse escalated to my children...I knew it was time to make plans to move. Our conversations were always my fault and I the blatant disrespect to me and our relationship grew physical and next think you know I was in jail. He has beat me down to such and extent that I retaliated and hurt him accidentally and his charm and wit won the police over and a I was charged with a felony. After a long court battle...I won. That win, but him over the edge and he professed his love and how he needed me....blah blah blah...and I fell for it....because I loved him. I learned about his Narcissitic Personality Disorder and thought...I can accept it for who he is...and I do. I now realize that by doing so, I am giving up myself. I am completely miserable and an utter mess, but my first step to moving forwards...starts right here..... Thank you all of you.
  • Elizabeth
    The best thing my N Ex ever did was turn his back on me and walk out of my life. Yes it still hurts to remember the good times but they were too few n far between... Seven years of my life were dedicated to him.. but I learned from it and have realized he will never have the love I do from my kids, family and friends who helped me pull thru. Stay busy..accept help from friends..go out.. work extra shifts ..do some fun stuff with the kids..go back to school..whatever made you happy before will make you happy again..that person can only control you if u let him...realize you are strong..you are a good person..and you deserve better. No alcohol or drug will help. Stay off that crap...Been there....There will be a morning when you wake up n he doesnt even come to your mind.....thats a good feeling...
  • Tim
    Wow! There are a lot of messed up people in the world. Trust me when I tell you that it's not just men who do this to women, but there are also women narcissists or sociopaths, or whatever you want to call them out there who do the same or worse. After reading Maria's story and all the responses, I feel like my dealings with a psycho were slight in comparison. Guess I dodged a bullet, but I still get bouts of depression. It's like these psychos take away part of your soul. Definitely not fair. I hope you start feeling better. Not everyone is a bad person. Good luck.
  • Robin  - getting better
    Goodness ladies all of these stories are mine but I think I set the world record for allowing my N to waltz in and out of my life 18 times. It is a dark, ugly, lonely place when they do leave (always for no real reason). I heard for 2 years "this is my process" notice its all about him. Never considered me or the other person's feelings ever, it was all about "his process". That isn't love, if his lips are moving he is lying. Time amoung other things will get you through this. Reading artices like this one helps you identify what your feeling, whats going through his head and not feeling. I am a person that needs a reason for things happening or why people react a certain way so without answers I was having a really hard time moving on. I read and reread anything and everything I could get my hands on. Self love class, understanding what if anything a N thinks, acts, feels, traits, etc. Church, faith in god and commiting to abiding by his will rather than my own. Hope this helps, its a process you cant hurry through, NO CONTACT will determine the length, severity of your hurt and healing process. No contact is the only way!!!!!!!!!!God I know this is/was so so so hard. The no contact will be your enemy, it will be your drug/high your chasing BUT no contact will be your saving grace! Do not open yourself up to the N again only for him to reject you again. You keep hoping for a different result and there never EVER will be one. HE IS SELFISH he will never change. my therapist said to me "you can't change an oak tree into a maple tree, it will always be an oak tree". no amount of love, kind words, money, or anything else you offer will change him or make him care. He never will! good luck to you stay strong and find yourself again.
  • PAMELA
    So rite Robin and Ladies be careful alot these Dudes go to church. Iseriouslu they go to stinking church to prey on good strong women!!! My golly they figure we never suspect them then u get emotional involved n wan!!! U Figure u married v better or Worse And U stay w him go counseling etcetera No Way RUN THE MINUTE U SEE THE WOLFYS TEETH HIGHTAIL IT OUTA THERE!!! :ooo:
  • Tam  - My Story
    Hello
    My story is so similar to all of these. It's helped my severe depression to read them. The man I thought was my soulmate, has recently discarded me for the fifth time. As always, it was brutal and abrupt. He had no compassion what so ever. He said I betrayed him. He broke into my email account and saw that I'd lied to him when he's ask I find told anyone about our relationship bee are not married to each other. (I was afraid to tell him that I'd sought advice from a mutual friend whenever he would do something cruel and hurt me. I tearfully tried to explain it was coping, and not betrayal. I have endured the lies big and small, the hyper sexual phases and the cerebral phases when he made me feel like the most unattractive woman in the world. He slept with other women when he wouldn't touch me and lies about it. I realize now, that I was merely the cactus he dripped upon from time to time.

    I also can't explain the "hollow" look in his eyes sometimes.
    He was always very elusive and when he did say he loved me, there was always something missing. We only slept together three times in five years and each time, it was almost mechanical.

    He's quit me before and returned. I don't know if he will be back this time or not, but I hope that I will be strong enough to resist this time. I want to be ME again.
  • Robin  - My story
    This is a long journey and you may go back and fall for his "words" again. Don't beat yourself up over it, I suggest you keep reading everything and anything you can get your hands on. I have been going through this for the last 2 years. I would say in the last 6 months started healing, he does come back every 3 months on average. Each time he comes back it gets easier to let him go because I give him less and less each time. Take self love courses, go to church, anything that fills you with positive thoughts. Walk, cry, pray for god to show you his will, he will listen. I promise!! I hate to say it cuz everyone has said it but time does heal, I promise. I allowed my x to come and go 18 times in 2 years, I was in such a state of depression, insecurity, pain...name the feeling I had it. Lost time with my kids cuz I couldn't let my kids see me like that. It is a pain that is so hard to verbalize.
  • Janey  - It's been a week... No more going back
    I just read a bunch of posts by all these beautiful women who have been scarred by these abusive, empty men. Though heart breaking as these stories are they are also wonderful, because it lets you know that you are not alone, that its not your fault and that there is a life after these relationships end.

    I broke up with my narcissist just over a week ago and though I've cried a bunch and feel like half a person, I know it was the right thing to do. I had never felt so uneasy, jealous or so full of anger towards my past boyfriends as I did with him. He never said thank you, he blamed my jealousy on my insecurity and would make rude jokes that make me feel bad about myself. I had tried to help him deal with a drug problem, which I thought was the real issue behind his lack of kindness and inability to reply to my messages and emails, but it was all a game. Constant manipulation and lies.

    Just like all the other messages here he talked about marriage, kids, trips,, getting healthy... But those were all words, there was never any action behind them. My gut kepting telling me, something doesn't feel right and often when I looked in his eyes, it was almost like there was no soul looking back at me, I don't know how else to describe it. Something was always missing.

    Though he hurt me emotionally, physically and financially I know in the end I will win. I have a good heart, I have love to give and now that I know he's the one with the problem I can forgive myself for all the things he made me feel were my fault, and move on with my life. We choose our lives everyday with every decision we make and I choose to live free from that abuse.

    Love to all of you wonderful ladies, and remember you are not the problem, they are. Be strong, you deserve better!
  • chantell
    I just read this message and my friend and I agreed I could have written it. It is totally identical. The drug use, blaming my insecurity and my jealousy. It is seriously freaky how your story is my story
  • Just Mimi  - Shahinoor
    :D I actually took that in a GOOD way. I don't know that she meant it in some condescending way. I DO know that we have to make a decision. Stop the ruminating. Move on. It has to be a very definite line in the sand sort of thing, or it will just be more spinning. I am there now. Learning about stopping the madness in my mind and heart, and working on ME and MY DREAMS. :)
  • lashondra neal  - help
    This was a great read i am suffering from a narcssistic abuse I have read so many articles but I really needed this one tonight it help me so much I prayed too god tonight because I am in so much pain tonight I don't no what too do I hope you get better soon.
  • Kimmie  - Thank you
    Your message has totally touched me. I too am healing from my EX Narc abusive relationship. It's been off and on for the last seven years. I finally decided, NO MORE!!! I DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS! I AM A BEAUTIFUL - LOVING SOUL! I agree, it's hard being on your own, but, everyday is getting better and better. I found myself tearing up when the woman touched your hand and said, "I'm sorry honey, it will be ok." Such beauty and kindness... It was like she said this to me too. I really needed that. I truly believe that in the end,,, everything will be a-ok! Peace and Love
  • Lynn  - Why did I tolerate his behavior?
    I am a smart mother of 3. All girls. I divorced my husband of fifteen years because there wasn't enough "passion". Be careful what you wish for!
    I met a tall, attractive confident guy. The sex was amazing. He was "mysterious". I liked the challenge. I didnt, however, like the picture of his ex girlfriend by the bed. He and I are 40. She was 61. He didnt take it down for 3 months. I had to make him.
    Slowly the affection became less. The sex became cold and distant. He would disappear for a couple of days and then show up and tell me that it was none of my business where hed been. He became increasingly violent. Broken rib and tooth. Strangle. Taser gun. Punch. Slap. Rip chunks of hair from my head. Stole my $6000 wedding ring from my previous marriage. Then cheating... Facebook was covered with half-naked pics of women. His relationship status was single.
    I stayed. Why? Fear. It was a three year relationship. Broke up sith him 2 weeks ago. He texts me (said he couldnt text when we were together) every day. I finally called and blocked his ability to contact me. I live in fear that he will show up at my house and hurt me. But I am tired of being that scared little girl that lives to make others happy! I have very little support. Most gave up on me because they sensed his evil. I will get through this. Thank you to everyone for posting your stories. They really help me when I am feeling sorry for myself.
  • Cassandra  - Thank you Lynn
    I swear we must have been dating the same guy...it us unbelieveable how much we endure because of what we think is love. I have no support as well...because they think I was being brain washed...some I could see, but the rest was just control issues with them. We are not crazy for loving...we are just human. I know it will take time... I am here in the same boat as you. We will get through this.
  • TLM  - Trauma Bonding
    In and out of a N-Sociopath relationship for 16 yrs. I had a four yr old daughter at the time we met. We had a son together, DV, used kids as a pawn. Married a d divorced twice! Use religion and our family as a cover! I threw him out for finding pictures of my now 18 yr old off my laptop to masterbate to. At that time he also confessed of four affairs at a time thru all those yrs. for fist fighting our own 14 yr old son! Long divorce, two yrs. refused to have a relationship with our son but blamed me. Son died ten months ago in a car accident ! He also blamed me for his death cuz it was a lack of fathering skills. It hasn't even been one yr. since the death of our son & seven months from our divorce and he has asked his ex GF to marry him next weekend!
    Anyways- trauma bonding is why we stay stuck...
    Knowledge is power
  • Lyn  - It really wont kill you.....but I wouldn't have be
    I hope this is a little support! I haven't seen my ex N in almost 2 months. I really thought I couldn't survive it......I couldn't stop crying for the first month and I still do from time to time, But the first month I had horrible anxiety attacks, I wake in the middle of the night hyperventilating, I had strange claustrophobic feelings and did not want to be touch by anyone, and I couldn't eat at all, I really thought that I would never survive losing him. I had never felt this way about another human being!! He left me coldly and suddenly, no warnings, now reasonings, just simply discarded me. He did say he was sorry...but that was really it. But in a phone call after he moved out, he stated that it was because of my insecurity and said that he felt my insecurity was a way to manipulate him......It was severely crushing to hear him say that to me. The one thing possitive that I thought to myself when he left me was that I really couldn't blame myself....because I put so much.....honestly TOO MUCH of myself into our relationship that If anything I could not say....I should have worked harder at being a good partner to him. With one simple phone conversation he took that away from me too. I really started questioning why I was insecure at time in our relationship.....and what did he mean by using it to manipulate him???

    A long time friend of mine who is graduating with his degree in Family therapy in a few months is what helped me where I am now. Mostly he just listened to me cry and try to figure out what happened in my relationship, I had always been confident and secure in all my past relationships, not clinging or insecure. But, I had become that with my Ex N. My ex N to me was perfect still in every way when he left. I knew he had had depression off and on, and I knew he had been depressed for a few weeks before he left, but he still spent all his time with me and told me he loved me everyday. The only think I ever said to him during our relationship was that at times he did hurt my feelings, that sometimes I felt unloved or like he didn't care, and that sometimes I felt ignored. I never blamed him or state blame towards him.....I would just express my feelings and try to be open. When I did this.....NO matter how nice I would say it, he would become angry and threaten to leave me. But always after a bad week or two....we would have a great couple months when everything seemed perfect and happy, like the first year and a half we were together.....we had never even had a single argument till almost 2 years together. I knew in the beginning of your relationship that he had a terrible marriage and divorce a few years before we met. He also was very honest with me and told me that he has been diagnosed and treated for depression and a personality disorder and he took anti depressants. He even told me in conversation once about a year after we met that his doctor said his profession fit his narcissistic personality......he said it almost bragging. at the time I didn't know anything about narcissist and I know even if I did I wouldn't have believed it anyways....because he was "god like" to me.

    One day as my therapist friend as usual was listened to me and talking about my ex N and our relationship that I missed so much and longed to be back in. He made a suggestion, he had never really said much till then, but thats what I needed at the time, someone to listen to me! But this conversation....I started talking about him threatening me with leaving all the time and that after my ex N would get mad at me......he would not want me to touch him nor did he want to touch me. Sometimes there was no reason at all....he just acted withdrawn, These were all things I never told anyone, not even my sister, I never said anything negative about him! After exposing these things about my ex N to my friend, he said....."thats a form of emotional abuse". my first thought was absolutely not....he was never abusive to me....he loved me!! I couldn't and didn't want to believe that thought at all. But after my friend said i think you should.... "google withdrawing affection". That night when i got home, I reluctantly googled it. The first thing I saw in my search in bold letters that caught my eye was.. "Tools of a Narcissist...." I spent that night on the computer and the next week almost every night reading about narcissist and narcissistic relationships. It was like reading books and articles about the last three years of my life. Even down to recognizing myself as a narcissist's supplier. It explained every faze of our relationship.......the nervous feeling I had in the pit of my stomach so often thru out our relationship, and the red flags I knew where red flags but refused to recognize them. I always felt that something just wasn't right, just kind of off. But I constantly told myself that I was being silly, I pushed all those feelings away!!! Everytime he did something nice or kind for me......I thought, WOW....he really does love me. It was like I had to constantly reassure myself of that on a regular basis for 3 years. I would make the BIGGEST deals out of anything nice he did for me.

    The hardest thing for me was coming to grips with the fact that he really never loved me. That all the love was coming from me, he may have cared, and I hope he did. but that was all he was truely capable of. It was devastating to except that at first...................I felt used, embarrassed, foolish and outright naive for not seeing any of this. The first time I ever realized the saying LOVE IS BLIND!

    My next week after I had researched and read till I couldn't take anymore, I began to feel ANGERY.....I not only was angry at him....I even made myself think about him and pick out any and all flaws I could about him. It wast that easy, because I had never thought of him this way. But anger toward him felt good!!......after feeling like I had when he left me.....crushed....lifeless.....and broken beyond repair. ANGER felt so much better......and I embraced it as much as I could.

    Now I am coming up on two months.....I can't believe I have gotten this far and if feels like six months. All of those strong feelings of pain, hopelessness, fear and anger, are still there. But they are easing more than I thought possible. I no longer feel that constant physical pain in my chest, I can actually go to work and get through a work day with out thinking about him, as long as Im busy. I still cry and still have bad days of course, and I still miss him terribly. But the truth is, I don't miss him, I miss who I thought he was. He truly is a figment of mine and his imagination. But I miss not having someone to go out with, or to lay on the couch and watch television, or go on weekend road trips to fun places. I feel so much stronger than I did when I was with him, especially the last year. I am definitely not where I was before him. When he came in my life, I was confident, had my dream career that I was very dedicated to, I lived comfortably, I had a savings account and a lot of friends. All of those things are gone now, I was at rock bottom when he left me!

    I am now focusing on picking myself back up, and I am doing little things for myself. I have never been good at taking care or papering myself. But I am trying to do these things to tell myself that I am worth it, and it does make me feel a little better. I have even taken up running and am training for a marathon in may. I am trying to set goals. My one fear now is running into him, or him attempting to contact me. I avoid going anywhere I think that could be possible. I am trying to get myself strong, and I know I am not there yet. I hope and think in my head that I could be strong, but there is a part of me that I know is not there yet. I know if I had any contact with him at all, that this process would have been impossible. the first month with out him in my life....every day felt like a decade, I counted every single day. It was like an alcoholic counting everyday they make it without a drink....it is my success, it is making me stronger!! If I could suggest anything to help you Drea, let yourself feel what you need to feel, talk till you are blue in the face to your friends and family, or anyone that will listen. I cried out of control that first month, I seriously had a women at a gas station turn around inline and touch my hand and say "im sorry honey, it will be ok" it was so sympathetic, like she knew exactly how I was feeling. Set a personal goal, anything that you have ever thought about doing or wanted to do. I know right now is hard enough just to breath and consume water, but try and think about something you can focus your attention on just for you. Congratulate yourself for each day you make it though, I know what each day away from your ex N feels like, I hated each day that passed that took me further from the relationship that I wanted back so badly, it was another day further from him. Now I celebrate them, Im on the other side of my former thinking process.

    I hope you get feeling better, I promise I know it feels like the impossible, because I was right there. I know it will take me several more months possibly a year to really get over him. But I can smile again and sometimes even laugh, and you will too. Take care of yourself.
  • mka2210@yahoo.com  - it sounds like me
    This is exactly how I felt. Except he would leave his ex girlfriend and comeback to me. He could not be alone. He was not abusive...but wwith held affection and sex. Would also tell me how women constantly found him attractive.

    We broke up over the phone when I went across country to care for my mother for the summer.

    I am devastated..again
  • Ang  - Can we talk
    Can we chat via email
  • lin  - it's pain
    Hi I dated Earl for over two years. The first months was haven he was great to me and we quickly fell in love. I moved in with him and his mom only two months after we started dating. One night.while out dancing he.thought I was flirting with an obviously gay Guy. He called me a dirty nasty s*-t then hurried to his car. I still stayed after that then I found out I was pregnant we agreed.we weren't ready for a child, but faith caused me to miss carry. He would punch walls and threaten me if I had plans with friends. He also played lots of poker and spent hundreds on lottery tickets. The worst is he sent 8000 to win in a raffel and won nothing. He also didn't touch me for 19 months no sex and before ending the relationship he kissed me a.year prior. He would.always pick on me and rough house and leave marks. I got really nasty and bitter not yo mention depressed. He stop calling texting or even smiling with me. Then he would sleep out and his phone would die. One day after I moved out I got really depressed stop taking my seizure meds had a huge seizure and went into a comma
    He stayed by my side and.after recovery told me he loved me like a sister. Then as I.was crying begging him to move back in because I was afraid to live alone he smiled and told me he didn't want to give me false hope I finnaly left but the.need for closer causes pain. He has mow d/d me. I hope and prayer for strength
    I hope we all make it.
  • lin  - typos
    Sorry writing on my phone. Did I mention he is 37 still at home with his mom pays no bills and wouldn't even take out the trash. According to everyone his last four relationships were like ours. Great passion then mommaz intimacy for over a year. He does know how to cook.and. is.all about his image that's why he drives.a range Rover and lives in moms basement. I can not believe I.stayed that long my self worth was low
    He also told me I was insecure and crazy. Who wouldn't be if their boyfriend doesn't touch them for over a year and will only do things if mommy is there. Then when I moved he.started.eating out every night. He told me once he eats.out with his sister because his family care.more than I do. So much drama with his family and he loved it. I finallyoved out of Mukilteo and bought my house.
  • SourPineapple  - There IS hope
    Though it may seem impossible at this point there IS hope for you.

    When you DO get better and look back on this, you will kick yourself for not giving the other men who are interested a chance.

    I am 34 years old. I have realized that I am still single and not married because I have wasted so much time dating narcissists, and ignored the nice, right men (never gave them a chance). I am the survivor of a narcissistic mother. I have JUST realized that I attract narcissistic men, and why.

    We have to ask ourselves WHY we are relying on our narcissistic boyfriends/spouses/lovers to "fill us up," validate us and make us feel good. We should be doing this for ourselves. Over time, it becomes some kind of sick, co-dependent relationship. Somehow, their presence and what we THINK is there love, validates us (maybe because they have stripped us completely away, and all we have is shells of ourselves left?!)

    Your situation is different because you have a child involved. Is your daughter his? As someone who has spent YEARS in therapy trying to get over my NPD mother, I beg you, if anything, be thankful that your daughter is spared from having to grow up with his influence.

    Believe me, I know, it SUCKS to know that your NPD never loved you. NPDs picked us because they see a void in us and know that they can exploit us. I have a feigned outward veneer of being caustic, sarcastic, and "bitchy," but I've finally learned that creepy, predatory men, which NPDs are -- can see right through this. This does not mean that you are flawed -- the right man would NEVER exploit you.

    Give yourself time, and when you do, you'll realize the following about your ex:

    He really isn't that interesting and fascinating; he's someone you would not have even wanted to be friends with; he was probably really selfish (if not BAD) in bed; he is a vapid parasite that sucked your soul who is a waste of space on this Earth; he will never be anything because he IS nothing.

    Don't you want someone who loves you, for you? Can you recall what it feels like to have a man laugh at your jokes, listen emphatically, REALLY care about how your day went, ask thoughtful questions, about YOU? Can you recall doing what YOU wanted to do for the night? Picking the restaurant? What Pandora station to listen to? What movie to watch? What bar to go? Bet you can't. Because that's what life with a narcissist does. It changes your paradigm of what normal is.

    You will notice it when you begin to hang around, and talk to NORMAL people.

    Get your paradigm of normal BACK. You are better than him. SO much better.
  • jeanniewhitwell  - I understand
    I feel horrible. My exN left me and my daughter in June after being together for 2 years. His discard was especially tumultous and cruel. He came back after ST for 2 months. Like a fool I allowed him. He discarded me again then tried to maintain contact by phone and text (he lives out of state) and then discarded me again. It has been almost 2 months no contact by him. I want to die. My spirit is dying. I know he sucks but I can't help how I feel. I try and take all the suggestions and get on with my life and try to find the joy. But I think about and miss him every day. I know he will never change and is poison for me but it's like the addict going back to the drug. Insanity. I am crushed and devastated beyonds. I have many men who are interested but I am so apathetic to anything that is not Scott. I am fucked. I feel in constant pain sometimes discomfort and sometimes raging raw nerve pain. Oh well.
  • drea  - No Contact....1 day at a time
    I have been no contact for 4 days now. I feel horrible but im trying. 1 day at a time. i feel so empty. i want to enjoy life again. i need support. any little sopport helps. :)
  • PAMELA
    This is all so sad. Ppl cannot give what they do NOT HAVE. How many selfishmen there really r out there its disgusting. No dignity. U can call it narcissism but I think they just Parasites leaches men who want Women to take care of them still wanting baby bottle deep down n the way they obtain THIS is by DEVALUING WOMEN.YEP. EVIL DUDES AUGHTA BUCK UP N BE THE MAN THEY WERE CREATED TO BE BUT THATS TOO MUCH WORK 4 THEM. If you are a whole contented woman you don't nneeed them for anything Hold out ladies you will meet a giver like u self one day. Don't give any man your Goodies That they NEVER STINKING EARNED. Had 2 Selfish inconsiderate EVIL MEN TAKE ME 4 A RIDE THEY CAN CALL THEM THIS N TITLE OR WHATEVER BUT THEY JUST LAZY SELFISH LEACHES NEED TO BE SENT TO A LABOR CAMP.
  • Anonymous
    Last night was the last time...after paying 120 pounds for tickets to the Royal Albert Hall, after me doing my hair and spending ages getting ready, after begging him on our way there to please just be happy and enjoy the evening and stop getting angry at the traffic and everything else, after asking him if he was looking forward to the show and just replying in his usual cold manner " Not really, no" etc. Once inside the theatre just because I needed the ladies and asked a steward Odyssey of taking his instructions ( being his first time at the venue) he just walked out, ofcourse I had to go after him being led all the way to the oposit side until he found the ladies and then I was able to go. Still when we found our seats, he had to bring it up again. I just wanted to enjoy the evening and responded by saying that I could have found my way to the ladies. He exploded in a rage stood over me and told me he was leaving and I could walk home if I wanted, he pushed a chair out of the way and stormed out. I was left seating there as usual numb and empty...the people seating infront of us wondering what had just happened. I tried to compose myself and went outside. He was on the ground floor. I asked him to take me home when I understood he had never intended to leave it was just another of his tantrums because according to him ( and as usual) I ignored him. I decided right there and then to end it. It has been a horrible night...at times I felt I should book myself into a hotel not knowning what to expect during the night as he is raging. Now there is no doubt in my mind he has some mental block or disorder. I guess I have to move on now. Whatever happens from here on. At least I won't be abused any more.
  • Shahinoor  - Reply to Maria
    Stop asking over and over and over again "Why he is doing this to you."
    For a change, ask yourself "Why you are doing this to yourself?!"
    Don't u want a man who can appreciate you fully??
    Commitment?
    Respect?
    Maturity?
    1st priority?
    You are the one who keeps allowing him to hurt you over and over in spite of knowing that he is actually capable of hurting u more than loving you itself!
    He is the one who needs help sorting his messed up life which he dragged you into.
    Get out of it! Don't be a part of it.
    Its that simple..
    Forget what you feel , and remember what you also deserve.
    Its not about him now, its about you.
    Start working on that and stop hurting yourself with him.
    Let him go. He is not meant for you. That's why you are suffering with him.
    It's not about strength. It's about understanding and learning your own worth.
    Protect your heart. Tc of yourself. Don't do it for him. Do it for you. x.
  • Nadine  - You obviously haven't been with a narcissist
    :angry-red: To be able to say that and to have that "just turn it off" attitude you quite obviously shouldn't be on this web site. We have enough family members and friends that can't possibly understand, we dont need it here thanks.
  • S
    I can relate to so many of these stories. My heart goes out for all of you. We deserve so much better.
  • Anonymous
    I am going through the same situation, married three years, husband left 3 weeks ago, No contact for exactly one week.

    I went through many highs and many lows, I thought I loved this person. I remember crying to him at times, him imitating me, mocking me. Crying and him calling me a "F**king c**t". Talk about mentally unstable.

    I would literally say to him "***, calm down" or "why are you even acting this way, and why are you doing this to me". I would get him to calm down at times, we would have a few good days. His anger would erupt if I would bring about something that has occurred in the past. A few times he was okay, but the day he left he lashed out, put pornography on in front of me, and laughed at me crying, among very horrible things he had said to me.


    These past 3 years, I enjoyed the good times we had together, but there were far worse ones. Each time I would discuss aspects of the relationships or anything that had occurred (with regards to having every right in the relationship to do so, and I never acted rudely talking with him) he would lash out.

    I feel this is NPD for the times I was left alone crying, him at friends over night, the head games, then the next day telling me how much he loves me, and me confronting him how normal the relationship wasn't. Back and forth, I can look back on that now and it makes me sick to my stomach. :angry:


    But I am in the same situation, it is only today and 1 day last week that I am feeling better. I feel I need help to, venting even to a parent doesn't quite stop the hurt.


    What has been helping me is reviewing articles I find online dealing with NPD (I feel my "ex" has this, among several other things, along with visions of grandeur, narcism, etc.)



    This has nothing to deal with us, I miss him.... I really do and it hurts when I did question "wow does he even love me, all this happened so fast".... just remember "this too shall pass". How happy will we be when whatever time it takes, weeks, months, years, when we can look back on these things and just see the individual as literally mentally ill and evil.

    I cannot wait to be in a relationship, or married 1 day with a person I WANT exactly to be with, high goals in life, caring, compassionate, trusting, and that overall "WOW" feeling.

    My ex has that "illusions of grandeur", if I would have approached him now I would literally say "sorry hun, I'm out of your league" :x

    Think of it that way. If you're religious, pray to God for strength and guidance. I feel kind of lost too but excited for the next doors to open in life.
  • marie  - dealing with a narcissist...
    amy,
    your story and encouragement provides inspiration for me. i am currently in a relationship with a narcissist, and it has only been for approx. 8 months...

    when i met him, it was around thanksgiving of last year 2011.. he was so respectful, extremely handsome with a good job and he grew up from the town next to me, i was even friends with his younger brothers. i thought that this was a dream come true and he was everything i was looking for but i have had two abusive relationships in the past and i was extremely hesistant to get involved with him. I constantly pushed him away but we remained friends and he was always taking me out, stopping by with food, wowing my friends. at the time i was bartending in philadelphia and was in a very healthy point in my life, right on track with school and had my own place and own car. after about a month of dating we went out to a local bar and a woman walked up and told him that she wanted to speak with him. i soon found out that it was his 'ex-girlfriend that was living in his house still trying to move out. he assured me that he ended things with her months ago and she just had no where to go... the morning after all of this she was in the hospital because she attempted to commit suicide after their three year relationship. i shouldve walked away then but i stayed because i thought that maybe he was jsut a nice guy and didnt want to put someone on the street.

    months went by and he went on a business trip, as i mentioned earlier i was in past horrible relationships and i was nervous about him leaving so i was a bit cold. i went on his facebook and caught him talking to some girl saying that he liked hookin gup with her (before we met) and how they should meet up again. i was devastated. as he was typing these things to her he was posting pictures of a vacation he wanted to take me on simultaneously. i ended the relationship but gave him a second chance....

    after he then treid to work things out i found his ex texting him after he asked me to set up his new work phone.. we got in a huge fight which escalated into a one month shit show and i finally talked to her on the phone when she confessed she had been seeing him the whole time everytime we got into an arguement. (mind you he has still been doing the same thing to her... and has been doing this to her for three years) i was devasted i spent lots of times with my friends but as we all know i went back for more. he promised counseling and we went and he promised we would be better he even told me to move in so that i could concetrate on school and not on working so much. i told him that in order for me to move in he woul dhave to talk with my parents because they were traditional and my parents said they didnt want that to happen until i was married or at least engaged. he told them that he did want to marry me and all of my family opened him with open arms. against my parents wishes i moved in anyway because i figured he would get the ring as he promised.

    after about a month of bickering because he did not get it yet i noticed scratches on the back of him neck. he assured me it was poison ivy but when i took a closer look it was nail indentation. i screamed and yelled and finally he told me he had oral sex with a strange woman he met a 'couple times' at a corner bar while with friends. i was devastated, and humiliated but luckily the realtor that was going to show my townhouse didnt do so yet so i moved back in.

    i entered a severe depression that i am still currently in... he started sending me pictures of the ring we looked at together and i was so weak and wounded i let him pick my up from my friends house and we went to a shore house for a long weekend where he attemepted to get me pregnant. when i got home to reality on monday i realized what a huge mistake i was making but knew i couldnt pay for my living without him with a baby so i crossed my fingers and we have been seeing each other but luckily i am not pregnant. but he didnt buy the ring... im scared of what will happen if i leave him ive seen him get a little violent here and there and last weekend i had bruises all over my body from him being so rough with me. since he spent the money on the ring i know he will be infuriated if i dont wish to talk to him anymore. i know that i have to leave and start the 'no contact' rule but i feel so weak. i know that i am a very attractive (ive done modeling) very smart im nearing the end of my bachelors in biology and getting ready to start applying to med schools, i come from a good family and im a very good friend and christian. i dont understand why i cant get away from him or that all of my relationships end up failing. i promised i would stay away from losers thats why when i met him i thought it would be different but i just ended up in the same position as before. i know what i need to do. i guess i am just writing this to let other women in my situation know that they are not alone. there are other people out there like you and there are other women that have been in our position that have gotten out to lead perfectly normal and happy lives after being taken advantage of and abused by a narcissist... do whatever it takes to protect yourself and never lower your standard of integrity............... thanks for reading
  • marie
    sorry for the typos.... he "DID" buy the ring and im scared of what will happened if i reject him now that he has invested a lot of money....
  • amy  - narcissist/BPD
    I had the great displeasure of five wasted years of my precious life with a double-whammy, the narcissist with borderline personality disorder. Bottom line, he encouraged me to claw my way up this huge hill every other day. When I'd get to the top, he'd push me back down and laugh as I was falling. Not literally, of course, but that's what it felt like. I'm sure you can all relate.

    The damage it does to have someone lift you up into the clouds with their ability to say all the right things, make you feel like you're experiencing this wonderful euphoric love that most people don't get to experience in their lifetime, and then the rug gets pulled out from under that feeling in the flash of an instant with some form of abusive behavior, it is monumental damage to your spirit. Mine couldn't go for more than three days without doing something to turn my world upside-down.

    I hate hindsight. I'm more angry at myself for being so stupid than I am at him. We have the same birthday, and I hate my birthday now. But that won't always be the case. Time does heal all wounds as long as you let it.

    I couldn't even begin to go into the details of all that he did because for that it would result in a novel. Suffice to say, he cheated with at least five women that I'm aware of. I have a difficult time characterizing it as cheating because he had full-blown relationships with other women as well as me at the same time. It wasn't just sex. It was manipulation, using, toying with them just as much as he was toying with me. We had a remarkable intimate life, as I'm sure you all did with yours. Why? That's the biggest part of their game, their charm and charisma. But if you're honest with yourself, you'll realize just how selfish they were. How attentive were they towards you intimately?

    He choked me, slammed my head into the floor, punched me in the face and broke my nose; each occasion simply because I'd caught him lying. Nothing was worse to him than to be caught in a lie. I lost the home I owned because of him, and he rendered myself and my son homeless on two additional occasions. He stole money from my family. His selfish behavior caused one of my dogs to die. I can think of at least five things off the top of my head that I could have and should have had him arrested for.

    Before I met him, I put up with crap from no one. I was strong, stubborn, and extremely hard-working and driven and disciplined. But I'm also very sensitive towards those that I love and would do anything for someone that I love, the Cancer the Crab curse. Now I'm afraid of my own shadow. Panic attacks, depression, no zest for life. People that have known me all my life have said they don't even know who I am anymore.

    The hardest thing for me to accept is that I always believed before I met him that there's good in everyone, that no one is too far gone or a lost cause. Ironically, this belief I had was kept alive by him almost all the way till the end. When someone keeps asking you to please not give up on them, that they know they are incredibly screwed up and you are the only person that has ever made them want to change, that's how they keep you engaged. Meanwhile, all they're doing is helping you along in losing your mind and all common sense and self-esteem in the process. He went to therapy and manipulated the therapists. I am convinced that he even had sex with one of his therapists.

    He will not win. I will do whatever I have to do, take whatever time it will take, nurture myself, and learn to love myself the way I used to. I still have my moments where I hate him, but more often than not now I feel sorry for the hell that he lives in. I don't live in that hell any longer as long as I don't allow him to be part of my life.

    You see, I did not routinely watch my father beat up my mother as a child. I did not have a mother that was drug addicted. I was not told by my parents that it's not okay to feel emotion or cry or get help if I need it. I was not forced to forego college because my dad was an alcoholic and I had to stay behind to care for my younger siblings because my mom took off. I did not have a longstanding cocaine addiction. I am not responsible for someone else losing their life because I was driving recklessly. That's his background. Not mine. I'm the one that can recover from this and be whole again. He'll never be whole. He'll never feel joy. He'll never love himself. He'll never respect himself. He hates himself. They all do. So what point is there for us to hate them, also?

    He did not rob me of my ability to be compassionate and understanding toward another. He taught me that you have to be these things from afar with someone like this and have no contact. You cannot emotionally involve yourself with these people in any way. You cannot be their friend. They do not have the characteristics that anyone would look for in a friend. They don't have any true friends. You know this.

    He taught me that he is too toxic for me to have him in my life in any way, under any circumstances. He taught me that I can forgive him, but that does not mean I can have anything to do with him again. He did not take my ability to trust people. He made me appreciate and never take for granted people that do truly care about me and love me.

    I'm not kidding myself about how long it will take to have a life resembling the one I had before I was incredibly abused by him, an even better life than I had before. What he did to me will make me a better person than I've ever been. I have strength within me that I never knew existed.

    I did not fall in love with him. I fell in love with an imposter, and so did all of you. They create a persona that reflects what they know you're looking for once they get to know you. There comes a point in time when you realize this; that you don't have all the things in common they tried to convince you that you do, that you're not similar in the ways they claim you are, and that what you want from life doesn't remotely resemble what they're after. It's all very disillusioning, but none of us are stupid. They are simply masters at what they do. There's no reason for any of us to feel stupid. They've had lots of practice with lots of different people over their lifetime and have learned what works and what doesn't. To them, everything is a game.

    Things canot be erased, but the memories will fade in time. The pain will fade in time. The disillusion will fade in time. Feeling stupid will go away completely because you will meet someone when you're ready that will help you to mend the damage that was done to your heart. You can love. The narcissist cannot. You can feel other people's pain. The narcissist cannot. And there is no cure for this. You can't fix them. No one can.

    Understand that even the good memories, to a degree, are meaningless because everything you had with them was based on lies and deception. The clouds you walked on did not exist. It just made it easier for him to play his game because it distracted you from what he was doing behind your back.

    I won't forget the way he made me laugh. I won't forget how smart he is, too smart for his own good. I won't forget the good in him that was lurking underneath all the mess and evil. He was not born this way. He's a product of his environment, as we all are. It was a horrid environment, but you cannot take responsibility for that. That's on his parents and ultimately up to him in the end because we all choose the path we decide to go down once we've become adults.

    Know that you're not alone in this. Don't be embarrassed and jaded by what they did to you. Narcissists and sociopaths walk amongst us. Accept responsibility that you allowed it all to happen and figure out why so that it never happens to you again. Take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, nuture yourself, do all the things you know you're capable of that they are not. The best revenge is your own happiness, something they are incapable of feeling themselves. We will all be okay again. They'll never be okay. If you need to seek professional help, then by all means do so. It doesn't mean that you are weak. You were horribly abused. Sometimes you can't get through this alone, and that's okay.
  • Danielle  - it is the whole process over again.
    This was amazing, so amazing because every thing that you wrote touched ne so deeply, I started to cry because I want and need every encouraging thing you said to be true and to happen.
    I am also very sorry for your experiences because mine were similar...well I mean obviously because of my ex being a narcissist, but to the extreme of having my ex physically and sexually abuse me for 3 years all the while making me feel like if I had just done what he wanted he wouldnt have hadto resort to choking me or punching me Iin the stomach or freaking all but raping me. My god this is hard to even type.
    But the saddest thing besides having all that done to me and me loving him because of those rare rare moments when he made me feel loved and cherished, is the fact it has been 5 months since I broke it off with him and right off the bat he started dating someone else and how I actually tricked myself into thinking that I was fine and that I was actually happy for him and his new girlfriend and I just accidentally stumbled onto one of these websites and just now fu**ing figured out he is a narcissist. Wheb everything matched up...all the red flags every single one and I never knew and now its just like 5 months ago. I have to pick up the pieces again, all the while knowing this time around he never loved me in the first place.
    I didnt even mean to type all that it kind of came spilling out but I now realize that something like this needs some attention. Whether from friends or a therapist because this type of thing should never be dealt with alone.
  • danniella  - help me
    hello i hope you can help me, it has been one month since i have left my parter we has going to get married this year but i could not go alog with it, he abused me everyday with nasty comments calling me all sorts of things im only 20 and i met him when i was 16 and we have was dating for 2 years and then i moved in with him that was when it all started me would always think i was with some other man when i was meeting up with my girlfriend and call he a whore he is egiptian and he likes me to be in the house all the time at first it was fine for me but aventuly he contoled everything i did, i would not be able to see my friend because they were aparently slags and no good foe me that they would brain wash me, he would like me to cook 7 times a day because he is a bauncer in a night club so he needed to eat alot to train, but i am not very good at cooking if i did not do everything he told me to do he would beat me but this lasded hours a day, i would feel so tierd and i did not no why he was doing all of this to me, he would say to me its so i would lern how to respect him and do whatever he tells me to do, then it just got worse he useto take me to a forest and strangle me and when i would wake up i would me punching me in the stomak me would repetedly say to me why do u make me do this why dont you just make it easier and respect me i never did anything wrong to him, i always did whatever he would like but it was never enuf for him when he useto tell me the things i did wrong it all sounded so correct that i was wrong and i did deserve everything he would do to me, but i was always unhappy i have no self esteam and i feld like he did love me he was just making me lern and it was his way of showing me, he would always say if i dont change he would go with another gierl i loved him so much and i still do and i cannot stang the tort that someone elce is with him, he tryed to change me into muslim i am christian i did not miend to change because i loved him and i would do anything to make him happy and if i arged with him or evan say something that was not what he wanted to head he would go crazy so i did everything for him, he made me read the coran and said to me that i could not see my family anymore because they would not be ok with it, i left eveyone my family are eveything to me they did not want he to be with him because they sore me with brooses all around my boby i just said i was doing kickboxing and i had a black eye,they did not belive me i am not good at lying, and they new i was unhappy but the thing is he just useto kiss me and say sorry that he does not no what happends when he gets angry and he cannot stop, i wanted to help him i thorti could but i would happen always but i could not go i loved him and i thort one day he would be the way he useto be we useto laf to mutch hours a day but things changed, but i did not want to leve him he was had bad relationships and they have left him and hert him and i did not want to be one of them but one day i just could not do it any more veryone was saying to me whats wrong with me i am not the same bubbly person that make everyone happy, the day i felt him was when he was at work one night and i junped over a wall in the garden to get out on the street,he useto lock me in the house,but i got out and i got a taxi to my mums house and he was ringing the house fone and no one was picking up so i supose he new that i runaway i herd his car when i was arriving at my mums house my mum was wating for me because i rang her from a pay phone i did not have my own phone he did not want me to have on, and he was crying sayin come back that he loved me and lets try and sort something out i realy just wanted to go back home with him but i new he would kill me one day, and i never went back to him,he would write to me over email and say he loved me me missed me that the hause still smelled of me, and he missed holding me in bed at night i missed him so much i just wanted to hold him and say eveything was ok and that things would change and never do the things he did but i now he cannot change, he massaged me all the time i was not replying my family was hellping me soo mutch, then we was sending me messages that he was going to kill himself and the things he said was horrible so i rang him but my family stoped me to go and see him, they said he is playing with my head. they got me a flight out of spain that is where i was and i moved to nigeria with my dad but i miss him always and always think of him i do not feel the pain he corsed me i only feel that i need him i just miss him so mutch but i no he is not good for me, my family want me to go to the police back at home because the police all no him and they said to my sister that all he needs is one person to come and tell thers story but i dont wnat go hert him, i dont want to be the person that puts him in prison, i dont want him to be in pain, he would make himself be sick when i was with him so i would lookafert him and he would say it was my folt he was ill and it was my folt he did not eat, i need some help to get him out of my head i no he is no good for me but i miss him
  • ange  - Soldiering On...
    This is a long story but i will try to make it as short as i can.
    I was in a relationship with a guy named Steve. he was always very "highly sexed" and got me into the swinging scene ( which i didn't really enjoy but went along because i adored him) Even with swinging and myself, he still needed more and had the occasional single woman. 2 of which were regular. As time went by i noticed a change in him. he had just started a new job and it was a Fri night and he said "i'm sick of everything, and i'm leaving my mobile at home. i wont be home tonight, my boss has asked me to stay at hi house because i'll be drinking and wont be capable of driving" Steven had been invited to a work break up party and the boss was shouting everything. Steven HATES the taste of alcohol and wouldn't drink it if you payed him, yet he was going to drink of all things, cocktails at this party.... Anyways, i saw his behavior as being extremely strange ( for steve) so i went to his house late at night and let myself in with the spare key. I was aloud to use the spare key as he was mine so it wasn't as though i was doing a bad thing. I really did think he'd come home around 12 or 1 am but he didn't. His mobile phone was sitting right there on his bedside table which was really strange. I went and sat in the lounge and thought about a new woman that he had mentioned recently to me and said that i should meet her and that her and i would get along really well. And i found that rather weird as he had never wanted me to even see his other "sex friends" but this one, he wanted me to meet.... Anyway, something came across me and i went and picked up his phone. it was a new phone and i wasn't sure how to use it. But i didn't do to bad after all. I managed to get into messages and i knew her name was Gayle. So i put my finger on her name and all the texs came up. They dater back to June 4. It was npw 2 days before Christmas. He had told me days ago that he has slept with her once and had coffee with her once. while scrolling through the texs, i couldn't believe my eyes. And even his hairdresser that he sees after hours, instead of being the man who he said it was, it was a woman who was giving him free hair cuts and colors and he was sleeping with her afterwards. He swore to me that the hairdresser was a man. Anyway, i pressed again on gayle's name and her phone began to ring. She answered quite quickly and said "hi, what are you doing ringing this late?" " I sobbed and cried on the other end of the phone and said, i'm angie, i've heard of you, please tell me how long you have been seeing steven for? " she was reluctant to tell me until i told her that i'd been through her tex messages that dated back to June. so many things have happened since then, including him wanting gayle and i to be in a polygamy relationship with him. he said us girls could be best of friends, go to the gym together, shopping etc, and we could both be with him. he said that he'd like 3 ways in bed but sometimes he'd enjoy just one on one times. Time has gone on and lies have happened ( alot of them) but he seemed to have her fooled. ( probably because it was a new relationship for her but an almost 5 year one for me) I knew what he was like but i didn't think he was this bad. he ended up slipping up and telling m that he'd been over and over the recordings of our conversations on his mobile phone and i asked him why he'd been recording me and he wouldn't respond. This time he wasn't quick enough. He started calling me names like dip shit and dumbass. I ased him if gayle knew of this recording, he swore twice NO, so i texd Gayle quickly and she claimed that she knew all about it. I told him that i had just texd her and she said she knew, he was silent again. I asked him why he keeps lying to me, still no reply. he just kept saying that he wants to go to sleep, that he is tired etc. I have no walked away from the relationship and i will never go back. it seems to me that he had used me until someone better came along.Or should i say, someone new and more nieve.... someone who will fall for his lies and do anything for him because they are still in the honeymoon phase. What happens when they come out of that has nothing to do with me and it wont. If any of them try to contact me at all, i wont be responding ( as though i have a new number) I have had both their home and mobile Numbers blocked from my home phone so they can't get in touch with me that way. This is something that gayle needs to learn on her own, just like i did. And who knows, maybe it might work for them, but i doubt it. he targets on women who are vulnerable and have low self esteem. Like i did in the beginning. She has close friends who will be there for her to help her cope. WEther she stays with him or not, she is still gonna need support of some description. But as i said before, that isn't my problem. I have walked right away and i will never return. Thanks for taking the time to read my story. i did skip alot but i am sure that Steven is a narc. he used to always put me down and mw and the kids always did the housework and gardening and mowing. he never did anything. Hope this has helped someone out there. Warning ! Don't get trapped by a narc. It's mind blowing! Literally....
  • meme  - my heart is crushed
    I feel your pain. I was with ex 3 years. 7 breakups. Going btween 2 exes after each breakup and few random girls. It has been 3 months of agony. My heart literally hurts. My eyes r weak from crying. She hasn't called one time except her favorite crazy making private calls from time to time where she just listens. I only can contact her through facebook tried once 1st month. No response. Sometimes I don't answer once last month I cried for her to come back which was only time she hung up first. Satisfied I'm n hell I guess. Last time I told her I was cheating and stop calling just to try to get torment to stop until I can change number. Christmas in 2 days. My poor kids. They have to cheer me up all the time. I love them sooo much but still feel sOooooo sad. Sometimes I wana jus stab myself up. Bracing for her to call nonchalantly at anytime and start cycle of torment again. I can't eat. Barely sleep. I'm jus goin through motions. She cooked cleaned but was a liar and very verbally abusive. Help me pleaseeeee. I feel like I will never b ok again
  • kim  - Reply to Maria
    Hi Maria
    When I read your story I felt as if I was reading my own! My ex-boyfriend of 15 years was exactly the same way! He would say he was coming home and not show up or say he would give me money to help but never did! I cought him in so many lies and would confront him only to have him get angry and say i was insecure! Unlike you I had two children with this man. Through the years he would give me glimpses of the love that I wanted I always suspected cheating but had no proof, just a nagging feeling and a voice inside me! He had, and still does have an answer for everything!
    Often I would by self help books about "Saving your relationship" or "Loving you commitment phobe" I gave him everthing I had!
    Two years ago when I was at my very worst, 120lbs over weight,sad, stuck in the house with two kids he informed me that he was leaving to be with a women who reminded him of an ex who he "He loved like he had never loved anyone before"
    Needless to say that I was devastated!! But it got easier and easier. There are days that are better than others and he still shows up when he needs something! But it dose get easier. The hardest part for me is really knowing the he will NEVER change! That too is getting easier!
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