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Boyfriend was Living a Double Life - How to Recover from the Pain  E-mail

 

Hi Maria,

I was reading your website, thank you very much, it has help me to understand a lot. I wanted some advice on how to erase from my mind the person who cheated on me and how I could make him feel pain. I found out about 3 months ago that he was cheating on me with his ex (who never was his ex after all).

I took him back after that, but last week I found out he was basically living two different lives. He would see her once a week. So she said when I contacted her. We texted for two days and came to the conclusion that the same romantic things that he would say to me he also would say to her. Every time we broke up he would go and sleep with her. I found out that the ring he gave me long time ago they had bought it together but he gave it to me. Many things made sense after I texted with her. When I threw him out of my home he was texting her to get back with her and lying to her saying he needed God (she is Christian, but he hates all that have to do with God).

I realized he is a person who tries to get you by using your weaknesses. I guess she didn't talk to her for few days and so he emailed me "I am sorry" letter and in it he still said they were just friends! He was planning spending New Year Eve with her but also with me. He told her he was going to propose her and said the same thing to me. When I found this out (I also found out many other things) I realized he lied to both of us a lot. I think he lives in a fantasy world. I also thing he is sick, but I don't know if he is a narcissist.

I am not going back to him, I am not crazy. I want to move on but it is very hard. After his email I took him back and told him all that I knew (he thinks I didn't know or wanted to believe I didn't know). What is the best way to make him feel pain? That is all I want! Or does he even feel pain? The other woman said she wasn't going to take him back but I don't think she is as strong as I am. And if she does take him back I am sure he will betray and cheat her again like he did to me.

Do you think this man is a narcissist?

Thank you very much! I hope to hear from you soon.

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Maria's Reply:

Boyfriend Was Living a Double Life - How to Recover from the Pain

 

Dear Friend,

Thank you for sending your story. I understand completely how horrible you feel after experiencing such betrayal. It is not possible to know if your boyfriend is a narcissist without knowing him in person, but it seems that he does have some serious issues. He is clearly a very dishonest person and that alone is a major problem if you are considering a serious relationship with a person. I wish it will ease your pain a little bit when you realize how good it is that you did not marry this man and start a family with him. If you did that and then found out he is a cheater and a liar, your pain would be even stronger than it is now. If you had children with this man, you would be tied to him for life, one way or another. Now you are free to leave him behind and find your happiness with someone who is worthy of your trust and your love.

I understand that you feel you want to revenge your boyfriend after he betrayed your trust is such a horrible way. There is absolutely no excuse for what he did and it is very natural reaction to want to revenge. But before you do that, please think about the following points. If you revenge him, you are showing him that he still has a strong emotional power over you because you are ready to go along with the revenge. Another thing that you need to think about is how you feel after many years when you look back at this time. Do you think you would feel bad because you chose to revenge and cause him strong pain? I am sure that when you think about these things after several years, the knowledge that you did revenge him does not make any difference for you. You do not feel better after several years if you revenge now. Most likely you are not even thinking about this man after several years, and if you sometimes think of him, he is such an indifferent character to you that it does not make difference whether you revenged him or not.

You also need to be aware that if you do revenge him, you might feel momentarily better and that better feeling might last for a short while, but in a long run revenge does not take away your pain. You feel hurt because the person who you loved has betrayed your trust. Those loving feelings are still in you under all the pain you feel. It will not do you good as a person if you channel your energy to revenge instead of to recovery. You need to go through the same recovery process regardless of whether you choose to revenge him or not.

Dear Friend, right now you need all your energy for healing. Do not let your ex boyfriend suck you into a cycle of negative feelings and revenge. Your goal is to get over your pain, to forget negative feelings and to heal yourself. If you are preoccupying yourself with thoughts of revenge, your recovery will take much longer. I strongly recommend that you concentrate on your healing instead of sacrificing any more energy to your ex boyfriend. He has already taken enough of your energy and your happiness. Do not let him drag you back into his world of negativity and dishonestly.

Dear Friend, it will take some time for you to recover after experiencing such betrayal, but trust me: Eventually you WILL get over this. The most important thing for your recovery is not to have any kind of contact with your ex boyfriend. If you are in contact with him, you are constantly reminded of the betrayal and you are unable to move on. The best thing you can do to help yourself to recover is to cut all contact with your ex boyfriend.

Remember that you are not alone. Many people have experienced the same pain you are now going through. It helps to remember that many people have survived such pain before you and regained their happiness. The same thing will happen to you! The day will come when you will be so happy that you did not marry and have a family with someone who can be this dishonest and totally unworthy of your trust and your love.

Warm hug,

Maria

 

It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.

____

 

If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (10)
  • Producer Lisa  - TV Show Interview
    Hi Sarah,

    I'm so sorry that happened to you.

    At my show we will have relationship experts and counselors to give you advice for moving forward.

    Do you think your boyfriend and the other female would be interested in coming on our show? It won't air on tv but will only be used for internal purposes and we will pay for all expenses.

    Please let me know by writing me at producerlisaa@gmail.com

    thank you,
    Lisa
  • Sarah  - Not again
    I also just found out my boyfriend of two years was living a double life. He was living with a girl for six months and dating me at the same time. The other woman was duped as well and found my number in his phone and called me about it. I feel so stupid and angry that he did this. I saw some red flags in our relationship, but never thought he would cheat. How do I deal with the pain?
  • Marie  - So confused
    Hi, I would just like some advice how to handle and go about a situation.
    I'm currently dating this guy, that I've been with for two years. We are in love with each other ( so I think) we always have fun together he brings me everywhere. We both work opposite schedules. When he's off we always hang out. I always make time for him no matter what. As, I was recently searching ( we met online) I noticed he had a dating profile up. I've never said anything that him yet. As I'm in love and we do everything together when he's off. He tells me he's in love with me and when we are together he doesn't keep his hands off. I'm not sure how to go about this type of situation. My relationship right now is actually really good however like I said he has a profile up. Plans stuff for the future with me. Is he sick and trying to live a double life? So confused and honestly don't know how to go about it. Any advice would be great!
  • Kk
    For the last year I have been seeing a guy who had a great job, seemed really into me, bought me all kinda if things from shoes to things for my house. When I met him, he told me he was divorced. Well, his behavior became very strange. His cell phone never left his side, and he was in it all the time. When I would ask him, he would tell m he was buying things for our future. Every couple of weeks he would get very emotional and tell me I do not know how to love. He would pick a fight and tell me what a terrible person I was. I had no idea what I did wrong and would feel terrible for days. After about 5 months, he moved in with me, and things got worse. He was drinking a lot, if we went out do drinks he would pick fights with other people, and I even found needles aroun my house. He told me they were for diabetes. I was extremely reluctant about all if this. After a huge arguement and telling me what a terrible loveless person I was he packed his things up and sai he was moving in with his brother. He asked me a few days later to go to counseling to work on us, so we did for 5 sessions.
    Come to find out he had been living a seperate life with another woman for over a year. Not was he divorced from his wife. He had been able to manipulate and lie to all of us for quite some time. He would tell me he was working double shifts and spend all his time with the second (or third)girl. She showed up on my doorstep not to long ago with all kinds of crazy pics of the stuff they were doing together. I wanted to die. We discovered he promised us both the same engagement ring, told us the same stories about wanting to have kids with us, and had the same exact pillow talk. This was nuts!
    When I called him, he told me she was a psycho, and crazy and had been stalking him for the last month but she had stuff from the last year. He asked if we were through and I clearly said yes, so he just dumped me like old trash and went chasing after her. I'm sure she is going to take him back. She has three kids if her own and he has been playing daddy to them. Sad part is he has three kids from yet another relationship that he barely sees and does not pay support.
    I'm hurt because he went chasing after her and just tossed me aside, but how could I take him back??? He would never have an honest answer for anything. She can have him and his lies. It's going to take a while to heal from this, I'm certain there are more women too because I have been getting mail at my house for someone else.
  • Adele  - I know how you feel
    I have a story to tell. I was so in love with this guy for 2 years and 3 months. I am a third year student and had this relationship for the last 2 years of my life. He was the first man for me and even though he knew that, he couldn' t help himself from having another 1 and a half relationship. His parents have a business in a small city,so he always went there to help them. I was all alone during weekends,holidays and other events. I knew only two or three friends and his brother and his girlfriend. The saddest thing is that i' ve spent the new year' s eve with a bunch of couple friends and he told me that he was having some health problems, well one month ago after we broke up from a strange reason,i was searching on facebook and I discovered a photo of him and a girl. They have spent a 5 days holiday during winter break, including new year' s eve when he told me he has health problems. I added her on my facebook account and i've Faced her,such a naive girl,she didn' t believe me,saying he would never lie to her. Such was the dissapointment that i' ve called him with all my body trembling, at 3 a.m in the morning. He said to me she was her cousin and i have mental problems to believe such atrocity. Well...i hate him as much as I miss him and every place i've been with him,makes me remember. I believe he never really loved me,he didn' t call back, not a single time to say i' m sorry or for trying to explain to me...and I feel so humilated that I gave so much to him and received only lies in return.
  • leilanni  - know ur worth
    I was dating a Guy for five years since 2009. Till I found out july 2011from his mother that he was living a double life going on trips with this woman when he told me he was going with his Guy friends. When I approached him about the situation he told me that they were friends an she was helping him finnancially and that he didn't love her they were friends. I was completely devastated. I contacted the woman and she said that they did everything together which of course he denied. He eventually left her alone ..Last year he moved to California for six months...the whole time he was away he contacted me begging me for forgiveness. So I eventually I told him to come back and we ended up living together. In the beginning when he first came back everything was perfect. But I knew deep down inside I was still hurt and had a hard time trusting him so we began to argue a lot which led to me ending the relationship.. walking away is the best thing to do when u find out..I look back now and realized five years passed me by.. learn from it and move forward its not worth years of.you're life waisted with the wrong person. Life is too short live you're life and surround youredelf with positive people..best of luck to you.
  • trezure2  - Sounds Familiar
    This sounds familiar. I was with a guy in a long distance relationship and it turns out he has been engaged and still coming out to see me. So gross. I emailed her and I know she doesn't have any strength to leave him but I do and that's what I did.
  • Dt
    The other woman don't usually leave the pricks. I find the older the woman the more they are willing to accept men like. I think women with low self worth and self esteem will always hold on to guys like these. This in a way causes men to think it's ok to treat other women like this. In my experience, I got mad that the other woman still kept him after finding out he was dating me and her at the same time for over 3 years. Then I realized that if he treated me this bad he will continue manipulating and lying to her as well. I am just glad I am not in her place and have e bought brains to walk away. I know it took me a while but I am in a better place. :-) keep your head up, don't give the guy and the woman am upper hand. You are better off and will find someone who will treat you with respect and all the love in the world.
  • Ginni  - Narcissist man
    I have had experience of being with a narcissistic boyfriend. He was leading a double life. Never available to see me on specific weekdays and never weekends. Obvious to most but not to me. Also devious and cool, aloof and made me feel crazy if I asked him any questions about his life. In the end I had enough of never being able to be open about anything, and being alone all holidays, new year, christmas, you name it.

    I found out eventually that he had a partner whom he was living with part time, and another part time lover he saw Friday to Sunday. Only a fool would put up with it. You never ever win. Walk away and forget these men, only seek genuine men and look out for warning signs. We all learn. Take care
  • shannon  - noo!
    well they will do it agian and i bet the other women is just as smart and is gonna leave him she should and let him live miserable bc he was playing both of them.. and they should all get tested regardless for saftey reasons.. but that guy is a prick i was in something of a similar realtionship i started notcing sign he called me wifey and boo .. call it a premotion but i seen it comeing i was just blinded by the love or lack of.. that love is sick he cant have his cake and eat it at the same time both of u should girl should sonfront him and sit down and talk there could even be more girls hes doing this to .. you need to expose him for what he did and make him fell the pain your heart felt when it crushed .. but it might be hard bc hes heartless probably and you need to just take time to think about u and figure it all out.. whatever it is you need to do for yourself take a walk find a work out partner and get sexy and wait for mr perfect to find u with out sex! thats what i am takeing from it
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