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How to Get Emotionally Over Someone One Loves  E-mail


Hi Maria,

I wanted to tell you of a situation that I am in that is literally making me miserable. I joined a gym several months ago and started training with this woman. We bonded straight away as we have similar backgrounds. She was abused as child and I had an alcoholic father so we had a deep connection. I was having marriage difficulties and so I felt comfortable in talking to her about it.

I have never been attracted to a women before but I found myself falling for her. After one session she sent me a text saying how she thought I was an amazing human being and I reciprocated by telling her I was attracted to her. She loved this but had a girlfriend overseas and continued to text me whenever we were training.

I started to find it all emotionally too much so I told her I was going to stop training. Instead of letting me go she insisted that we could both get so much out of the situation and kept pursuing me. I started to get annoyed when we would meet for coffee then she would cancel, this kept happening and also she would cancel gym sessions at the last minute.

She could have quite bad mood swings and sometimes I would turn up at the gym and she would wrap her arms round me and say she'd always care about me then the next night she would train me but not even look me in the eye and just be really distant with me.
She was also a bit deceitful with money and I would question that I hadn't have all my training sessions. She didn't like this and was quite defensive and again would withhold affection.

Her girlfriend came over for a week and she dropped me like a hot brick. I told her I was confused because how could she send me flirty emails if she loved her girlfriend? She went mad at me and said none of this was her responsibility and that she wasn't taking any blame for my feelings... So then I apologized as I didn't want to lose her.... And all was ok again. As long as I was in the wrong all the time she thought I was great.

When she was training me she would also look at herself in the mirror all the time. She took part in body sculpting competitions and so was obsessed with her body and getting compliments about her body and how she was as a trainer.

I have been away for two weeks and have found out she is now training my husband. I couldn't believe it as I told her the difficulties in our marriage so I also feel it is a betrayal of trust. This woman has crossed boundaries. Is she a narcissist? Should I still be friends with her?

I told her I am in love with her but she didn't even respond to that.



The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.


Maria's Reply:

How to Get Emotionally Over Someone One Loves


Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. I understand how hurt you are currently feeling. It is clear based on your letter that your feelings towards this woman were strong and most likely still are. We do not choose to fall in love, it often happens unexpectedly, and sometimes with very unexpected people. Please do not blame yourself for falling in love with this woman. What matters is what you do now when it has started to seem clear that she does not share the depth of your feelings.

You also need to consider what is the right thing to do regarding the fate of your marriage. You are not mentioning about the nature of the problems in your marriage, but I assume the problems are serious since you chose to tell this woman about your feelings towards her even though you are married. Based on this it seems you are not currently very happy in your marriage.

Dear Friend, you have developed strong emotions towards this woman, however based on everything you tell about her it seems her emotions towards you are not as deep as your emotions towards her. If she felt towards you as deeply as you feel towards her, she would most likely not behave the way she has been behaving. You said she can be nice one day but may act completely differently the second day. You also said she has been sending you flirty messages even though she has a girlfriend abroad and when her girlfriend came to visit her, she ignored you during that whole time. All these facts suggest that she is not in love with you. Furthermore, they suggest she is not a very trustworthy person. Her behavior with other women does not seem to be very respectful towards her girlfriend.

Now this woman has started to train your husband. I can understand you feel as if she has betrayed you. You told her confidentially things about your relationship and you also told her you have developed feelings towards her. She must know it is painful for you that she is now training your husband. On the other hand, if she works at the gym as a trainer, it can be that it is not easy for her to refuse to train someone if she is being asked. Did your husband go to her and asked to be trained? If that is the case and she works as a trainer, it might have appeared to be quite strange if she refused.

You asked if you should still be friends with her. This depends on what your goal is. If you feel you are still strongly in love with her and that deep in your mind you are wishing that she will start to feel the same way about you, perhaps it would be best to distance yourself from her, at list for some time. It seems clear that she is not as interested in you as you are of her, and I do not wish you to have false hopes that will lead to disappointments in the future.Furthermore, this woman does not seem to be a very pleasant person in general. She is canceling appointments on the last minute and you are not sure if she is being honest regarding the money. These are serious issues and you need to consider do you really wish to be friends with this kind of a person if you were not emotionally attached to her.

The best thing for you to do right now is to concentrate on finding out what you truly wish to do with your relationship with your husband. You said you told this woman you love her. This means your feelings towards your husband are most likely currently not very strong. If this is true, you need to ask yourself what are the reasons you are together with your husband, and do you feel those reasons are valuable enough to remain together even if there is no love in your relationship. If there is no love in your relationship, you will eventually fall love again with someone else, as you fell in love with this woman.

How does your husband feel about you? Do you think he is in love with you? If he is, you need to consider how you would want him to treat you if things were other way around. If you loved your husband and he did not love you, would you still wish to be together with him, knowing that he can and he will fall in love with other people? These are profound matters that will influence your life greatly and no one else can answer these questions but you.

You asked if this woman is a narcissist. It is very difficult to evaluate this question with the small amount of information in your letter. However, in the end from your point of view it is not important whether this woman is a narcissist or not, what is important is that her behavior towards you is not kind and respectful. She does not behave towards you as an empathetic person behaves towards another human being. She seems to give her affection and kindness to you only when it is convenient to her and when she wishes to do so. Your wishes and needs do not seem to be very important to her. These are quite alarming signs and would most likely cause problems if you were in a romantic relationship with this person.

Dear Friend, I strongly believe it will help you to let go of this woman emotionally if you distance yourself from her for a while and concentrate on deciding what you wish to do with your marriage. When you feel clear about the direction of your future life, it will help you to regain your happy state of mind. We humans are built in such a way that if we feel that our future is uncertain and that we cannot control what is going to happen to us, this often makes us feel depressed and dissatisfied with our lives. These negative emotions affect every area of our lives. If the main frame of your life is in order, you are stronger to face and overcome unexpected issues such as your emotional attachment to this woman.

Warm hug,



It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.



If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it


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