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How to Break the Cycle of Infidelity and Save the Marriage  E-mail


Hi Maria,

My husband has cheated on me four times now. 3 times before we were married and once while we have been married. The first time I found out we had been dating for a year.  He continued to see his ex-girlfriend while we were trying to start our relationship. I had no clue until about six months in and had no hard proof until after a year.

He told me he was just used to her body and he wasn't comfortable having sex with me. which to me I  thought was great... Of course you can see the devastation this caused me: I was no good in bed. We worked through this, I told him he just needed to be open with me and tell me his needs. So we worked on it but I couldn't forget or forgive for that matter.  I was constantly accusing him of cheating still and checking up on him all the time.

We fought about and I had to leave town for a conference and while I wad gone over the weekend he cheated but came clean. About this same time like a week afterward I found out I was pregnant with our first son. He wanted to get married and start our family but I told him I wasn't ready to do that. I didn't want him to marry me just because we were having a child together. I wanted us to be in love.

In my ninth month I found out he was cheating again. I left him till I had the baby. He begged me to come back, said that he loved me and loved his son and wanted to make everything right. So I told him he could help and come over in the evenings to see the baby so we did that and every night he just stayed longer and longer. Then i said what are we doing and why are you here? He said I am here because I love you silly. We agree to try to make a fresh start. Everything was going great.

When the baby was eight months old i decided that he really loved me and that we should get married. Life was fine. I thought we had it all going for us, good home, good jobs, a beautiful child. We had our second child who also is a boy. Life started to feel like too much of a routine, boredom set in. Fighting started occurring because neither of us kept up our responsibilities. He said I had one hand on his back pushing him out the door practically. I don't recall it being that bad, maybe he is exaggerating so he doesn't feel so guilty.

Anyway, seven years later here I am, married for four years and we are back to square one. A fresh start for the fourth time ? Will it work? how do we stop from spiraling out of control? This man is truly of good will, that is why it's so hard to say it's over I know he loves me deep down.

How do we break his cycle? And mine from being so controlling? We have two beautiful sons to think of. We have love. How do we make it right?

 

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Maria's Reply:

How to break the cycle of infidelity and save the marriage

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Understanding the true reason for problems is the first step in fixing the problem. You need to find out exactly why your husband ended up cheating on you. Was there always a big fight before be was unfaithful to you? What did your husband want to achieve when he cheated on you: Was he looking for an emotional connection with those women he cheated on you with or was it just sex, was he just trying to boost his self-esteem with them? Your husband needs to ask these questions from himself and he needs to answer truthfully, only then he can start to work on the problems.

I recommend you go to see a counselor first individually and then together. A professional who knows all the details of your situation can help you to work on the problem more effectively.The most important thing is the will to remain together. If you have that, your relationship hs good chances to survive. You said your husband is a good man. You also said you love each other and wish to remain together. This is a good starting point to start to work on your relationship. When both spouses genuinely want to solve the problems instead of one of the spouses denying his or her responsibility there is a chance to find to common ground.

The most important thing is not to let the situation to continue as it is. Your husband has cheated on you four times. It seems very likely that if you do nothing to change the situation, the same thing will happen again. You need to find out what were the factors that drove your husband to cheat in a first place. You said your life has become a routine and that this may be one factor. It is good to remember that everyone's life becomes routine at some point, however this does not justify cheating.

It is important to take care of the relationship even when life seems to be busy and things start to become routine. You need to discuss with your husband what are the things you can do to keep your relationship fresh even as the years go by. Your husband needs to understand that cheating is not an answer, that even if he started a relationship with another woman things wound eventually become routine also in that relationship. If one is trying to escape the "boredom" of life by changing partner, one ends up changing partner every couple years and will never find a satisfying long term relationship .

The first thing to do is to go to see a counselor and find out what has caused the problems in your relationship and what was the true reason that drove your husband to have affairs. Once you know what you are dealing with you can start to change your lives in such a way that the factors that made your husband feel he wanted to cheat will disappear.

If your husband despite all the efforts keeps on cheating, you need to reconsider if you wish to remain married to him. Some people end up remaining married for the sake of the children even if their spouse is not faithful. Personally I think that kind of a life is quite sad and lonely, but it is everyone's own decision how they wish to live their life and we should not judge others if they choose to live differently than we. This is the decision that you need to make, no one can decide for you. Do not let anyone influence you.

Warm hug,

Maria

 

It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.

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If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

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