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Getting Over the Emotional Pain after the Break Up with a Narcissistic Spouse  E-mail


Hi Maria,

I am going through mental hell right now missing my narcissistic ex partner and my life she took from me. She left me 3 months ago disabled, broke (after taking all my money), leaving me in our dream home of 5 years with no heat, electricity, food or any way to pay any bills or take care of myself. I was cruelly told "I don't love you, I don't care what happens to you, I will not help you and I will do nothing for you".

I was devastated. No warning. We had been together for 11 years. She had been cheating on me for 6 months (I just found out) and had everything planned and arranged before I was abruptly discarded. The new supply moved in with her the day she moved out. They had been looking for a home together for 3 months. I lost my home, she took our animals because I could not take care of them and has totally destroyed my life.

She convinced my daughters that it was my fault because of my depression from my sudden disability and the many stresses (multiple deaths in my family), losing my job, etc that she couldn't handle the change in me and my weakness. I had nowhere to go and for my daughters to go with me so she took them as well. They were not children I had with her and she was using them for additional supply. They have since learned the truth.

She has taken everything from me and left me to suffer alone. Everyday I don't know how I am going to make it through this. She made me so dependent on her and I feel I cannot live without her. The new supply is enjoying My Life, My kids, My animals, My happiness. I was discarded like a piece of trash with no regards to how I would survive.

Please, someone tell me how to hold on. I am so broken.

Help me.

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Maria's Reply:

Getting Over the Emotional Pain after the Break Up with a Narcissistic Spouse

 

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through. It is no wonder you are feeling devastated after being treated this way. The way your former partner talked to you (I don't love you, I don't care what happens to you, etc) is incredibly cruel. Unfortunately this kind of a behavior is not uncommon among narcissistic and abusive people. They can say extremely cruel things to people they claim they love. They are able to do this because they are lacking the ability to feel empathy. They literally do not care how much their words and actions hurt others around them.

I understand so well how hurt you are feeling after being treated this way. There is no excuse for what your spouse has done. You said you feel horrible thinking that the new Supply is now enjoying your life, your children, your animals and everything you once shared with your partner. Dear Friend, please read your own letter again: Could you ever treat someone you say you "love" in such a cruel way? I do not think you could. Sadly it seems that your former partner is unable to care for anyone except herself. If she truly loved you, she could not have cheated on you for several months, look for a new home with her new lover behind your back and move in together with her new partner right away, knowing how much that will hurt you. Ask yourself could you have done such things for her. Again I think the answer is "no".

When you learn to see that this person did not truly love you, you understand that you have not lost something so valuable after all. You were in love with a dream image of this person, not with the cruel and dishonest person she turned out to be. You are now missing that dream image and your dream life with her. I wish that understanding this will make you feel a bit better about the situation. Even if you could return back together with her I would not recommend you to do that. You could not trust her after everything she has done to you. I am not saying this only because she cheated on you. I am saying this because of the cruel way she spoke to you and treated you even though it is her who has done wrong. There was no need for her to talk to you the way she did. Yet she did it, not caring how badly it hurts you especially after everything else she has done to you. She seems to be very cold person and totally unable of putting herself into other person's position.

I know how hard it is to let go of someone you love. It feels even harder when you see that you are being replaced so easily. You need to teach yourself to see that your value as a person is not affected by what has happened. The fact that your former spouse moved in with her new Supply so soon tells something about her own problems, it does not suggest that there is or was something wrong with you.

The painful feeling you now have is normal in this kind of a situation. If you would not feel devastated and broken, there would be something wrong with you. The fact that you are feeling this way shows how warm and caring human being you are: You truly loved your spouse and now when she is gone from your life, you are experiencing withdrawal symptoms. So many people who are visiting my website have been through what you are now going through and they have survived. Please trust me when I say this: You will NOT feel like this forever. The pain will eventually subside and you shall feel glad that this person is out of your life. With a personality like hers it is very unlikely that you could have been happy with her for the rest of your life.

As for your daughters, I can understand your pain. I wish you are able to maintain a good relationship with them regardless of this unfortunate situation and are able to get them back living with you as soon as possible. The most important thing to do right now is to improve your emotional situation and prevent you from becoming more depressed. I warmly welcome you to familiarize yourself with my other support website www.brain-depression.com. There you find more articles and information that I believe will help you.

The most important thing is to remember that you are not alone. Please do not hesitate to write to me whenever you feel like it. I am here for you. You WILL get through this, never doubt that!

Warm hug,

Maria

 

It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.

____

 

If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it


Comments (3)
  • Luise  - Very sad about break up
    I am a single, senior woman who is very independent and has not had any man in my life for 25 years. I look fabulous for my age ... I am one of those lucky ones - I look about 55 and he is 43 actually. Many reasons for that the 25 year hiatus from men. One day I met a much younger man from another country and he flirted with me for about 6 months before we got involved with each other. He lives with this girlfriend of 10 years and they have an 8 year old daughter. They never married. We really get along beautifully - I work with him and build his business (that's my field), we have fun together, we love to be with each other .... etc. His girlfriend found out about our relationship and now is putting pressure on him to end it. He is afraid she will take their daughter and return to his native country and he will never see her again. He also comes from a very traditional family unit where they all look out for each other. I love him so much ... and he did tell me a few days ago that he loved me too and wants me in his life. I feel so foolish that I fell for him so hard and I need some advise on how to change the way I am thinking so I can get on with running my business and dating again (I am on the dating sites now) to find someone more suitable for me and available. Thank you.
  • TG  - Break up with narcissistic husband
    Hi - i have also broken up with my husband 3 months ago after 10 years together (6 married. It came out of the blue to me he told me he didnt want to be married to me anymore. he still got into my bed which i kicked him out of and in the end & after 4 weeks kicked him out of our house. My husband was a terrible control freak & really bad with money put me down, gave me the silent treatment alot of the time & was only concerned about himself & his needs & wishes. i was made redundant a year ago & used some of the money to get a restaurant which he wanted control of, i wouldn let him, then he tried to make me get rid of it & work for him & i wouldnt & he wanted me to sell our house so we could buy 2 & rent one out & i didnt want to sell my house which i love. - he has a maintenance company & i helped him get a big contract which he had trouble supporting and running - i gave him money for his business & continued to support him financially as he said i was investing in our future - he got really stressed out trying to do keep up with the contract & started drinking really heavily and things went down hill quickly from there! - since we split he has told me he hasnt loved me for ages, doesnt like me, care about me or what happens to me, told me it is my fault our marraige failed because i wouldn do as he wanted, that the last 10 years mean nothing to him that he has been unhappy for years & i have ruined his life & that the grass is greener on the otherside & that he only wants his share (& more) of the house, & has left huge household debts & not paid the mortgage - he now has a new girlfriend who he has taken away twice, but refuses to pay towards any household/marriatal debts - i am in the process of divorcing him but he is being difficult about producing financial evidence - i am devastated by his behaviour/words & the fact he has got a girlfriend so soon (after 4 weeks) - she is a friend of his sister in law,& had to make no effort to go out with her (she is short & dumpy and timid nothing like me - he is also in major debt with contractors & the inland revenue & burying his head in the sand about this as he is having such a nice time taking his new girlfriend away and out and about - i am trying to move on but still confused by what happened as my husband told me everyday how much he loved me, had just drawn up the plans for an extension & we were making lots of plans for the future - I am so crushed that my husband can say such cruel things to me - i thought the problems he was having was because he was struggling with the contract he had taken on but now tells me he drunk so much cause he couldnt stand being married to me, i also feel lonely without him.
  • susan  - Light at the end of a tunnel
    I have been in love with my narcisstic ex partner up until just the other week. We were together for ten years, he would be very unpredictable and very moody, to the degree where he would be fine, then just like a vale this dark mood would desend and i would have to tread more carefully than normal. He would discard me and go with someone else, then want me back, and stupidly I loved him so much I would go back. He would then tell me about these women, that i should buy nice underwear and that sex with them was as good as with me. He nearly distroyed me emotionally. I had no idea that I was dealing with someone who was narcisstic, and I stumbled upon it when looking up on the website why some men can go from one relationship straight into another. The word narcisstic came up and having read so many blogs and learnt about these people I suddenly felt an enormous relief, in knowing it wasn,t me that had got it wrong. On reflection of my years with him and having read up on narcisstic personality discorder I could account times when he would pick a fight with me for no reason and discard me whenever it suited him.

    I am not sure if you can relate to some of these things, my partner was never wrong and could justify everything he did.I would have to walk on egg shells if I wanted a quiet life. He would flirt and i knew if we were at a party and there was a pretty woman he would have to speak with her. He used, me, I, and mine never us, we or ours. He entrapped me into his web when we first met, and made me fall hook line and sinker, he was prince charming, then it all changed and I waited for him to be be that man I fell in love with, but they never come back, just use you as a source of supply for their false self.

    My advise is to read as much as you can about this disorder, and I hope you will see that you are the strong one after all,try to build your life the way you want. If its any consolation the man your wife is with now, will be you when she see,s fit to find a better supply, so please take heart. Remember you can be really happy one day with a person who will truely loves you, your wife will never have that.

    Best wishes x
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