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My Husband Wants to Keep Both Me and His Lover - How to Get Over the Pain?  E-mail

 

Maria,

I am a mother of three amazing boys.  I found out in April that my husband of 15 years has been having an affair for over a year.  She is 19 and completely the opposite of me.  My husband tells me he wants us both.  Kind of like a polygamist relationship.  I always believed in monogamy.  Every time I try to pull away, he brings me back in.  Its like being on a roller coaster.  I desperately want to get off the roller coaster, but I love him so much.  I keep going back to him no matter how much he hurts me.  How do I stop hurting so much and let him go?

- Desperate for a solution

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Maria's Reply:

My Husband Wants to Keep Both Me and His Lover - How to Get Over the Pain?

 

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. You wrote: Every time I try to pull away, he brings me back in. I know how you are feeling. You wish you could let go of your husband and break free but your love towards him prevents you from leaving for good. Your situation is far from being unique. Unfortunately many people in the world are going through the same pain at this very moment.

Your husband says he wishes to keep both you and the Lover. This comment tells something profound about the personality of your husband. It must be clear to him how much you are hurting because of the fact that he has been having an affair with this young girl. It is extremely selfish of him to expect that you would agree to polygamist relationship in this situation.

Your husband says he wants you both. From his point of view that would be an ideal situation: He could keep his young lover and in the same time he could hold on to his companionship with you. It goes without saying that after being married for 15 years the connection between you and your husband is in a completely different level than the connection between him and his young girlfriend. She is only 19. Her life experience is very different from that of your husband's. Your husband does not want to lose the relationship with you because he knows he can never have anything similar with this young girl.

There is also a very real risk that your husband's young lover at some point will get tired of him and ends the relationship. Your husband is aware that young girls can fall in love with a new person very easily. This young girl might fall in love with someone else and leave your husband because of that new person. Your husband has much more life experience that this young girl: He knows that this kind of a relationship that he has with this girl is not likely to last. Your husband might feel that he is lucky that a young girl like this wants to be with him in a first place and he wants to enjoy the relationship and this girl as long as she wants to be with him. Most likely he is not fooling himself to believe that this girl is going to stay with him when he gets older.

If the relationship with the young girl ends, your husband undoubtedly wishes to have you "in reserve" to carry on relationship with you instead of being left completely alone. Again this kind of thinking is very selfish. If you confront your husband about this and tell him you feel he is being calculative and selfish he will undoubtedly deny this line of thinking and claims that he wishes to be with you because he loves you etc. However, if he truly cared for you and wished to be with you he would not deliberately cause you pain by holding on to this young girl, especially when he knows how much pain it is causing you.

Dear Friend, I understand how you are feeling when you say that you find it so hard to leave your husband. Many of the readers of this website have been in a similar situation. You are now standing in a cross road. You have two options. Either you continue life with your husband or you let go of him and start searching for your own happiness. It is very likely that you will continue to feel miserable should you remain with your husband. Even if he leaves the young girl it is very hard to forget the humiliation of him holding on to her for a year. This is not a drunken one-night stand or a momentary lapse of reason. This is calculated betrayal. It is very hard to resume a trusting relationship after everything that has happened.

Resuming a functional and happy relationship would require that your husband admits his mistake and shows you he is truly sorry of everything that has happened. Even if he is capable of doing this, the hardest part is still ahead: You must learn to trust his words again. Even in the best case scenario it takes years before your trust will be fully restored. And this requires that your husband does nothing to jeopardize your trust during the recovery period. If your husband betrays your trust again it takes much longer to recover. To read more about the recovery process after cheating, please see this page on my other support website: How to Get Over Cheating.

Dear Friend, I know how hard it is to let go of your husband. You asked for my opinion regarding your situation. Based on your message it seems like your husband is unable to put himself into your situation and feel empathy towards you. He is expecting you to accept it that he holds on to his young girlfriend. How do you think your husband would react if you suggested having another man in your life in addition to having your husband? I am sure he would not accept it. If you ask about this from him now he might say "Yes, go ahead, I am fine with it", but most likely he would say that only because he is now in this kind of a situation himself and saying anything else would make him appear even more hippocratic that he already appears. If you did such a thing in reality I strongly believe your husband would not accept it. And yet he is expecting you to accept his young girlfriend. This is very selfish behavior.

It seems clear that your husband is not capable of making you happy in a long run. It is hard to break free but all those who have managed to end a toxic relationship report being so much happier without their abusive or treacherous ex spouses. It is very hard to make this kind of a fundamental change in one's life, but in the end it is worth it.

Dear Friend, stay strong. My thoughts are with you.

Warm hug,
Maria

 

It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.

____

 

 

 

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