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I Found Out My Husband Has Been Having Multiple Affairs - How to Survive  E-mail

 

Hi Maria,

I have always believed that timing is everything... and somehow I found 'you' today... your advice to another woman was very inspiring. I guess I can't write my entire life story, but I will try to summarize it as best I can.

I was 16 (and a virgin) when I met my husband. He was 25 and already a well-known musician and teacher. I had gone to an audition for a singing role etc etc and somehow we clicked. I was years ahead in musical knowledge, as mum took me to every musical on earth from the time I was born!

We went out for 4 years before we got married and during that entire time, we never once had intercourse or oral sex. I thought I was the luckiest girl on earth having a guy who didn't demand sex. Being a Catholic girl (only child) to a mum that 'lived' for me! I would have never hurt her that way!

I was always so popular at school, being the tall, slim, blonde with an amazing sense of humour and a zest for life. I acquired the nick-name of 'Teaser' (for obvious reasons) I loved the fact that so many boys tried to get into my knickers...but I only ever kissed! I LOVED KISSING!

From the time we got married, I started feeling lonely. My husband promised my mum that he would not stay out late after his nightclub gigs...but that was promise broken immediately! He worked 6 nights per week at a posh supper-club that closed it's doors at 1 am... he hardly ever came home before 4.... and then 8am! Poker to unwind?? I gave birth to my beautiful daughter 11 months after we married. By then he had a music business (6 days per week) and played at nights! We had a little boy 4 years later.

I'd better cut to the chase... I never deliberately flirted, but over the years I got emotionally involved with 3 of his friends. One saved my daughter's life when my husband couldn't be found at 2am. This man couldn't have kids so in time he became very attached to my little girl. It was very wrong of me to allow him into my home when my husband was at work at night. It only happened a few times and all we did was kiss! (I feel guilty about saying 'only'!) Second man came into my life after my son was born and diagnosed with cancer... This guy was just so caring and special to me at a time when my husband and I weren't coping at all... such a surreal time in my life! Again... we only ever kissed. 3rd man loved the fact that I didn't think life was all about the husband buying lavish gifts and taking expensive holidays. I was a real little home-maker... sewing all our clothes, cooking lovely meals and NEVER going to a beautician or hairdresser, but always looking feminine .... he was acknowledging what I need my husband to!

During these times, I think I subconsciously wanted my husband to find out... and he did! I was physically abused... and mentally abused until now. Not once did he believe sex was not involved (why couldn't he  look back to the time when we were dating...I wasn't that kind of girl).  BUT... I look at the situations through his eyes and think... would I believe me? The answer is NO! I have been plagued with guilt and sorrow because I caused my husband such pain and he never fully trusted me again.

There's more to tell, but I think you have the gist of who I am. A romantic. I missed the fact that my husband never enjoyed kissing after we married... he NEVER told me I looked beautiful... and even though I don't fall for those lines it was nice to hear it from someone (or a few men) whom I admired!

Back to today... I'm nearly 60 years old (and a grandma to 2 beautiful babies) and I've just realized this weekend, that it's my husband who has actually done the sleeping around! I'm devastated! I haven't been able to eat since Friday. I lost my mum to cancer just over a year ago and have been grieving beyond belief (another story with tragic circumstances). I wonder if she's still be alive if she hadn't witnessed the stress and abuse I was going through again (recently) with my husband.

Something I had gone through in the 70's came to light the other day... and after googling I realized that the 'crabs' I had (that my husband pointed out he got from me.... gee... a dirty toilet if not sex) I had actually caught from him!! I exploded on Friday night! I got nothing from him except another accusation that I was orchestrating a situation to get myself off the hook.

I've been reflecting on the past and I remember how many times I doubted where he was or what he was doing but I was so young and naive.

Don't get me wrong... in between the hard times, he has been a good husband in the sense that he cares for me when I'm unwell, cooks often to make it easier for me when I'm down. Takes me to movies and dinner, never forgets my birthday or anniversary AND we've had some wonderful times! He keeps telling me not to talk about the past because he's trying to forget how I've hurt him. Now I wonder whether I've been played for a fool all along... was he using my indiscretions to cover what he was doing? Is it possible that he slept around because he thought I had?? I just don't know what to make of it all. I feel cold and empty and lost! 40th anniversary coming up this year and I don't know who he is.

How ironic that I've gone to hell and back, and to this day I've never had sex with anyone but him (PS... we haven't had sex now for over a decade... he had a quadruple by-pass and life changed completely!).

If he has been unfaithful, was it justifiable if he truly believed I had cheated on him first?

Hoping to hear from you soon with some good advice. My mind is just saying... ANTIDEPRESSANTS!!!!


___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Maria's Reply:

I found out my husband has been having multiple affairs - How to survive

 

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I understand your pain. You have learned about your husband's infidelity only a short while ago and your mind is still in a state of shock. It is devastating to find out something like this after spending practically one's whole life with this one single person.

You mentioned you have had three emotional affairs during your marriage and that you are now nearly 60 years old. You said you met your husband when you were 16 years old. So during 44 years you had three emotional encounters with other men and none of these encounters involved sex. Your husband, on the contrary, has been having physical affairs with other women. You were wondering was your husband's unfaithfulness "justified" because of what you have done (the emotional connections with those three men). Dear Friend, the answer is absolutely not. There is no comparison between what you did and what your husband has done.

You said your husband believed there was sex between you and these three men. It is easy to understand why he is feeling like that. considering that he has had several sexual encounters. On top of everything else he gave you STD. Dear Friend, do not blame yourself of what has happened. Nothing you did justifies your husband's behavior. If your husband is claiming that he cheated on you because you cheated on him he is merely trying to avoid taking responsibility of his actions.

Let us think for a moment why you ended up having the emotional affairs in a first place. You said there was no connection between you and your husband at that time, that your husband was away from home a lot, never said you were beautiful and that when other men made positive comments about your looks you felt good about it. Dear Friend, your feelings are perfectly normal. Most women would feel the same way in your situation.

Relationship should never be taken for granted, instead one should nurture the relationship and the happiness of one's spouse. It sounds like your husband was taking it for granted that you were there for him, took care of the house and the kids while he was living his own life outside home, staying out until early hours of mornings etc. It is no wonder that you started to feel emotionally drawn towards other men who provided you with something your husband could not. It was not sexual encounter you were after, instead it was a genuine adult human connection you were searching for.

Many women who are married to men who are not giving them proper emotional companionship have experienced similar emotions. Your situation is far from being unique. A human being needs the feeling of companionship. It is not enough if your husband is just present in the house without providing you with companionship. This is the reason why it is so important to take good care of one's relationship: If one starts to take the relationship for granted, the feeling of companionship gets often compromised and there is a danger that spouses start to search for companionship elsewhere.

However, in your husband' case he was clearly not searching for emotional companionship but instead wanted to have sexual relationships with women. You said you felt very guilty after your short emotional encounters with other men. Your husband, on the other hand, had sexual affairs and it appears he was not feeling very guilty about what happened, instead he continued having affairs. You said your husband lied to you about the STD, trying to make you believe it was caused by bad hygienic etc. You also said your husband has abused you both physically and emotionally. It is understandable that he was upset after finding out about your emotional involvement with other men, however nothing justifies violence.

Dear Friend, I have mentioned all the above points to help you to see that nothing you have done justifies your husband's behavior. You do not need to blame yourself. Your husband has made his own choices. Let us now discuss how you can help yourself get over the emotional pain.

You have been married for a very long time. You have only had sex with one person: Your husband. You are a mother and a grandmother. Your husband has been part of every aspect of your adult life. I am sure that at this point in your life is very hard to even imagine a life without your husband, regardless of what has happened. Many people who are in your situation choose to stay together and try to mend the relationship and restore the trust. If you feel otherwise comfortable in your relationship and do not wish to leave your husband, then all you need to do is to get over the emotional pain. It is not easy to forget the betrayal such as this. You need to give yourself time to heal. You must be very patient and not expect to get over this in just couple weeks.

You said you feel like you want to start to take antidepressants to ease the pain. Dear Friend, I strongly advise you to wait for some time before making such a decision. You have learned of your husband's betrayal only couple days ago. You are still in the state of shock. Antidepressants are meant for the treatment of a depression that has continued for several months or years. It is not a good idea to start taking them after experiencing an acute shock like this.

It takes several weeks until antidepressants start to work. During the following weeks your emotional state will undoubtedly change rapidly. If you start taking antidepressants you cannot be sure which emotions are caused by the medication and which are caused by normal emotional processing of this event. Antidepressants tend to suppress emotions, both positive and negative. If you start to take them now they might interfere with normal emotional healing process. I advise you to wait for some time. If you are still feeling very bad after couple months then you can consider the matter again. I am not against antidepressants per se, on the contrary, there are situations in which they can be very helpful. However they might not the best option in case of acute emotional stress that you are now experiencing.

I strongly recommend you to go to meet a counselor to discuss your painful emotions. A professional can help you to process your mixed feelings and learn to cope with them better. Do not try to carry this heavy burden alone. There is absolutely no shame in going to see a counselor in this kind of a situation. A face-to-face meeting with a professional who is dealing with matters such as this one on daily basis can give you emotional tools that you can use to help yourself to recover.

If your husband truly cares for you he should be supportive of the idea of you going to see a professional marriage counselor. If you feel like it, your husband can even join the sessions later on. I strongly believe you would greatly benefit from talking to a counselor. In your situation it might be better if you met a female counselor, I believe it might be easier for you to discuss your emotions with a woman.

If you do decide to stay together with your husband, the most important question is the following: Are you able to trust that your husband will remain faithful for you from now on? If you are unable to trust him there is a danger that your life will become quite miserable if you always have to be on your guard. You alone can answer this question.

However, at this time is too early to make any big decisions. You need to wait until the sharpest peak of shock has passed and see how you feel then. Your emotions keep evolving rapidly during next several weeks and months. This is why I recommended that you go to talk to a marriage counselor: It will help you to recognize different emotional phases you are going through.

The most important thing to remember is this: What you are feeling right now is perfectly normal reaction after learning about your husband's infidelity. If you did not feel the way you do right now there would be something wrong with you. Do not try to suppress your feelings, instead try to observe them as an "outsider" (I know this is very hard at first). Another very important thing is not to blame yourself of what has happened. You did nothing to deserve this. Your emotional connections with those three men do not justify the betrayal performed by your husband.

Dear Friend, I know you feel very hurt right now but trust me: You WILL get over this. Remember that you are not alone. Countless of women in this world have experienced what you are now experiencing and they have survived. You will survive too.

Please write to me anytime you wish. My thoughts are with you.

Warm hug,

Maria

 

It helps to know we are not alone. To read more stories of people who are experiencing problems in a relationship, visit section Personal Stories.

____

 

If you wish to submit your own story to get feedback and support or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (5)
  • tired  - I am ready to run
    I read all of these comments and I am going through the same thing. my husband and I have been married for 18 years. i have gone through I thought only 3 affairs with him to include having a baby with one of them. Of course after those affairs he still wanted the marriage and work on it. Well...last year february I just got this strange feeling to come over me..it was strange. He works 3 to 11 shifts but he got home at 2 am. What made this situation strange was that someone from his job had called looking for him around 12:15 PM which would probably be his usual time to get home but he was not home yet. So when he got home at 2am I played it off like oh are you just getting off of work, he of course said yes. Then I told him that was strange because people from your job have been calling for you since since 12 PM. That was "D Day". I am asked him was he cheating on me again he said yes. Then of course he blamed me for him going out, said I did not love him and a whole bunch of BS. The next day I went to find an apartment which I did and I was ready to take my children and go. He told me he did not want me to leave and that he wanted to work out the marriage. For the last 9 months I believed that things were looking up and I was still trying to heal from this betrayal again. Two days ago the girl that he was seeing kept calling my home at the times that she knew he was at work, to reach me. I called her back and asked her why is she calling my home. She texted be back on my cell phone to tell me that her and my husband were still seeing each other and that she was 9 weeks pregnant with his baby, she told me that she and he will be living together with the baby and start counting down the days that he will be a way from me. She told me that I was living a lie by choice. The kicker is she is married herself. My husband told me that she had been holding over his head that if he broke things off with her that she will call and tell me about their continued affair and make his life miserable. He told me that she said that either she was going to love her or hate her. He states that he has never loved her that it of course was "just sex" and that she is have delusions of grander because he wants nothing to do with her. Luckly she is in another state with her husband. She also told me that she had sex in my bed with my husband. ( this girl is very proud of herself I guess). Of course, I told him this is the last straw, I am ready to leave I cannot continue to go through this especially another pregnancy and finances leaving my home to support someone else. I am not sure is this girl is pregnant or not, she could be lying to try to keep him around but unfortunately she does not understand a baby does not keep a man around. He wants to go to counseling now..and he states he wants me and our family but I have heard it all before. The funny thing is I really thought we were working on our marriage this past year after I found out about the affair. He seemed to be doing the right things but things changed two weeks ago and I started to notice a difference in his attitude. What was happening was this girl was getting on his nerves so much with her threat of calling me and telling me about their continued affair he told her basically to do what she needed to do because he finally was tired of the situation. She will call him on his job after I found about them last year. He was actually calling her from my home until I got a hold of the phone records. Then they mainly talked while he is at work. This is a little difficult because part of me wants to run away as far as I can and the other part want to have hope but I dont know if I will ever have true trust. He is a very good liar. I wish he let me go ahead and move out last year when I had arrangments ready and waiting. He does not understand that you cant work on any relationship if the 3rd party is still involve eventually it will catch up with you emotionally. and it did. He looks old and warn out but he now states he feels like a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders because he really started taking a good hard look at himself and he was tired of lying to me. He had been seeing this girl for 2 years and he just told me there were others as well. Remember I only knew of 3.
  • Natalie  - To my surprise, I was betrayed by my husband who h
    I can so identify with your story, Monique. Last September, i discovered that my husband of 15 years, is a cheater! I've always suspected things, but after investigating it, I couldn't validate my suspicions. Last year, he got sloppy! He was acting weird, then left me. He said it was because he was unhappy and that I was cold to him! I was always the aportive, caring wife. Although I'm not perfect, I am in no way cold or mean, After countless months of depression, I started to investigate further. I discovered that he was having a romantic relationship with his secretary who is 18 years younger than him! Then, I discovered an affair about five years prior to the latest affair. I was completely devastated! I filed for divorce immediately. As soon as he was served, he came crawling back on his hands and knees. I know there is more too! He will to admit anything unless he knows I have proof. He is a good liar! I don't think I could ever trust him again, for over a year, he has begged to come home. I have stood my ground. I will not let him stay here and will not have sex with him. I am truly devasted by this. Part of me wants to try again at our marriage. He does things that make me feel like he has changed. he has been in therapy for over six months. The other part of me wants to move on. Idk if i can ever truly get past such betrayal, I'm so indecisive! Idk what I want, I love him, but have the commone sense to know that this is so completely warped that it probably won't ever work. My head has been spinning for over a year. I have NO idea of which way to turn. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated, :(
  • Jackson82  - multiple affairs
    I have been with my husband since I was 17 he was 18 we has been together now for 13 years married 10 years, have 3 children and I am pregnant with our 4th child, I found out that my husband had an affair when my routine exam during my pregnancy I had a STD, I had been questioning him for about 2-3 years about cheating, cause I felt distance in our marriage, he always denied it, but when i had the std he finally admitted the true he had been having affairs for the 2-3 years, texting girls talking about sex and everything else, he did not hide the fact that he was married to the ladies, he admitted to sleeping with only one of the girls, that was in Nov. of 2012, well fast forward to Jan-Feb of 2013 I am recovering from gallbladder surgery and still prego, he starts talking to other girls, its never just one it multiple girls, I kicked him out, we talked about it and decided to go to counseling he was more open about the affairs and what he felt caused him to cheat, so I gave him another chance. Now a couple of wks ago I felt that feeling again that he was up to no good, on mother's day he had cooked me breakfast, had the shower going for me, I eat breakfast, was going to lay down before church (i work at night), i open the computer and his facebook page is open and he has been messaging girls talking about sex, I told him its over, but I still love him, but I don't want to keep going through this again he states that he loves me and he does not know why he did it, he deactive his facebook account but facebook is not the problem he is, we had stopped counseling because we just could not afford it and our insurance does not cover martial counsel but does cover individual counseling, should i suggest to him that he go to counseling alone,
  • Monique  - I'm working on surviving my husbands multiple affa
    I am writing in response to the story I read about the woman whose husband was cheating her entire marriage. I am separated from my husband of 22 years, for the past 4 months. After finding out that he cheated with some of his own friends wives, I don't know if I'll be able to move forward with this marriage. Everyone thought we had the perfect marriage, & it makes me chuckle to think that this has been going on the entire time.no perfect marriage! I haven't made up my mind yet, but I've told him I won't go forward with him if he doesn't come clean about every affair, & he swears there are no more than four women. I don't believe him, so no moving forward. I'm not going to be his fool any longer! I wanted to say this, that I can forgive him, and I'll always love him but that doesn't mean that I have to trust or even be with him again. Realizing this is what has empowered me.God bless others in this situation. My heart grieves for those of us living with the ultimate betrayal.
  • CC  - Multiple affairs
    Concerning affa's article. I have also been married 22 years. My husband has had multiple affairs. The last one being last year. In June I just happened to check our companies cell phone bill and discovered it. I applaud you for having the courage to move out and move on. I wish now that's what I would have done. But now it seems harder to do since I've stayed until now. I know in my heart I will never be able to trust him again no matter what he says. The 1st one, was 10 yrs ago with his secretary (and my best friend) HA! But he cried and promised me it would never happen again. Then 10 yrs later, I'm having to go thru it all over again! My mind is exhausted. He says I should be able to get over it and get on with our lives. I guess it would be easier if I didn't have a 13 yr old daughter at home. I don't know...I'm just tired of it all. :(
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